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Subscribe to RSSAll parents want their children to grow up to become independent, responsible adults. But just when and how should the cord-cutting process begin? For instance, when is it OK to let your child swim alone? Take a bath alone? Stay home alone? Travel on an airplane alone?
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I have a now 11 1/2 year old who we started letting him stay home at 9 years of age afterschool for an 1 1/2 and last year in 5th grade he was allowed to stay home on 1/2 days. This past summer on days that he couldn't go to summer camp he stayed home the whole day. First of all he looks 14 and is a very mature highly intelligent young man. He has a cell phone and texts or calls me often. He also keeps in contact via IM. He knows the rules and knows to follow them or he will loose the ability to stay by himself. He has stayed home in the evening instead of going somewhere till 10 pm and feels comfortable with it. I have even taught him to start making dinner. He can put the food in the oven at a particular time so all I have to do is take it out. I do not trust him taking a hot dish out yet but shortly I am sure that will not be a problem. Most people are shocked to hear how old he is because of his size and maturity level. He can sit and hold a conversation with adults and add his input and thoughts in a way that most adults can't. It amazes me how well he turned out considering I am a single parent with no male rold model. Now I have a 7 1/2 yr old who even at 11 wouldn't be able to stay home for 30 mins. He has special needs and tends to be impulsive, hyper, and a scaredy cat.
While it is great that nothing happened to most of these young children, most should not have been left home alone regardless of how mature the parents thought they were. The problem is not about when things are routine, but when something goes wrong like a fire, an accident that leaves the child hurt or an intruder attempts to get in.
Children generally are not going to think these situations through the way an adult would, and that is the real danger.
It does not matter how mature you think your child is, what matters is what the law allows. You need to check because last I was told , a child under the age of eighteen can not be left at home alone under any circumstances. Even a babysitter has to eighteen before they can be left alone with minors. You need to check your laws in the city you live in before you are brought up on charges......
your kidding right 18, Thomas-2016987
so does that mean that kids can not be out side of the home alone as well until they are 18. why do they get to have a drivers license at 16? , why can they go outside and play with there friends without there parents at there side? I have also researched this issue and in most states there is no law on the age but rather the parents have to judge if the child is capable or not. However if something happens then the parent is responsible for that and can be held liable.
Thomas are you insane? I mean really? Kids can get a JOB at 15 but can't be left alone at their homes till 18. Your parents must have put you in a bubble. Do you not think parents do research before doing this...I mean really?
http://www.latchkey-kids.com/latchkey-kids-age-limits.htm
In Maryland the age was 8 now I wouldn't have let an 8 year old but he started at 9 1/2 years of age. He was a 4th grader and 9 1/2 and very mature. Most people are shocked to hear that he is 11 1/2 not just because he is very tall and looks about 14 but he is a very smart, resourcful, level headed child. Now I have another son wh o is turning 8 soon and wouldnt even entertain the tought of letting him home even at 9. It's time to break out of your bubble and enjoy life.
Thomas is wrong. There IS no minimum age in our state to leave a child alone, which seems absurd, of course. I'd never personally let my 9 year olds be home alone because I don't think they are equipped to handle themselves and are not mature enough. I started babysitting at age 11 and felt comfortable. In our area most day care centers won't take kids over age 12, so that seems to be the "normal" age. I know people who started letting their kids stay home alone at age 11. I think my mom left us alone to go back to work when I was 9 or 10.
I was really lonely after my mom went back to work. It was a loneliness that turned into depression. I wish my mom would have found an alternative - like activities or finding a friend who I could hang out with. It's hard to be a youth and stuck inside your house alone all day. But little kids shouldn't be stuck alone for 8 or more hours a day.
I understand that day care is extremely expensive, especially with more than one child. But, I think as parents we have to balance their maturity, safety and ability to handle any situation that might arise.
We allow our 10 year old daughter (5th grade) to stay home alone for short amounts of time. For example, if we need to run to the grocery store, go to the gym, or have a meeting. She is responsible and we've reviewed the rules extensively. No answering the house phone, no answering the door, keep in touch via cell & text, no friends over. She understands that if she breaks the rules, the privilege of staying home alone will be gone. Honestly, its not my daughters behavior I worry about. I fear more a home break in or fire, or other disaster that would endanger her.
