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This week at my blog Postpartum Progress, I wrote a post called 20 Things I Never Want to Hear or Read Again, Postpartum Depression Edition. I was inspired to write it after reading similar posts from Arwyn at Raising My Boychick whose list focused on parental judgment, and Kristen at Birthing Beautiful Ideas whose list focused on pregnancy and childbirth.
I asked my readers to add their two cents, and was thrilled to see many of them speak up, while at the same time sad to see how many of them received such crappy support and stigmatizing comments from some of the people around them who should have been helping. In a day and age where we are supposed to have more awareness about PPD, I get emails all the time from readers who are still hearing the most awful things from doctors, friends, family members, partners and nurses. I can't emphasize enough how much trauma that adds to an already miserable situation, and how it can slow or even block recovery.
I think it's important to let people know what not to say, so I'm combining the input from my readers to give you the 25 things you should NEVER say to someone with or at risk of getting postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, postpartum OCD, postpartum psychosis or the antenatal (during pregnancy) version of any of these:
1. Just [go for a walk/go out with your friends/have a drink/take a vitamin/go shopping/go back on the pill] and you'll feel all better.
2. Women have been having babies for tens of thousands of years, and they got through new motherhood just fine. Toughen up.
3. Yeah, I had a few bad days there after my baby was born. I know what you're going through. Or ... I just finished my [album/thesis/marathon/political campaign]. I know how you feel.
4. Maybe postpartum depression is God's way of letting you know you don't have enough faith. I think you should pray harder.
5. Stop making this about you. This is about the baby. You should be thinking about him/her rather than yourself.
6. Quitting breastfeeding is selfish. The baby's health is so much more important than yours.
7. I know breastfeeding is really important to you, but you have to quit so you can be treated for PPD.
8. This is the exact medication and dosage I took for my PPD. Just take that and you'll be OK.
9. I would never take antidepressants. You shouldn't need that stuff to be a mother.
10. You're just mad the baby is getting all the attention.
11. PPD is just a fad. Only spoiled, Western women get it, and now that it's "popular" on the blogs, everyone is jumping on the bandwagon.
12. Can't you see how lucky you are? You have a beautiful baby! You should be grateful.
13. This will probably go away on it's own, so don't worry about it.
14. I wouldn't talk about this with anyone. You don't want them to think you're crazy.
15. You don't need to worry about your symptoms unless you're having thoughts of harming your baby.
16. You're just using postpartum depression as an excuse to get out of the hard work of being a mom.
17. Once you go back to work you'll probably feel fine.
18. Why can't you just talk yourself out of this? I don't think you're trying hard enough.
19. Do we need to take your child away from you?
20. If you would just try ______— (fill in the blank) parenting style I think everything would be okay.
21. You have [a supportive partner/wonderful home/great family/good job/food on the table/healthy baby]. You should be happy.
22. All of this crying is bad for your baby, you know.
23. We all have days where we don't want to get out of bed.
24. Did you think motherhood was going to be easy? What did you expect?
25. Postpartum depression isn't real.
Women who have perinatal mood and anxiety disorders didn't do anything to cause them, and require medical help to recover from them. They deserve nothing but patience, love and support. Period.
Have you ever heard one of these lines? Or something worse? Share it here.
More bloggers on parenting, mental health, breastfeeding and PPD
- The Similac recall and why breast is not always best
- The proposed BPA ban: Exposure "much higher" than we thought
- Staying healthy -- for myself and my autistic son
- AOL news story calls postpartum depression "a crock"
- Fighting depression while raising children: It takes an (online) village
Katherine Stone at Postpartum Progress @postpartumprogr
Reaching more than 20 million women each month, BlogHer is the leading participatory news, entertainment and information network for women online with a publishing network of more than 2,500 blogs. BlogHer adds unique voices of women bloggers to the TODAY community. Read more at www.blogher.com -- and sign up for our newsletters to get the best of BlogHer in your inbox.
