I have a 15 year old boy who is very popular with the girls. I try to talk to him about sex, what our values are, and pressures he may feel from girls who will do anything to try to have a boyfriend. I have shown him a dvd about our religious values and how it relates to sexuality and he actually really liked it. Unfortunately, I think the environment he is in, the parties, the peer group will ultimately have more power over him than we do. This is not a copout, it is just how I remember my own teen years. I struggle with how to enforce limits and not totally lose him to his peers out of rebellion. They are very social and want to have parties all the time. He claims that nothing happens at those parties but research shows otherwise. Now that they are in High School, alcohol comes into play. My first reaction is to not let him go to any parties where there might be alcohol, but according to him, all parties have the potential to have alcohol because the parents stay upstairs, the kids bring it in. So far, he has always been allowed to go to parties with his friends. Not sure how to all of a sudden keep him home, without having a very unhappy, rebellious teen on my hands. Anyone else out there have any suggestions who has been through it before? If you have younger kids, please don't answer, because it's so much easier to say what you think you will do until you are faced with the reality of it. I need solid suggestions from parents of teens who don't want to give in to the permissive culture that is out there, where parents turn a blind eye to drinking and sex because they want their kids to be cool and popular. They all seem to not want to know and once they turn 17, just let them do it. After Homecoming, parents let their teens sleep over, with the opposite sex, at houses, so that they won't drink and drive. They say, "Oh, they sleep in seperate bedrooms," just like they have always said,"Oh, drinking happens at those parties but Johnny doesn't drink," or "I just have to trust that he will make good choices."

I have been there, and here is my story: My husband & I have been together 30 years. We really are each others best friend. Both of our parents have been married 50+ years. No siblings have divorced. Good examples all around. We have always treated each other with respect, hugged a lot infront of the kids, etc. Our 2 boys are now 22 & 24. I can honestly say the teen years were pretty calm. Both of our sons began working at 16. Looking back, this was a huge plus. They always worked Fri & Sat so they didn't have the time to 'party' with friends! They also had a dad who was a police sgt, so the 'rowdy' kids avoided them like the plague! They watched their dad & I both work and never abuse sick time, so they learned a work ethic. My oldest has a SUNY business degree, makes $50,000+ a year and has a girlfriend of 5 years that he treats with respect. My 'baby' graduated this year from SUNY with a computer science degree. He has been self employed for 3 years as a web developer & programmer. Because we live in the 'boonies' 14 miles from SUNY and we have no high speed internet, he moved out at 19, got an apartment next to campus, and never asks for a penny. He pays his own rent, expenses, everything. He owns a 2002 Honda accord that he paid for. He had a girlfriend for 3 years, and they went their seperate ways after college, but yes, they still remain friends. He bought a springer spaniel 2 years ago, trained her, and dotes on her. I look at my 2 sons and am so proud of them. I think the best advice I can give others is: Love them and make sure they know it, set a good example, and discipline is important, you can not be their best friend. Expect them to be great people, and they will be. Good luck!

I did want to add to my earlier post, as a response to another's post: When it comes to parties, booze, etc. Stay tough! I don't care what everyone else is doing. You know what is right, stick with it. No drinking, no 'sleepovers', etc. Absolutely no parties at other homes where alcohol comes into play. We have had area parents recently jailed for serving alcohol to minors. It is a crime! Does this mean your teen won't ever sneak around? Probably not, but if you find out about it, all bets are off. This is non-negotiable when teens are in high school. My boys knew that with a cop for a dad, you could not ever win this argument. FYI: even if a teen thinks they are all grown up, my answer was always "when you are financially independent , then you are an adult". Worked for us.

Thanks for the input. Your kids sound like great young men. I agree you have to stick to your guns and not give in where values are concerned. We try to set a good example and have high expectations. He will be working when he turns 16, and I know that will be a rude awakening for him. We're trying to add chores one at a time so he becomes more independent. He mows the lawn and helps out when asked, but I would like him to do his laundry consistently. He claims he doesn't know anyone who works, even older kids! Unfortunately, at a party he went to after Homecoming this year, he did tell us that kids brought in alcohol. That is the tough thing, because he claims that all the parties will have alcohol. We have made it clear that he is not going to be allowed to drink, but it will be hard to tell him he can't go out at all. I am trying to encourage him to have friends over, go to the movies, things like that more. The big parties are what I worry about, not so much a few friends that always hang out getting together. After Homecoming this year a freshman had a party from 11-2. All of his friends parents, (about 20 of them), let their kids go. I gave in and let him go until 1 but then we stressed the rules and sat him down and talked to him for 20 min. before he went to bed. He knows we will do that when he comes home from anywhere, and he knows that it there is a hint of alcohol or smoke smell he is dead. We tell him to blame us if others try to get him to drink, and say that his parents will kill him. I know the right thing would be to just not let him go out, but it's easier said than done.