My two boys were 7 and 9 when I started leaving them home briefly while I ran out for milk, etc. Very short periods of time- 15 to 20 min tops. By the time they were 9 and 11 I had changed jobs and they became "latch key kids" 3-4 days a week, alone for an hour or two until I got home. I always called from work every day to check on them, and they had my brother's phone number and two neighbor moms as emergency back-up. Around this time I got a dog, a large black lab/rottie mix, very protective. I started leaving them home alone in the evenings when they were 13 and 15, for a few hours at a time. I had a "beeper" then (before cell phones) and would always call at least once to check. I raised my kids as a single mom, with very little help emotional/physical/financial from their dad. They are grown now, very independent and doing well. One is in construction and the other graduated college and is a police officer and in the Marine Corps Reserve. I am very proud of both of them.
I believe it all depends on the child and their ability to follow directions when it comes to staying home alone. Children need to know RULES regarding answering the door, phone calling 911 etc. Having a contact person in the neighborhood. Having a phone w/emergency numbers. Knowing what to do if there is a fire or if he gets hurt. I don't believe children should be left alone to care for younger siblings, but again it depends on age and maturity. I believe 9 years of age is a good age to start a child staying at home by himself if the child feels comfortable some children are just not able to be alone and make decisions and most parents know who those children are. Children are going to make some poor choices when even taught all the above so be prepared. A parent MUST pound into a child's head that any decision they may be thinking about doing they MUST call the parent before doing it." Practice runs" are good when starting this process.
I am so glad that this is a topic!!
My son is 9 1/2. Like Angies son- very mature responsible. I still make him go to the sitters during the summer and I will continue next year as well. He will also go there after school this year-he will be in 4th. I know its a year away, but NEXT school year, he will be in 5th grade-middle school. I think that he is ready to get off the bus by himself and stay in the house until my boyfriend or myself gets home. My boyfriend works only til 330 so on those days he will be home alone from 315-4 and til 515 on days my boyfriend has to work late or has other obligations. He will be 10 1/2 by then. Even though its a year away, I am allready getting anxious about it. I trust him, but, I have a complete fear of not having complete control over the situation. What does everyone think?
@kelley - At 9, he's not mature.
If he really is responsible, then at 10 I would think that he could be home after school for about an hour, but with rules like 1) call or text as soon as he is home 2) stay inside 3) don't answer the door 4) no cooking ect...
I was a single mom with 4 kids. Those rules were similar to the ones I had (except for the texting...no cell phones then) I only have a 16 year old still at home and they all made poor choices at some point, but that is a learning experience.
Maturity is not necessarily a specific age.
I am so glad that this is a topic!!
My son, Collin is 9 1/2. Like Angies son- very mature responsible. I still make him go to the sitters during the summer and I will continue next year as well. He will also go there after school this year-he will be in 4th. I know its a year away, but NEXT school year, he will be in 5th grade-middle school. I think that he is ready to get off the bus by himself and stay in the house until my boyfriend or myself gets home. My boyfriend works only til 330 so on those days he will be home alone from 315-4 and til 515 on days my boyfriend has to work late or has other obligations. He will be 10 1/2 by then. Even though its a year away, I am allready getting anxious about it. I trust him, but, I have a complete fear of not having complete control over the situation. What does everyone think?
I truly believe that this varies by child. My girls are 10 1/2 and 9 and we do leave them home alone usually up to an hour unless it is a special circumstance. My husband is a teacher/football coach so he is home with them all Summer. When football practice starts during the day he will leave them home alone while coaching for up to 2 hours. The girls do great because they know the rules (no answering phone unless it is one of us, no answering the door) and we leave them a 'to do' list that keeps them busy. We are not at the point where we will leave them in the evening time, though. We insist upon a babysitter for those times. You just have to raise your children to be trustworthy and make sure there are clear rules to follow.
It is my understanding that in most states it is not legal to leave children under 10 alone or caring for younger children. Parents might want to check in with their area child welfare offices to find out local laws.