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I heard all of these when I remarked how I was feeling after my second son was born. It wasn't until years later that I realized I had had post partum depression. I labored through it on my own with no support or treatment. I had my husband at my side, but we were both too ill informed to know what to do. I harbor so much guilt for missing out such precious bonding with my sons and just doing what I needed to do to literally survive. To top it off, I had trouble breast feeding due to some prior surgery so people actually told me that I must be depressed for not properly feeding my baby. Yeah, words like are really helpful.
When I read the title on Today's homepage I thought...this is my mom "25 things not to say to moms with depression" but was disheartened to find it was only about mom's with post partum depression...my mom has been battling with this for 20 years because of a terrible marriage (that she got out of years ago) and crazy anxiety that prevents her from doing most things. I want to be a good daughter, but I've offered everything to help, I don't know what to suggest anymore to help her get better - any suggestions from anyone that has gone through this themselves?
I think many of the above comments also apply to women with depression in general, or men, for that matter. I also think that the hardest thing about dealing with depression is that the depressed person has to realize 1) that there is a problem and 2) that the problem is bigger than she is.
No matter what, don't minimize the illness or attempt to write it off. Be there for her when she needs you and offer the support you can.
I hope she's able to find the help she needs.
photography 116,
you have to have an endless well of patience and compassion. Some times the best thing you can do is stop suggesting and just be there and listen. She may not need advice as much as she needs support. But know, it is just as hard (in a different way) to support someone going through this stuff as it to be the one going through it; if you are truly being there. You need to seek support for yourself. A support group or a therapist. Just know you cannot begin to understand what she is going through, but you also can't fix it. Sometimes it probably seems impossible to say or do the right thing. It may make her very difficult to be around, but you have to look at it like a physical illness (because it is). If your mom was throwing up from chemo, you would hold the bucket as long as it took and do all the other stuff too. In some ways this is harder because it is emotional stuff.
My husband and I struggle a lot with my being bi-polar; but he has stuck by me for 14 years. Not many of them have been pretty, but they've been worth it. He was far from perfect, and I can be horrible to live with. We both continue to work on it every day and get help.
also remember you have to take care of yourself first. You can't be there for her if you have nothing to give. so, do what you need to do to make sure you are filled up emotionally and doing for yourself what you need to, physically.
The other thing that I learned was that it was right that my husband insisted that I get help and work as hard as I can to be better. He would have left out of self preservation if I hadn't. This is a fine line to draw, because depressed and anxious people sometimes refuse help due to their illness...but if she is not psychotic; I think you can insist that she get an action plan for herself and that you won't enable her in unhealthy behavior. I was also very manipulative when I was in the deepest throws of my illness. It was out of desperation, but that didnt make it any easier for my loved ones to deal with. If that is happening you have to give yourself some emotional separation. You can still be there, but learn to build some walls to protect yourself.
Everyone is different, so it's all really hard to say. Even if you don't feel like you need counseling, asking a counselor's advice could be very helpful.
good luck, and hang in there.
Katherine Stone is so right on...as always! Every mother will benefit from reading her blog. As someone who works with postpartum moms daily and facilitates a support group for postpartum depression/anxiety I can assure that NO mother wants to hear any of the things on this list! Keep up the good work Katherine and thanks for the great post Today Moms :)
My favorite *sarcasm* comment came a few weeks ago. "It has been over two years, you are over it by now. You are using it as an excuse to be angry at everyone."
Why do people think you are faking if you aren't better in a few months?! I admit, I was worried about the length of time, but then a friend on Twitter said hers lasted seven years. That made me feel better. We need more open discussions, like the monday chats on Twitter, to let moms know it's ok and there people you can talk to who truly understand.
People don't understand that postpartum depression and anxiety are not like the flu. They think it's like taking antibiotics where you're over whatever was ailing you after 2 weeks or so. That's just not true. It took me a year before I could even begin to see that some day I'd get back to the old me. There is no set timeline for recovery from postpartum depression. The goal is to stay in contact with your doctor to make sure that whatever treatment plan you are following is having the intended effect.
