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From Amy McCready, Positive Parenting Solutions founder and TODAYMoms contributor
That whiny voice: We hear it when they want our attention. We hear it when they're complaining. We hear it when they don't get their way. Whether it comes from a toddler or teenager, whining is like fingernails on a chalkboard and it sends our blood pressure soaring!
Why do kids whine?
It's simple. They whine because it works! Kids know that whining is a sure fire way to get our attention, to get us to give in, or engage us in a power struggle. Whining is a learned behavior and parents are the teachers.
It begins when they are infants. They cry to let us know they're hungry, tired, or need a diaper change and of course, we respond. As they become more verbal and are able to use their words to communicate their wants and needs, we continue to respond to whining. When children are fully capable of communicating with their words, we continue to respond but usually with an irritated tone or a reprimand such as, "Please don't whine," "Use your big girl voice," or "I'm not going to answer you when you whine." (Guess what, you just did.)
Even though the attention we provide as a result of whining isn't necessarily positive, they still get a "hit" of attention. What they really want is our positive attention, but they'll take the negative attention instead.
We have to remember that kids only continue behaviors that "work for them." If a behavior delivers results, they'll continue using that behavior. The whining child realizes: "Hey, this is a pretty effective way to get them to pay attention to me," or "If I whine long enough, they'll eventually give in." The child learns that whining provides a payoff.
Every time you pick up a whining child you are providing a payoff for the behavior. He doesn't hear your frustrated tone or your annoyed remark. He only knows that whining got him what he wanted. Parents essentially "train" their children that if the child is persistent with their whining, they will eventually get their way.
Parents can wean whining by implementing these three strategies:
Fill your child's normal, hard-wired need for positive attention.
Spend one-on-one time each day with your child when he has you all to himself -- no siblings around. Just 10 minutes of one-on-one time -- once or twice each day -- will fill your child's attention basket with positive attention and do wonders to reduce negative attention seeking behaviors like whining. If your toddler wants to play with trucks or host a tea party, get on the floor, get into his or her world and play trucks or tea party. If your school age child is into card games, play a round or two of UNO. If your preteen is into music, spend 10 minutes searching for new songs on iTunes. You may wonder how you'll fit this extra one-on-one time into an already over-scheduled day. The reality is, you're probably already spending more than 10 minutes dealing with negative behaviors each day. Investing in one-on-one time will pay big rewards in good behavior, a better relationship with your child and you may actually have more time for yourself!
Remove the payoff.
If the whining "works," your child will continue it! Your job is to make sure whining doesn't "work"! In a calm moment when everyone is in their "happy place," let your child know that "when he whines, it hurts your ears," or is an "unacceptable way to communicate." Continue by saying… "When you use your whiny voice, I am not going to respond. I am going to turn around and walk away. When I hear your normal voice, then I'll be very happy to talk to you."
Now, you've put your child "on notice." The next times he whines – don't say a word! Remember: Your verbal feedback or your non-verbal irritation provides a payoff that will make the behavior continue! Just turn around and calmly walk away. When he uses his normal voice, respond calmly and pleasantly.
Hold your ground!
Don't be surprised if whining gets worse before it gets better! Your kids are accustomed to you eventually responding to their whining. When you choose to not respond, they will likely escalate the volume and keep at it longer. "How long will it really take for mom to crack?" If you eventually give in to whining, it reinforces to your kids that they merely have to whine louder or longer. Be firm, hold your ground and simply walk away without any words or the slightest hint of irritation. When you hear the calm voice, then you will be happy to respond. It works like a charm!
Kids only continue behaviors that "work" for them! Whether your whiner is 3 or 13, these strategies will go a long way in reducing your parenting stress and restoring your peaceful home.
Amy McCready is the founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and mom to two boys, ages 12 and 14. Positive Parenting Solutions teaches parents of toddlers to teens how to correct misbehaviors permanently without nagging, reminding or yelling. For more information on "weaning the whining" and for free training resources, visit: www.PositiveParentingSolutions.com
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27 comments, including:
Well I will have to agree on the fact the article was "interesting" effective...maybe...realistic..definitely not. Elizabeth, you tell the kids they dont get a vote and to get in the car NOW. The whole pretense of the article is what is wrong with our society.