I worked as a Child Protective Investigator for 26 years. To my knowledge, the only places where there are rules/laws about children being left alone are on military bases. My department often received reports about children being left alone. The guideline we started with was that the Red Cross babysitter training course was for children age 11 and up. The next thing we looked at was the logistics of the house: was there a telephone, people nearby (were those people nice neighbors or crackheads), if the child knew what to do in the case of an emergency... if there were younger children, if they knew what to do if the oldest child had an accident ( got hit on the head, could not use the telephone), if the children being left alone got along with each other, versus fighting...I once indicated a mother for neglect because she used her 15 year old daughter to babysit her two younger brothers- why? because the brothers both had learning and behavioral problems. During the school day, the boys had 1 on 1 aides. It was unreasonable to expect a 15 year old girl to handle the two boys on her own, with the extreme behaviors they each had. The decisons made were somewhat subjective and on a case by case basis.
Some states have laws on when (what age) a child can be left alone. You should check it out. Also, you never know when a child-protective agency is going to be called for some reason or other, even if you didn't do anything wrong (it's a big problem in some areas), so be careful about that too. People (at least in my area) only have to make an anonymous phone call to sick an agent on you.
I researched and called my local social services dept. Maryland is one of the only 2 or 3 states that specifies age. They have to be 8....now I wouldn't let my 8 year old stay. My son had to be 9 and it was for 1 1/2 afterschool and that was all. It's funny because I am one of the most protective moms out there but this was something that I felt he was able to do. He has proved to be very responsible.
I started staying home alone when I was 10 (and I'm 32 now). I've always been the kind of kid who tended to stay away from trouble, so there was no problem as long as I knew to keep the doors locked and don't let any callers know there's no parents home. For ages 10 and up, it would depend on the maturity of the child, though 12 to me would be a cutoff for a babysitter regardless of maturity. By age 12 a child should know the basics for not letting strangers know they're alone, who to contact in case of emergency, how not to put themselves in danger (don't leave the stove on, etc.), and be expected to obey about not letting friends over (and pray he/she doesn't).
I started staying home when I was 10 as well. I'm now 29. I was usually home alone for about two hours before one of my parents got home. There was never any issues with it. I had rules to follow and I did. Most kids around that age (at least when I was young) never really did much to get in trouble. My friends and I were more concerned about school gossip than anything that could get us into any real trouble. Drugs and sneaking around (among other issues) simply were't factors when I was 10. But as you and others have mentioned, it really depends on the individual child.
Glad I read this article. My youngest will be 11 in October but starting the 6th grade this year. He will be getting off the bus by himself as my older son is in football until after I get home from work. The soon to be eleven year old will be home for about two hours each day until I or my husband get home. I got him a cell phone to have so he can call and text and we have run through the drill of getting in and locking behind him and then calling. I was afraid I was letting him stay home at too young of an age but I see that it's okay. He is very responsible. So glad again for all the good comments, I feel much better..
When I was 11 I babysat for a family with 2 small children after school for a couple of hours. I think as long as your child is mature and knows how to handle an emergency - he should be fine in 6th grade.
Wow, this hits home. Fresno, CA. Son-12 daughter-10. We have been leaving them home alone for 2-3 hours at a time for about a year now. 2 weeks ago at 5:15 pm in the evening we went out to go to the mall and they wanted to stay home. We expected to be gone about 1.5 hours. We were 5 min away from the house and my son texts me that someone is knocking at the door. Soon he calls me to say they have been pounding at the door for about 2 minutes and won't go away. We were close to home still so we turned around and got home in about 5 minutes. My kids saw another guy looking over the back wall of our back yard (street, no back neighbors). I confronted both men and chased them off and called 911. The cops got there too late and never found them.
Two burglars were about 2 minutes from being in the house with my kids. Lucky they were paying attention and everything turned out okay. We had an alarm system put in 2 days later and we just picked up a German Shepherd mix puppy from the animal shelter who is an absolute adorable puppy. I hope she grows up big enough to eat intruders. My worst fear as a father almost came true... that I couldn't be there to help my children.
Nothing beats a large dog with a loud bark. Dogs work even when the power is out. We have German Shepards and Pitbulls as well as an alarm system. We don't worry about our kids being home while we are out. Our German Shepard has more than once proved to be very protective of our family. A note to those who have dogs tied outside, the dog will only be protective of the yard, not you! A dog that is tied can't get to the bad guys to help you either. This is one of the many reasons to keep your dogs inside with you.
