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By TODAY show editor Sara Pines, a.k.a. Sandwich Mom
If you can accumulate up to six months of sleep debt in the first two years of your baby’s life... I declare bankruptcy, right now!
According to a recent story in the Daily Mail, two thirds of mothers and fathers of babies and toddlers get fewer than four hours of sleep every night and in the first two years of their child's life that adds up to a loss of about six months of zzzz's. Now that's nothing to snooze at!
As any new parent can tell you, the warnings are dire and start early. And they come when you’re particularly vulnerable. As a pregnant mom-to-be, you're waddling around already, can’t get comfortable whether you’re standing, sitting, sleeping, working and then all the books and all the experts and the ladies in line at the supermarket or at the nail salon tell you, ”Sleep now, when you can. You’ll never get any sleep once the baby comes. You will never be more exhausted.”
Oh, and when they find out I’m a single mom, the knowing looks gets tinged with pity. And as they leave with their bread or bright pink nails, they say, “Remember to sleep when the baby sleeps!”
Thanks.
But here’s my dirty little secret: Turns out I had the best training in the world for being a sleep-deprived new, single mom... and the training came in an unlikely place: A dimly lit, male-dominated, pressure-filled underground den knows as the TODAY show's 1-A Control Room.
For six years, I was the morning writer for the TODAY show. When I first started, I got in around 4:45 a.m. By the end of my exhausting stint, I got in around 3:30 a.m.
So, my alarm went off at 2:45 a.m. I pushed snooze and finally rolled out of bed (I’d taken a shower the night before to save time in the morning), walked the dog (yes, Mom, I walked the dog at 3 a.m., just as the last callers were rolling in from the bars) and headed to work.
I never got enough sleep. I couldn’t go to bed at 7 p.m. It was more like 11 p.m. By the end of the week, I would literally ache I was so exhausted. About two months in, I abandoned my contacts. They just sting too much when you’ve gotten only a few hours.
So, fast forward to 2006, I’m a brand new mom and these dire warnings about sleep are ringing in my ears. I would feed Isabelle, sleep for three hours, wake up and feed her again, and get another three hours. I’m not great in math, but that’s a total of six hours. That’s heaven after working the early shift at TODAY.
Now, I also think luck played a role in my lack of sleep desperation (don’t worry, I was desperate about plenty of other things.) Isabelle has always been a pretty good sleeper, much like Mom. I can fall asleep almost anywhere and I did take the advice of napping when the baby naps!
And I followed my pediatrician’s advice religiously. At about two months she said, "Put the baby to sleep drowsy, but awake so she doesn’t get used to just falling asleep in your arms. For us, it worked like a charm. And the sleep patterns, especially during my maternity leave, were not terrible.
Then, I went back to work. And now I work from 2 p.m. until about 11 p.m. I was able to keep up with life for her first 18 months or so, when she’d get up at 6 a.m. and go back for a nap at 9 a.m. and so would I. The transition to a one-nap child was a painful one (when she dropped the morning nap). I was already at work for the afternoon nap, so that didn't help me, and that morning nap was my lifeline -- my only chance at sleep again until midnight.
I’m still mourning the end of the morning nap.
Fast forward to the present.. Isabelle is 4 and now is when I’m struggling with sleep the most. Maybe it’s the single mother/ only child dynamic -- whenever I’m not at work and our beloved babysitter is not on duty -- it’s all Mom, all the time: playing the games, making and going on the playdates, cooking, laundry, answering the never-ending stream of questions like, "What’s a torpedo, mom?" "Can I have a kitty?" "Why don’t I have a daddy?"
And she’s completely done with napping.
So, on a recent Saturday afternoon, after a busy Friday and a frantic Saturday morning birthday party and a week of all-day, everyday camp, can you blame me for hoping my 4-year-old would succumb to a little shut-eye?
But no.
I’m literally falling asleep in my "Green Eggs and Ham." So, I finally give up on my attempt at quality bonding time and turn on Nick Jr. She’ll watch “whatever what’s on” and I dose on the couch. While the short series of 10-minute catnaps soaks up some of the exhaustion, it leaves a slight residue of guilt behind.
If I can just make it to 6:30, I think, the babysitter will be here and I’ll be able to grab dinner and a movie with friends. The report when I get home, "She fell asleep on the living room floor at 7 p.m.!" Where was that 4-year-old sleepiness when I needed it!?!?!
I think sleep is the Holy Grail of parenthood. For some the quest is more intense when you’re measuring your parental accomplishments in weeks. For others, it's the utter fatigue of constant activity and psychological and emotional challenges that lays you low, around pre-school time.
And I know I still have a long way to go... But, hey, that’s what caffeine is for, right?
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Leave a Comment:
Sara:
More great insight...how about losing sleep over aging parent issues. My kids sleep fine these days, now I am up worrying about Mom!!! Keep up the great work!
I am a mother of twins and I don't think I got very much sleep the first YEAR. All I can say it does get better and now I can get 10 hours if I need it. My twins are 10!
Another interesting post. I'm trying to enjoy sleeping while I still can.
6 months!  My kids are grown now but I can tell you that you don't get any sleep the first two years until they have all their teeth. And this is nothing compared to the teenage years.  Just wait until those twins are 16!