thank you for the opportunity to have a voice. i have grown sons..so the fathers of this blog

are more contemporary to my sons..the one aspect that seems to be erased is that men

have a wiring of mind that is vital..they are wired to be short so that they can make decisions fast in an emergenc;y..lets remember men..i'm telling you it turns me into a prezel to see what is the current thinking about women and being the ultimate..as i said i had three sons..all

different.a social one, an quiet one, and a follower of the crowd..now that they are well grown i found that the needs they had were met by men they respected..who were kind and matter of fact..and quiet..some would say the women's side of a man's nature..it is going to take

a lot of attention and voices to steer thru this powerful era..

As a mother of a 14 month old boy, I'm wondering about the same things...and what is scary is that I had to ask a co-worker what a rainbow party was!?! Oh my, I am out of touch. But I concur with what's been said here - show your spouse/partner/other parent love and respect, talk with your children, surround yourself with other examples of healthy relationships (and avoid unhealthy ones), jobs/chores - build a healthy sense of accountability and responsibility. If you stand strong with your ideals, your child should feel strong standing with you!

Good luck to all you Moms and Dads...past, present and future!

I am a 21-year-old male college student. I stumbled across this post from the MSNBC website. I have lots of friends with parents that remind me of you guys...so I thought I'd share my thoughts.

My advice as someone on other side: relax. My parents took a fairly "hands-off" approach to me in high school in terms of "partying" and what-have-you. I drank some and stayed out late etc.--nothing too bad though. Generally, it's fair to assume that the kids aren't as crazy as you think.

However, when I got to college (assuming you're planning for them to go, which is not necessarily a fair assumption in this economy) I found that the kids who had these experiences were more balanced. They didn't "go off the deep end" and drink to much and do poorly etc. The kids with "strict parents" view this behavior as taboo and very often thus see it as cool cool, and they want to break free and try it out. I a lot of my friends with stricter parents turned out this way.

So, while I am not in your position and I don't know your kids, my general advice is to be wary of suppressing them--especially strict curfews and whatnot. It could work in your favor and your kid could be a total saint who never did anything against the rules (...is that what you want anyway?) ...or it could really backfire.

The key is open and honest conversation, not forcing them to forgoe things. They won't understand and neither would you. They'll try them anyway now--or worse--later when you're not around to give advice.

I would also like to add that the whole 'boys will be boys' excuse is tired and outdated. I refuse to allow my son (again he is only 2) to do things, just because he is a boy. I am a firm believer in "If it's not going to be cute when he's 20, it's not cute now." It drives me insane when his father, or even my mother, tells me "Well, hes just a boy." or "Hes all boy." as if that excuses him kicking the cat or yanking a little girls hair at daycare, after having been told numerous times not to.

I would have to say communication is key, at least it is at my house. My son is 15, in 10th grade and still talks to me about 90% of things (good, bad and ugly). Very shocking for me as I grew up in a "don't ask, don't tell" household. Some things he goes to my husband about, "guy talk" usually about a girl he likes...

I have stressed the importance of waiting until he is mature enough to have sex (my after college rule he laughs at) and this just is not the right time...however I refuse to bury my head in the sand and say "not my son"...I have showed him a condom, how its works and told him to put one in his pocket. Again, I am NOT for teenagers having sex at this age BUT I am also not for my son dying from it or contracting an STD that stays with him forever. I have shown him pics of some of the STD's and he was very grossed out.

As for alcohol, he knows how we feel. We don't agree with it. There is a legal drinking age for a reason; several students at his school have died in car accidents in the last few years due to drinking and driving. With that being said, he also knows to NEVER get in a car or to ever DRIVE a car even if he has had one drink period. He gets a free pass to call me and I will pick him up (we did have a lengthy discussion on this, no free pass every weekend).

Respecting females....I try to impress upon him to treat every female the way he would want his baby sisters to be treated by guys/their boyfriend when they are much, much older. Or to consider his actions and if it would be okay for me (his mother) to be treated that way.

Has he messed up? Yep...will he mess up again? Yep...he's not perfect, he's human we all do. Its about learning from the mistakes and moving on. Not hanging the mishaps over his head for the rest of his life. He knows every action he makes has a consequence whether it be good or bad.

imaruss,

I completely agree with your post. Your parents have done a great job in raising a well-adjusted adult. Kudos!