My parents started allowing me to stay home alone at about age ten. My son and daughter-in-law, on the other hand, have their daughters stay with us when they are gone. I think that neighborhood safety has played a large part in that: my parents knew that I had only to call for the people across the street to come running, and he was an armed Secret Service agent. We also had two large dogs. My own home features locked steel-core exterior doors, two yapping Shelties backed up by a clumsy but lovable pit bull, a state-of-the-art alarm system- and a Remington 870 shotgun I am well qualified to use. Times have, sadly, changed.
This is such a hard thing to generalize about. So many of the moms that have posted are single parents (who are doing 150% to keep up with everything they are responsible for) who sound like they don't have a lot of great options. Then there are moms like me who do not live anywhere near their relatives, or are new to an area, and lack willing friends or neighbors who could be called upon to help. So, it ends up a nerve racking judgment call. My sense is that the moms who think/worry about this issue are very attuned to their kids and know pretty well what is safe for that particular child (--it's just the constant dread of 'what if' situations and horror stories that abound on the news & internet).
It depends upon the maturity of the child....and how many children there. Being #2 out of 5 kids (Ages currently 25, 23, 22, 16, 14), there were the 3 older children to watch the 2 youngest. Our parents started leaving us by ourselves at home for a couple of hours at a time(Walmart runs, errands, etc.) when the oldest was 13 (so 13, 11, 10, 4, and a baby). With 3 of us supervising the 2 little ones we had everything under control. Our parents taught us very strict rules on how to properly answer the phone and door...and what to do in case of emergencies....not to mention our Father was a Drill Sergeant for the Army...so we were also highly disciplined children, period.
I think it depends on the child. I have a 12 year old 7th grader that comes home after school by himself, eats a light snack and gets his homework finished. He is there alone from 3:00 until about 5:00. During the summer time he was home along all day quite frequently. He knows not to use the oven or stove top but is allowed to microwave easy mac, etc. I work literally 2 miles from home and he knows to call me should an emergency arise. We also have several neighbors that he knows he can call. Neither him nor his father and I are ready for the home alone in the late evenings/nights, but during the day seems to be working out well.
Our girls are 10-1/2 and soon-to-be 12. We started letting them stay home for short periods of time (not evening) a little over a year ago. Since then, we've increased the stretches of time they can stay home, and we've left them in the evening on just a couple of occasions and not for very long. In addition to the usual rules mentioned, I also don't allow any cooking as we have a gas stove and I'm not comfortable with that. If they want something to eat, it has to be something that doesn't require cooking. Also, no showers. I just have an image of falling or something and being there in the shower. We do have a security system, which helps with the peace of mind, and a 90 lb dog that would be absolutely thrilled to have a burglar pet him... but they don't know that!
Our school system has latchkey care at the school, and we have always used that. This year, though, we are thinking of possibly allowing them to take the bus home which would mean they would be home for about an hour each day. Still a little undecided on that.
I also have a stepdaughter who is college age, and I can say from experience with her that I am actually more nervous about a teenager being home alone because of the trouble they can get into. Similar rules for her, but there were times when offers from friends to pick her up and go places, letting friends come over, were just too tempting. For teenagers, I want call-ins from my home land line, not from a cell phone, so I know they are actually home at my house.
I was a single mom newly divorced when I tried to leave my 8 yo old son alone after school for a few hours. The school bus dropped him off at our apartment so there was no walking involved after school. He was too young. He started peeing in a corner of the living room. He was scared to leave the room even though there was a bathroom right there! I enrolled him in the local YMCA where they let me pay what I could. They were a lifesaver for me.
Each child is different and the time to leave them alone is when you feel they are able. We started letting our oldest child babysit the others when she was 11, for short periods of time. But we told the others that in no way was she the boss, except in case of an emergency, then they had to do exactly what she said. We told them that they were each responsible for themselves, and gave them the basics we felt were important.
I have a 13 year old that is very immature for his age and has many learning disabilities....I still won't leave him home alone. I have a 9 year old that is very mature for his age, but he's got a sneaky streak....not trust worthy enough to be left home alone. I'd rather pay for childcare/piece of mind, then find out the hard way that they weren't ready to be left home alone. Maybe in a year or two I will feel like they can handle it, but I'm not leaving them alone until I'm sure they will be responsible and safe. I say go with your gut....and I believe single digit ages are too young to be left alone, even if they are mature for their age.