I thought I was alone! My twins are 4 and I get 3-5 hours a night - interrupted 1-4 times. At least one will have a nightmare...have to go potty...have a cold...wake "just because".... It is better since the sleep apnea for one of them was fixed (that used to be 4-5 hours, interrupted up to 8 times a night). I only get a solid night when grandma takes them (about 4 times a year) and haven't slept well since I was 8 weeks pregnant. When people tell me their kid sleeps thru the night but they "only" get 6 hours...let's just say I feel no pity. :-)
Hope things improve for you Momma!! I feel your pain. Working full-time and being a parent is hell on your sleep cycle.
Life with a newborn doesn't have to be sleep deprived. Look into co-sleeping. Best thing we could ever have done to ensure everyone gets a good night's sleep.
I have to agree. My baby is 4 months and he sleeps with me. He goes to bed about 9 and sleeps till around 7. The whole house wakes up well rested with a very happy baby.
Six Months? Are you kidding? Try six years!
My baby would stay awake as long as I was around. Mom is the best toy ever! But when the sitter was there, he'd sleep the whole time she was on duty. That baby is now 20 years old and sleeps til 3 p.m. everyday.
Sometimes when my 3 year old wakes me up at 5am all bright eyed and bushy tailed - I think, someday you will be a teenager and you will want to sleep until noon. Someday, I will wake YOU up at the crack of dawn to mow the lawn. Then I laugh, crawl out of bed and haul out the box of Cheerios.
Wow. I must be lucky. She started sleeping through the night at 2-3 months (from 10pm until 6am) & about a year old, she was sleeping from 7pm to 7am most days. at 3 she still naps in the afternoon. I haven't felt sleep deprived, but of course I was in the Navy onboard ships & grew used to sleeping in short stints of 3-4 hours with 6 hours feeling like a downright luxury and rare treat. I would nap with her during the day & still do from time to time since #2 is coming this fall.
My daughter had collic for the first 6 months and all she did was scream 24/7 it seemed. Even the doctors at the ER said it was collic and that she'll eventually "grow out of it". Luckily she did, but those 6 months were awful.
Now I am a single dad of a very happy 10 year old girl who sleeps about 10 hours a night!Â
I truly lucked out, I tell you what. My daughter started sleeping through the night (in her own room / crib) at 8 weeks old. Before that, I napped when she napped. Housework could wait. Sleep was my priority. Most of my friends have babies / young children who will not sleep through the night because they must be held to fall asleep, and wake up when they're moved. I was lucky to have a sleepy, independent baby, I guess, because it sounds like my experience is the minority!
did any of you commenting the you didn't sleep for the first YEAR or SIX YEARS actually READ the article? it doesn't say you don't sleep for the first six months! it says:
"...two thirds of mothers and fathers of babies and toddlers get fewer than four hours of sleep every night and in the first two years of their child's life that adds up to a loss of about six months of zzzz's."
Exactly! I keep reading those comments and figure that people can't be bothered to read past the headline...
Oh, well....as with all the studies about the 'cost and loss' of having a child, I say - who cares and so what? It all works out in the end, the stories of how we managed without sleep and money make for good playground chatter and our kids end up making us proud and happy. Barring physical and mental disabilities, most kids will end up sleeping through the night, get potty trained, dump their bottle and pacifiers (if they had them) learn to read, write their names, get a job and eventually move out. We can complain all we want about the high's and low's of being a parent but let's not take any of it too seriously.
DUH!!! This isn't news. It goes with the territory.
Six months?? I feel like even though my kids are middle schoolers and have slept well themselves for over 10 years, I haven't slept the same since they were born. I wake at every little noise and bump to make sure all is well. I think it just goes with the territory...once your a mom, you can kiss those days of sleeping like a rock goodbye!
I slept well after my kids were grown and married TIL I HAD A GRANDBABY.
When he stays over at grandma's house, I hear every little noise.
But what a blessing he is!
Guilt, schmilt. Doze when you can, even if you have to say something like "Unless you see blood or flames, don't wake me up."
Its called sleep training. My son slept through the night at 2 months and took two 2hr naps til he was one and then moved to a 3-4 hr nap every afternoon. He is now 2 and still sleeps 2-3 hrs every afternoon. If you allow them to only sleep a little at a time you will be crazy with sleep deprivation. Be the parent and train them how to sleep.
I'm laughing at these people who are talking about having the perfect sleeper, or how they trained their child to sleep longer and later. My first child was a perfect sleeper, slept through the night at 6 weeks, and only had a few month phase at 3 or so when she was hard to put to bed. She took two naps through age 2, and still takes one nap when I really need her to at age 7.
I thought I was a pretty good mom, felt a sort of smug happy satisfaction, until my second child disabused me of the notion that it had anything to do with me!
So, those of you who have good sleepers, rejoice and relish that sleep you're getting. And watch out for number two. ;)
Here's to all the parents who need a little more ...SLEEP!!!
I'm not a fan of 'sleep training'. A newborn needs to be fed when they need to be fed. I'll listen to my baby's instincts and my biological instincts when it comes to the sleeping and eating cycle for my newborn. A million years of evolution and a successful species indicates biology is more on my side than a 'sleep training expert'. I like my sleep but I have to trust my instincts on this one. Sleep deprivation is a small price to pay.
My son didn't sleep through the night for 2 1/2 years. My daughter slept through the night from the start. You just have to play with the cards you are dealt. Sometimes an ace sometimes a joker. It's all in how you play them.
Um...not to quibble, but assuming 8 hours of sleep is "normal" (although I don't think I've slept 8 hours in a night in 30 years), getting half that would result in 4 months lost in the first two years, not 6 months. Still a monumental amount of time, but let's get the math right...
Considering swimming? You might get wet.
Good one!
I don't even have kids, but now I want to take a nap.