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HAHAHAHAHAHA!
If you work outside the home and you’re anything like me, you too may have fleeting thoughts of “Ha!” and “Oh brother!” and “What-EVER!” whenever you see reassuring articles about attaining work-life balance as a parent. I say that, and I’ve even written an article or two like that myself. (Although, in my defense, I did try to make those articles uber-practical ... but still!)
The longer I try my hand at this whole parenting gig, the more clearly I see that any illusion of control I have is just that: An illusion. It may be possible to wrest a few things under control some of the time with some hard-core planning and scheduling, but for the most part it’s just a matter of taming chaos on a day-to-day, take-it-as-it-comes basis.
My best friend Dawn Browne -- a mom who has two fabulous kids and a high-pressure job -- summed it up perfectly, I think:
“There is no such thing as balance with children -- only days with blood and/or tears, and days without (including your own),” she said. “Conservatively plan for no bloodless or tearless days for the first five years.”
Here’s another one of my favorite gems from Dawn:
“There’s a fine line between ‘working better under pressure’ and mental illness.”
Indeed!
Bearing all that in mind, here is a list of 10 things no one bothered to tell you about work-life balance before you became a parent. Read on -- if you dare!
1. You will always, always, ALWAYS be tired and always will feel as though you could lie down and sleep for 15 hours straight.
2. Sleep deprivation will lead to a brain-crushing haze that will cause your sharp mind to fade for a minimum of one calendar year, and possibly even longer -– but you’ll have to fake it and pretend nothing is wrong around other people at work.
3. Sleep deprivation also will create in you a strange and inexplicable spelling disorder that will cause you to use the wrong “to,” “your” and “its,” despite your most careful intentions. You’ll also start to spell some words phonetically -- and wildly incorrectly -- all because you’re trying to do too many things at once in much too much of a hurry.
4. While it’s always been mega-challenging on all sorts of levels, work outside the home will become the biggest, most gargantuan, most Herculean effort you ever tackled. You will feel like you completed the Ironman in Kona, Hawaii at the end of most otherwise ordinary work weeks. (Not that I have ANY idea what completing the Ironman in Kona feels like, mind you -- but I watched a documentary about it recently and identified with it in the most uncanny way.)
5. When your children are very small, finding decent child care will be one of the primary reasons that work is such a big, gargantuan, Herculean effort. The stress and angst involved in your quest for quality child care will consume you and keep you awake at night.
6. You will only be able to claim $3,000 of child-care expenses on your taxes for the year, even if you must spend about $12,000 (or even more, in some cases) on care for one child in order to be a productive member of the work force.
7. After your pregnancy, you will have to spend precious time and money scrounging up at least some new work clothes for at least some stretch of time because it likely will take much, much longer than you ever expected to lose the pregnancy weight. (Shut up, Gisele Bündchen and Octomom!) Even if/when you do lose it, a “shifting” will occur and your old clothes may never fit quite the same way again.
8. Just when a real rhythm seems to set in and you finally feel mildly in control, your child will throw up all over his or her daycare provider/preschool instructor/elementary school teacher.
9. The throw-up incident will spark a frantic flurry of messages via e-mail or instant messaging or cell-phone texts between you and your significant other over which person should leave work to pick up the sick child and take him or her to the pediatrician. This negotiation will not be easy because both of you are already worried about how you look at work. (Re-read points 1, 2, 3 and 4.)
10. All of that said, no matter how tired you are, no matter how hard work is, and no matter how ill-fitting your pants feel, becoming a parent is the best thing you’ve ever done -- period.
(Photo credit: Dawn Browne. Photo caption: That’s a snapshot of my buddy Dawn’s work space at her home in Everett, Wash. She e-mailed it to me with this note: “Geez ... why am I so tired? And yes, that’s a diaper on the floor.”)
Related links:
- Discuss: Is work-life balance with kids really possible?
- 10 ways to simplify life as a working mom
- It’s true, moms: Technology can spell salvation
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Leave a Comment:
This is so true!!! And just when you think your caught up and can take a breath--your potty-training son pees all over the carpet or your little one gets sick and has to be hospitalized. And of course these things always happen during the work week and right when you are leaving for work.
But, ah, yes, it is all worth it! Thanks for the great article!
I love this story! Two plus years later I'm still trying to get 8 hours pf sleep and feel rested. But you forgot to mention how pain stakingly horrible it is when you drop your little ones off at daycare on Monday only to have them cry "mommy I hold you!" as you have to dash to get to work and you're already 15 minutes late.
I LOVE this. Thank-you! Exactly what I needed. Wait until your little girl puts her baby doll to bed, puts her princess heals and skirt, grabs the Barbie lap top and sits on the couch to get a report done. She said she was playing "mom".
This is not a funny article. We take for granted that our culture "needs" two working parents, working at top speed. We hope being "dropped at daycare" doesn't harm our children. But it does. Their ideas about how to parent and their needs to attach to others are being changed, in ways we can't imagine. One solution is to give up the idea that we need such a big house, 2 cars, every gadget that comes along and at least one parent stay home with the kids. In our narcissitic society it will never happen! I am a retired child therapist, and how I wish that our children were at least as important as the things we want to buy.