I'm in a similar situation with my 11 year old as you are in with your 9 year old. He's smart and mature, but has a bit of a sneaky streak and he makes a lot of poor choices. I think about the things he does when I'm home and just in the other room ... Anyway, he's starting 6th grade this year and will be coming home on the bus, getting home at about 4:30. I'm usually home between 5:30 and 6. Right now, I'm in the process of interviewing sitters (in the 30+ year range) to stay with him until I get there.
I agree that if you can afford it, and you're not 100% sure your child is ready to be home alone, it's well worth it to pay for child care when you compare that against the health and safety of your child as well as your own peace of mind. In my own personal situation, my son will be paying for the majority of the cost from allowance money and any money he receives from relatives. It might seem harsh, but we've been struggling with his sneaky behavior for quite some time and since there are no chemical, biological, or psychological reasons for it, it's boiling down to a simple case of a good kid making bad choices. I'm guessing that after a year of having no money and seeing his friends come home alone without a sitter, he'll get with the program. If not, he may be the only student taking a date and a sitter to senior prom :)
LOL I love it! Sounds like you're on top of things at your house. I totally agree with having him help pay for the cost of the sitter as well. I like to call that fines and restitution in my house. ;) Good behavior earns money and bad behavior costs money, just like when you're an adult.
I feel some parents suffer from the "my child can do no wrong syndrome" and don't want to believe they could be doing things that aren't allowed. Others may be lucky enough to have easy going, well behaved kids that do exactly as they're told (though none of those kids went to my school growing up).
If you happen to have one that falls into the sneaky or irresponsible category, then it's best to play it safe. I just hired our babysitter/tutor for this school year, and I feel much better. Though, it's always a task trying to find someone reliable and responsible to watch your kids as well. Good luck with your search.
People worry too much about how young another person's kid is at home alone. My daughter was 8 1/2 when I started leaving her home before and after school. (about 20 minutes alone in morn and eve) I had her go to daycare for the Christmas and summer holidays but the next year I let her stay home for Christmas break and told her it was a test for the summer. She did fine. I had rules and she had to follow them. I worked less than a mile away, and I was able to take her calls at work (this was critical for me).
Kids learn to be independent when you give them responsibility and have expectations for them. If you baby them, then they turn out to be big babies. I know people who have never let their 14 year-olds shop alone before, or women who take their 10 year olds into the women's bathroom. Stupid.
Gregorovich, What you do with your kids is your business.. 8 and half in most states is illegal... Glad it worked out for you... As for the taking 10 year olds into the womens bathroom, i don't agree with you on that.... I had a friend that let her 10 year old go into the mens bathroom stood outside while he was rapped... So I guess that makes me think alot differently.... Glad nothing has ever happened to your kids...
Wow I never post any comments, but this one breaks my heart. As a single mother of a boy who is special needs, he has to go w/me everywhere, and yes at 10yrs old even to the public bathrooms at times. The bad thing is at a quick glance you wouldn't realize he's special needs; he is mildly autistic, but can't be left alone. He would take off w/anyone and you wouldn't even need to offer candy. Thankfully most women never make a big deal or give dirty looks and no one has ever made rude comments. I make him either come in a large stall with me or stand quietly/politely outside my stall door. Plus I agree w/Linda, just that one time you allow them to go to the MENS room like a big boy and your worst fears come true, no thanks buddy!
Good for you. As a single mom, I agree one hundred percent. I've heard my fair share of horror stories, including an incident at our local mall involving a young boy. Unfortunately however, my son prefers to hold it no matter what in order to avoid the ladies room.
I honestly believe people like "Linda" make up events to support their position. Not letting a 10 year old boy go to the men's room for fear of rape is laughable. If a 10 yr old has not been taught about "strangers" shame on the parents. Our 6 yr old knows better. Don't let fear of the miniscule make children fearful - how will the handle any adversity unless they are taught to be independent. You are not doing them any favors. Is your goal to make them dependent on you forever?? Believe it or not some parents do - what a pity.
Linda, only 2 states and 1 city in Oregon actually have minimum age laws--and one of those states, the minimum age is 8. So no, 8 1/2 in most states is NOT illegal.
Depending on who your kids are friends with and what neighborhood you live in, I'd say NEVER!
