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From Denene Millner, contributing editor, Parenting magazine
My talk with my mom about sex went something like this:
Mommy: “I’m not raising any more babies, so don’t bring any into this house.”
Me: Stares. Blinks. Remains silent as she walks out the room.
Uh, huh. That was the end of that conversation, which came when I was around 13 — just after my mom found out I’d gotten my period months earlier but didn’t tell her. As much as I wanted to talk and learn about the birds and the bees, she made it painfully obvious that such things like periods, boobs, boys and sex were not up for discussion with her or my dad. Just don’t do it — that was their philosophy. I’m convinced that as far as my parents were concerned, I was a virgin until I married, and only had sex to make their two granddaughters. Beyond that, I’m downright virginal.
Right.
Lucky for them, I was a good girl who tended to find her information in the library rather than the locker room; whatever crazy half-truths, fantasies and outright falsehoods my friends were spreading around our junior high, I wasn’t buying it. That, and fear of being disowned — or worse — for “bringing babies into the house” kept me out of trouble. Clearly, though, in an age where kids can hear songs about sexual positions on morning radio, sexting is exchanged like Double Bubble amongst teens, and random “hook-ups” between junior high and high schoolers is the new form of casual dating, parents are going to have to do way more than lay down a threat if they want their kids to be smart and safe when it comes to sex.
Problem is, all too-many of us are not. According to a new study of almost 150 families by the University of California Los Angeles/Rand Center for Adolescent Health Promotion, more than 40 percent of kids between 13 and 17 had intercourse before their parents talked to them about safe sex, birth control or sexually transmitted diseases. The study went on to reveal that 42 percent of the girls surveyed said they hadn’t discussed the effectiveness of birth control with their parents, and 40 percent admitted they hadn’t talked with their parents about how to refuse sex before engaging in genital touching. A whopping 70 percent of the boys surveyed said they had not discussed how to use a condom or other birth-control methods with their parents before having sex.
This trend is troubling because most experts will tell you that teens who talk to their parents about sex are more likely to hold off having sex and to practice safe sex when they do become sexually active.
But acknowledging it’s best to talk to your kids about sex and actually doing it are two totally separate things — and the latter simply isn’t easy for us parents who often are too embarrassed to bring up the subject, don’t know how to get our kids to listen to us sans tuning us out, or want to maintain our silence in hopes that it’ll keep our children as innocent as possible for as long as possible.
For sure, though, being embarrassed, tuning out, and going silent on the issue are no longer options. I made a vow when each of my babies was born that I would be honest with them — that no matter how hard/embarrassing/uncomfortable the conversation, I’d do my best to make them feel like they could ask or talk to me about anything.
Anything.
By age 5, when she was curious enough to ask, I told my older daughter, Mari, where babies came from. By age 7, she knew about periods. A year later, after a round of pre-tween questions during a car ride with her cousin, Miles, she learned about wet dreams, boobies, pubic hair, and a bunch of other stuff the two were curious about.
Let’s just say we have an “ask and get told” policy in our house.
My husband and I figure that if we just go ahead and give them the correct information, we don’t have to worry about being forced to deconstruct the crazy locker-room tales they’ll surely get from the friends who’ve been deliberately left out of the puberty/sex-ed loop. Like, seriously: Who wants their kid to think they’ll grow hair on their hands if they masturbate? Or that they can’t get pregnant if they have sex while they’re menstruating or their partner pulls out before ejaculating? Or that boys will do irreparable harm to their genitals if they don’t have sex when they’re horny? Or that having anal or oral sex isn’t real sex?
Now mind you, those conversations usually come with a lot of hard gulps and a few signs of the cross. But my kids are asking. And I thank goodness that they feel comfortable getting answers from their parents. The way I see it, that open line of communication makes it that much easier for us to not only define for our children an act that is natural and beautiful when done with caution, care, maturity, and knowledge, but give them the information they need to make good choices that fall in line with our family’s beliefs and values. We tell them that sex is a beautiful experience meant to be shared between two people who love and respect one another, and that we would prefer that they finish college, get a good job and marry a mate they love before they do it. We add, though, that if they do decide to have sex sooner, that we expect them to protect themselves at all costs.
I trust that the more we talk to our girls and give them honest answers and opinions and the room to really think for themselves, the more they’ll be compelled to be smart about the choices they make with their bodies.
How have you handled talking about sex with your kids? Share your comments below.
Denene Millner is a contributing editor at Parenting magazine. She blogs at The Parenting Post on Parenting.com, and on her personal mom blog, My Brown Baby.
Related stories:
- How to answer young kids' sex questions
- Discuss: At what age should parents have 'the talk' with their kids?
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18 comments, including:
Denene, Kudos to you for having the hard conversations with your kids when they are still young. Chanel and I are of the same mindset, and we tell the kids the truth about their bodies.