Talk to me. I am now a 21 year old veteran of juggling my life as an attorney and having three children within four years. My youngest is now 18 and she's planning to leave for college after her high school graduation. Was all of the stress worth it? I don't remember.
Help me plez. I am a 38 year old mother of 3- 2 boys (21 & 16) and 1 daughter (13). The issue is that i work at night and have been doing this for 2 years now. It always seems that i never have quality time for them because i'm always sleeping trying to recover from the night before. I don't work on weekends but i use that time to catch up on my sleep which is taking away from them. I need a really good energy solution so that i won't feel that i'm depriving them from spending time together. HELP!!!!!!
this is like the outline of my daily life!! between the 17month old peeing through his diaper EVERY NIGHT and the 4year old waking up at 3am just because she wanted to tell me she doesnt need anything... ahhhhh thank god for coffee. am i the only mommy that cant figure out how to be sensative and understanding at 3am?
OMG so true... i'll be happy to get 3-4 hrs sleep at a time. I have 2 kids under 4 and work full time. I'm always in a hurry and significantly sleep deprived. As a matter of fact, I haven't slept a full night in almost 4 1/2 years. I think I read somewhere that lack of sleep can also contribute to the weight gain or inability to lose the weight. Not to mention trying to keep up with career development. My kids already imitate us and pull out the leapfrog laptop to do "business".
Amen, sisters! So glad to know I'm not alone with all of these feelings. No one did ever tell us how hard it would be. But, I guess it's not worth it if it's easy. I don't know. Hang in there!
OMG, before reading this hilarious-but-so-true article, I was thinking about how I can be a better mother, a better employee and a better wife. I believe that this work-life balance is unattainable, I find myself always stressing and sacrificing my sleep, gym workouts, "alone" time, date nights, etc. I am trying my best to reduce/manage my stress because when I am not taking care of myself, then my family suffers too. I realized this when my daughter keeps telling me to "don't shout, Mommy."
Great Article and so true! To save me & my family the stress & lack of balance, we recently sacrificed & adjusted our lifestyle so I can stay at home & support my family by raising my kids, taking care of hubby & home - which is a full time job in itself :) Best decision ever!
I'm a stay-at-home mom, and I don't know how you ladies manage it all. My hat is off to you and all your hard work as an employee and also with your kids! We scrimp and save and stretch every dollar so I can stay home (we buy everything used that's possible to buy used!), but I know that not everybody is in the same boat we are. I know a lot of moms who work jobs outside the home feel judged a lot by stay at home moms, but I have to say that I admire your ability to persevere the way you do when things get tough.
This is the first article that sums it up perfectly how I feel. I work full time have a 2 year old and another one on the way. I love my job and have a good boss he was a single parent and he is understanding. My job is stressful I work for juvenile probation and when dealing with young clients you wonder will I be down this road with my children because I did not stay at home with them. I was having a bad day until I read this article. Thanks abunch sometimes you feel like you are the only one out there.
I have a question for the moms who are shocked to discover that having kids is so stressful and throws work-life balance way off whack. What did you expect? Before you had kids, didn't you observe the lives of others around you who had kids and see how stressed out, exhausted and broke they were? This article talks about "what they never tell you about having kids", but who needs to be told when all you have to do is open your eyes and observe?
"And yes, that's a diaper on the floor." Hahaha! This article was EXACTLY what I needed to read tonight. I'm an attorney who works full time outside the home plus travels, has a toddler, and has a hubby who lives and works in a different city. Some days/weeks/months just seem to be impossible. I'm grateful that my (male) boss didn't have a heart attack last week when on a Friday on one of those Ironman-like weeks, I finally lost it and CRIED AT WORK! That totally breaks the working woman code, but holy crap did I feel better once I got it all out. It's hard to be an achievement-drive,Type A personality, and then find yourself suddenly a pathetic hampster caught on a never-ending wheel of incompetence. You can't be 100% at anything: mothering, working, wife-ing. Sure, those gut-wrenching 45 hours a week that my son is away from me are horrible, but I try to really focus on making every other minute that I have with him count. I put the laptop away until after he's gone to bed, and try not to beat myself up too much. We just do what we have to do to survive our crazy beautiful lives.
My friend sent me a link to read this. I have to day I totally I agree with Samantha(1682340). I mean, come on, before you had kids you all would have to be completely obliviant to how 24/7 tired/stressed/broke mommies always are. I am 27 years old and, believe me, I notice it everywhere I go. It makes me glad I am not a mom and that I chose to never have kids. I like kids but never have been the maternal type. I thought I would become a mom because that's just what you do. I am so glad I decided not to! I can enjoy my life the way I want and I am thankful for that everyday. I think being a mom is a beautiful thing but it's just is not meant for everyone and more people need to realize that.
I completely relate to spelling my words wrong. I was always really good in English and never had the confusion with its/your/to until I catch myself writing it wrong. It's also harder for me to articulate like I used to and carry on an intelligent conversation, even when I hardly knew the subject matter. Sigh.
I just want to sleeeep! Sigh.