NEVER?!? Really. Thanks helicoptor man. Your children will forever be a drain on society b/c they have no idea how to be responsible for themselves. Mom/dad will always do everything for them so they don't screw it up. So what happens when mom/dad die? The rest of the world now has to deal with your psychotic 40-50 year old child who doesn't have a clue how to live on their own. Thanks for that.
My kids are now 11 and 9. We started allowing our son to stay home for a few minutes alone last year, when he turned 10. He is learning disabled, but very responsible. In addition, we live in a crime-free culdesac with three nurses on our block. He knows never to cook (he would not even attempt it when we are home) or allow anyone in the house, even his friends. We post the emergency numbers by the phone and have an emergency routine of running to the neighbor's home for anything. My daughter, who is 9, has not been allowed to stay at home alone or with her brother. She is brilliant, but always willing to push the envelope a bit. She can talk her brother into things, so she stays with us.
Kids are different and their levels of responsibility have to be measured differently. You can't set rules that are not flexible to the child. My kids know they are different and they understand why the rules are different. It is not a sex issue, it is a kid issue.
I have also taught my kids to go to a mom for help. Moms will usually help in any situation. Uniforms just confuse the kids. They are not afraid of strangers, but know not to go with one. It helps to live in an area where there is little crime and the society is very family oriented.
You are the Mom I wish I'd had. I grew up in the 1950's & 1960's. I stayed home alone since I was 3 years old.
Now, I don't know how to keep connected to people and I prefer the TV as company. My parents thought I was an adult at 12 years old, but my brain had not caught up with their perception. I could write a book on being singled out by pedophiles, beat up by neighborhood kids, trust issues with authority. One can get over it (being alone most of the time), yes, but deep inside it affects the psyche.
I am so sorry that you had such terrible things happen to you. I don't know if you have pets, but they can be very helpful in learning to trust again. They don't judge you, are always happy to see you and don't care if you are rich, poor, thin, fat, pretty, or ugly. All they want is just love. Animals having healing powers due to their ability to calm people and they also tend to help shy people come out of their shells. Dogs are the best because they can protect you as well as force you to walk and meet others. I hope you find peace and maybe therapy of some kind can start to heal all the trauma you have been through.
No matter what city or state you live in, we all live in a different time than most of us grew up in. There are reports EVERYDAY regarding burgleries, child molestation and rapes, murder etc happening right in your neighborhood. I have two sons and I contacted my local city police department to ask them at what age I could leave my children home alone without having to worry about being charged with child neglect or abandonment. The police department informed me that the recommended age was NO LESS than 12 years of age as that was the typical age of babysitters. I took their advice and did not leave my children home alone for even 10 minutes. God forbid something should happen its too late to say "Oh I shouldn't have left!" Is running that errand to the store or wherever really that important or worth that?
Wow. I have to say I'm shocked by some of the responses. For parents who think it's OK to leave a 10 year old or younger child at home by themselves - it's not. I was in that position as a child and responsible for watching my 5 1/2 year old sister when I was just 10. I was very responsible and mature for my age, but it was too long to be left at home for hours with a small sibling to take care of. It's too much responsibility to place on a child. That is why daycares accept children after school up to age 12. I currently have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. They WILL NOT be allowed to stay home by themselves until they turn 12. We are out in the country in a subdivision with emergency services at least 10 minutes away.
I'm in no way a helicopter, hovering mom. But this is one area that I won't repeat my parents' mistakes and put my children in that position. There ARE other resources out there that we didn't have when I was a kid.
I was a latchkey kid myself, walking home from the bus stop from 2nd grade on up (so 7 years old?). I stayed alone until my single mother returned from work at 6:00 (so about 3 hours). I don't fault her, we were broke and she had to work. I agree with Albqloner in some regard. I today still like to have time alone. My husband was brought up in a family with a stay-at-home mother, and he doesn't understand my need for some alone time now & then. HIs parents are still happily married best friends, and my husband learned the importance of family. We are parents to a 12 year old and a 4 year old. We allow the 12 year old to have short spells at home while we run to the store, but we never ask him to mind the 4 year old. I believe in giving him tests, following through with the consequences if he breaks the rules while we are away, and giving him increasing time alone as he shows maturity and good choice-making.