In my case, and I assume many others, pregnancy is the trigger for a genetic predisposition to depression and anxiety.
My psychiatrist just shrugged her shoulders when I developed PPD and said with my familly history it was likely to happen at some point and that I would most likely be medicated for the rest of my life.
I was NOT impressed with her at the time. But nine years later, it looks like she knew what she was talking about -- even if she didn't have the bedside manner to deliver the news appropriately.
Telling others about what not to say is a great way to give the public useful advice on how to support those who might be facing PPD or something similar! Thank you for sharing this post here!
I experienced antenatal and post-partum depression. With my first child, I felt like I was completely alone and I had very little support. I will never know for sure, but I felt like my mother-in-law and husband (at the time) never came to understand what I was dealing with and I believe this had a lot to do with the loss of my marriage, as the depression continued and the relationship continued to unravel.
We need to continue telling others what they can do to help and creating awareness about the reality of PPD. This article is a great way to do that!
I've never seen you being depressed. Are you sure you really have that?
Yes, people, I HID it the best I could. I got that comment once and I had to fight inside not to doubt what I really knew. This was unlike any other type of sadness or frustration I'd ever experienced before. This was hell, and yeah, it really happened.
As if moms with PPD should all look a certain way ...
Great info - thanks for sharing!
This is so great, Katherine! I think it's great that NBC is covering PPD and that they are featuring you! PPD is so real and so misunderstood! I heard a LOT of this crap too...still do, unfortunately. I am so SO glad that PPD is getting more publicity...it needs to be out there so more people can understand and more women who are struggling can get help!!!
I'm in the middle of PPD right now and this list is fabulous. I seem to get "well its hard but not THAT hard - pull yourself together" or comments about laziness and needing a schedule. I wish everyone understood more that women suffering with Post Partum Mood Disorders don't WANT to feel the way they do. I wish every single day I didn't have it and I could just be the mom I want to be.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!! I wish I had this list to hand out to family and friends a couple of years ago! I am so glad that this list is out there now for other families that are going through any type of PPD!!! I can' t say thank you enough for all the advocates and survivors out there that are making a difference in getting PPD recognized !!!
The first three things listed...oh yeah. "Get yourself a manicure and hair cut." And the ever-popular "suck it up" or "snap out of it." (insert snapping fingers) Gosh, why didn't I think of that!! Just <snap snap!!> out of it. Oh that's right. Because it didn't work. Some of the worst offenders can be our own family members. And then there are those who write things claiming PPD can be prevented; a little exercise and some vitamins. Seriously??
What could you say to a mom who has just told you she has PPD? (let's add ideas)
I didn't have that--what is that like for you? Help me understand.
What can I do to help?
Can I come over and [insert household or childcare task] so you can [nap, shower, read etc.]?
Great list, Katherine!
Sympathy and empathy are wonderful to behold. However, if every proven suggestion is swatted away like flies, when they are honeybees is just plain negativity. The human body is a finely tuned and awesome creation. Today we can choose to enhance the body and brains ability to cope and excel, by studying balanced diet and the value of supplements, realizing that those walks in the sun give us vitamin D, known absolutely necessary to prevent and cope with depression and the lack of which is directly associated with "winter blues" which HAVE LED TO SUICIDE.
All people are certainly created UNIQUE. Genetic tendencies toward anything resembling mental coping have forever been air-brushed, sheltered, ignored and scorned. If grandpa or grandma "were crazy", one should wonder about all of us. Instead of studying the layering of reasons and circumstances piled upon a particully emotional or fragile person, everyone ignores them. MOSTLY because they refuse to believe they will ever "display" anything other then acceptable normal.
Sadly, modern medicine is handed out like candy, because EVERYBODY demands that no one be TOO happy, TOO sad, TOO noisy or TOO quiet, TOO caring or require any attention at all.