I was raised in the "don't ask, don't tell" and went to an all girl Catholic Academy. Boy the shock when I hit college....needless to say I withdrew passing right before the deadline....when returning to college (and paying for it out of my own pocket it certainly put a different perspective on things).

I am all for communication. Honest, truthful, even if it's not what you want to hear communication. Sometimes, we as parents have to suck it up in order to actually listen to our child BEFORE the crisis comes. Putting blinders on and saying "not my kid" does not only harm our child but can harm other children, families, etc..

Nice post, was very refreshing to hear from you.

I just happened upon you in a previous article and recognized a like minded soul. You'll do Great with your sons. I have a son in Medical School that is doing awesome and I am finally "exhaling slowly". I raised him as a single mom from his first birthday. In restrospect I can see what worked and what I would do different. I will address you from the "father side" of me and be concise.

1.Be the example of what you want for him. Why should children believe you and act accordingly if you don't walk your talk. They need a leader to emulate.

2. A spiritual foundation is very important. It gives you the tools to keep things in perspective and let the Truth prevail.

3. Remember that "Environment is stronger than Will" Children are constantly being molded and inprinted upon. Beware who, what and where you expose them to. Talk, Talk, Talk. ( While in the car was the best time for us)

4. Develop you inner relationship with them. You'll be connected with them near or far, and will work with them from a different level.

5. Be strong. You're the Boss

I Love my son and we have a harmonious relationship. He has healthy relationships with women. (and everybody else for that matter) It was worth every sacrifice. I am happily moving up to the next phase of my life.

Well, i'm 31 years old, and still don't have kids of my own and i do worry about these issues for the future. But i do remember one thing from how my parents treated me, it was trust and yes good example. Seeing that ur parents do love and respect each other, do not over drink, just have some once in a while does help.

Trust me if ur kid is coming to u to tell u there was alcohol at this or that event, then that's awesome, and DEFINITELY do not prevent him/her from going coz of that. instead tell them: "i trust u will make the right decision". this will make them feel all responsible for their own self, and feel loved and trusted by u as their parent.

my friends used to constantly lie to their parents where we r partying, and who we r with.... they would go nuts when i say i told my parents we r at this party. if i ever lied it wud b name a place next to it fearing they would come to check and make me look ridiculous! Heck i even rememebr i once went to this older people party, all dressed up, alcohol was available and smoking and everything, i wasn't even interested to try coz i was the master of my own life in a way :)

Oh and Look them in the eye when discussing stuff like that, learn their body language. they will lie, but the important thing is that u know the main important stuff. That's how they develop their personalities. We were there and came out well, i think we should try to give the chance to make some mistakes and learn from them.

Be there for them no matter what, and let them know they can come to u when in deep @!$%# :)

Hope i helped.

Well I raised my kids with three ground rules: As long as it doesn't hurt you, or someone else, or someone's property it's all right.

I have worked to instill in them this about relating to the opposite sex: As long as you are respecting 1. yourself and 2. her, and she is respecting 3. herself and 4. you, it is all right.

Some rules about sexting: Producing, possessing and distributing child pornography lands you on the sex offender registry for the rest of your life.

Birth control: Fortunately (for me - not the friends moms) they have classmates who are fathers (before age 18). This, as I say again, unfortunately, is THE BEST birth control of all.

My son is nearly 21 years old, and just left with his fiancee for a Valentine's Day dinner...both dressed well, he opened the car door for her and planned the evening himself (with asking for some advice!). He also takes his hat off indoors, has impeccable manners and is well-spoken. Not an angel, my grease-monkey grown up boy, but darned good compared to alot of what I see as a community health nurse.

We accomplished it by doing alot of what was mentioned in the article; role modeling what we expected of him from day one, but also admitting that we are human and make mistakes. We taught him the difference between a mistake and a catastrophe and how to mean it when you say, "I'm sorry."

I think much of what made a difference is how we phrased things. I still use the words, "A gentleman does.....(fill in the blank)...." to teach him how to be one. We gave gentleman a practical, everyday definition (A gentleman takes his hat off indoors, A gentleman showers after a sweaty day outdoors, etc.) And we did that from toddlerhood on. We also, as I mentioned, taught that part of being sorry was trying very hard not to do whatever it was again. As well as we let him know that all we ever wanted was for him to be the very best HIM that he could be. Society sets the same raunchy, womanizing standards for boys to live up to as those our girls are emulating too. I don't envy any of our kids trying to 'fit in' and make sense of it all!

I don't know if this will help anyone, but it was time honored advice from my grandparents to us, and now from us to him. I've even overheard him telling his little cousin, "A gentleman doesn't.......in public" LOL!

They really DO listen, even when they can't talk, talk back or roll their eyes!

Best,

jasmine