So remember that each is unique as they prepare and plan for pregnancy. If we go there in less than optimal health, pile on all the drain, strain and changes, each woman suffering an individual and different labor experience, birthing another unique bundle and accepting this lifetime devotional to someone other than ourself..... there is no greater task, job, career or burden..... but too, there is no greater loving devotion than this mother/child creative experience.
Feeling a bit good about yourself when you look in the mirror, DOES make you feel
better about yourself, even on all the days of our lives when it just ain't SO.
IT IS NEVER JUST ONE THING, but your special recipe soup. It is great to know we aren't alone, and yet with so many small measures to address... don't just sit their stewing, because as you learn to balance meals and stroller walks for your baby, you WILL be taking care of ... finally learning to mother yourself!
And crying is a necessary component of our existance. Being annointed by tears is far more a blessing than one could ever hope to be sprinkled with ANYWHERE IN ALL THIS WORLD.
lOVE surrounds you...
Katherine Stone is such a champion for this cause. You should feature her posts more often. She helps SO many. I'm one of her biggest fans. Thank you for posting this.
I had no problems with PPD after my first child, but I did after my second. Maybe it's because of all the attention and teaching being done with new mothers, but I never experienced any other the remakes the article has. I found for the people were understanding, my family and my husband were always there for me and never judged. I am very sorry for anyone who's had to put up with some one saying such things. Please remember that anyone who says something like that is clearly uneducated and is not worth your time. Good luck to all.
numbers 12, 17, and 21. I heard those. If I could have turned it off with a switch, dont you think i would have? A long bath wasnt gonna cure that problem! Thank goodness for women like Katherine who have devoted themselves to getting the word out on this issue. Women need to know they are not ALONE. she has saved lives :)
Such a great article. Thank you for informing the public about PPD and how to be sensitive to the women that have it!! Two I could add: "really??? you're overwhelmed??" like I was the only first time mom to ever feel overwhelmed. And when crying... "tears of joy I hope!!" Um wrong, again.. *sigh*
Thank you Today Moms! This is such an important topic to inform the public about, especially new mothers who may have no idea that the pain they are going through is treatable and temporary! It is so refreshing to see major websites publishing high-quality material like this that pushes an important issue such as PPD to the forefront, where it belongs.
Kudos to Today Moms and to Katherine for being such a light in the dark.
thank you so much for sharing this awesome article! Katherine does a fabulous job educating the public & support moms struggling with perinatal mood disorders on her blog and in the social media world! Thanks from a mom who really needed it!
How about "stop crying for attention, your baby needs the attention, not you", "all babies make your breasts bleed when breastfeeding, toughen up, it's not all about you" , "have you put on/lost weight? do you have an eating disorder?", or "wow, you're so moody, maybe you should have someone else watch the baby, we don't want you turning into Susan Smith...yea, um, maybe we should get CPS involved to evaluate whether you're fit to be a mother, and you should see a shrink while you're at it, you're obviously crazy if you're not willing to be all lovey dovey with your child, as she is a blessing" or "PPD doesn't exist, it's all a myth, don't you remember what Tom Cruise said?"
I will never see Tom Cruise in a movie again after the @!$%#ty comments he made to Brooke Shields................
He apologized to her, and was forgiven.
He should have apologized to all of us who have walked thru the fire, and barely escaped with our sanity!
I had a terrible pregnancy and I almost died when my son was born (I hemmoraged, and he was born not breathing, the last thing I remember hearing before I lost consciousness was "breathe baby, come on, you need to breathe!"), and I'm also bi-polar, so this was a recipe for disaster; and we, unfortunately didn't have a plan in place before his birth. (I had a "steal magnolias" moment and just thought I would be fine because I wanted to be a mom so desperately). My doctor was old school, and told me to let my blood count come back up naturally. He said I would feel awful for several months and asked if I had anyone who would be able to help me. I said, of course. I have a huge family and my husband is very supportive.
Well, my husband was forced to go back to work 2 days after I got out of the hospital (or he would have gotten fired), and my huge and helpful family handled the trauma by pretending it didn't happen. I was alone, horribly sick, horribly depressed, and extremely anxious. I had to crawl from room to room dragging my son on a blanket because I didn't have the strength to carry him, I was afraid I would pass out and drop him.
After two weeks I went on an anti anxiety med which forced me to stop breast feeding. I had to pump and then throw the milk down the drain. This was very very sad for me.My husband didn't know what to do with me or for me. It was bad.
I wound up with complex post traumatic stress disorder. My bi-polar ramped up to full steam. I was already dealing with this illness before I got pregnant, but had been in remission for 3 years.
My son is 9 now, and I'm still dealing with the ramifications of my ppd and my feelings of abandonment. I remember very little about my sons infancy. This is the only birth experience I will ever have, and he is the only infant I will ever call mine. Motherhood was my dream, and it wound up being a nightmare. My son is perfect and I love him, but these have not been happy years for me.
This is obviously a very extreme case, but it highlights the fact that people can be very selfish and cruel when they feel uncomfortable with a situation. Everyone wanted me to "suck it up and enjoy my baby", and no one wanted to talk about or deal with the fact that I almost died. They were all too busy to get involved, but not to busy to talk about me, and give me "advice".
If someone you care about is going to have a baby, take the time to learn about ppd, so you can help if they need it; and if you are pregnant, learn about it as well so you can spot the signs and know if you need help. Make sure your partner knows the signs too, so he or she doesn't think you are just "moody". It is so important to know what can happen, and what to do about it if it does, especially if you already have any mental health issues.
I hope what happens to me never happens to another mother. No one deserves the experience I had.
Thank you NBC for allowing Katherine to use this platform to talk about PPD. The more we can educate people about PPD the more women and families we can help. No women should suffer with this illness in silence. I commend Katherine for her continuing drive to help all women and families. She is an inspriation to so many including myself.
Kudos to you TODAY for bringing attention to PPD/A and other PMDs. There NEEDS to be more positive press surrounding this illness. Thank you, truly.
And Katherine, as always, thank you for everything you do for our community. Thank you for being a champion for this cause. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you NBC for allowing Katherine to use this platform to help educate women and their families about PPD. The more we talk about it, the less women will have to suffer in silence. I commend Katherine for her continuing drive to help educate and suppport women. She truly is an inspiration. She has helped to give me hope, comfort, support, and encouragement to keep fighting this horrific illness, through the pages on her blog. I will forever be thankful.
I heard a few of these "helpful" comments just after my pregnancy. Many from my own mother. It was so incredibly difficult to not have her support during such a trying time in my life. Luckily, my husband stood by me and with his support I was able to confront my feelings and see a doctor. From there, I was able to reach out and share my story. It was only then that I learned that some of my closest friends were dealing with PPD as well--but no one was talking about it. They--*we*--were suffering alone in silence for fear that people would think we were crazy, weak, sick, incompetent, unfit, lazy, not trying hard enough...
Thank you, Katherine for speaking up for us--those of us who suffered, are suffering or may someday suffer from PPD/A and other PMDs.
Thank you NBC for allowing Katherine to use this platform to help educate women and their families about PPD. The more we talk about it publicly and positively in the press, the less women will have to suffer this horrific illness in silence.
I commend Katherine for her continuing drive to educate and support women in their fight with PPD. She has given me encouragement, support, and strength to keep fighting this illness through the pages on her blog. Most of all she gave me hope that I too could overcome this illness. For that, I am forever grateful. She is truly an inspiration.
Thank you NBC for allowing Katherine to use this platform to help educate women and their families about PPD. The more we talk about it publicly and positively in the press, the less women will have to suffer this horrific illness in silence.
I commend Katherine for her continuing drive to educate and support women in their fight with PPD. She has given me encouragement, support, and strength to keep fighting this illness through the pages on her blog. Most of all she gave me hope that I too could overcome this illness. For that, I am forever grateful. She is truly an inspiration.
Thanks for this! The world is so ready to hear more about postpartum mood disorders. I know because I've had a few of the above things said to me. People definitely need to be educated and Katherine has done a great job here! :)