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Though considered the one day in a whole year when you’re allowed – if not actively encouraged — to try on a different identity, why even on Halloween are certain gender roles still so rigidly enforced? Sure, it’s perfectly acceptable for little girls to dress up like pirates, but just watch the reactions when a little boy confesses his plan to be a princess for Halloween. It’s not as uncommon as you might think.
The Chicago Tribune ran a story this week by Julie Deardorff, who wrote about her 3-year-old son’s love of princesses. In every other aspect, her son adheres to conventional little boy norms – he wears a tool belt, is fascinated by construction machinery, plays with trains, etc. But this little boy also harbors a prevailing fondness for princesses. When he asserts his plan to dress as one for Halloween, Deardorff and her husband privately reach out to neuroscientist Lise Eliot to get her take on the situation. Eliot, in turn, advises the parents to acquiesce and not worry too much about it. In the end, Deardorff’s son ends up recanting, concerned about how he’ll be viewed and judged by his preschool peers. It’s a sad lesson that speaks to a larger question. Why is our culture as a whole so uncomfortable with defying stereotypes?
Again, Deardorff’s story is by no means a unique one. In recent weeks, TODAY Moms has posted stories about a 6-year-old boy who wanted to get his ears pierced, Dyson Kilodavis, the “Princess Boy,” and another little boy’s fixation with Snow White. Parents, have you ever had to address a similar situation? Has your child ever expressed a desire to deviate from what is popularly perceived as “normal”? How did you react? Share your stories in the comment section.
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My boy's favorite animated character for years was a girl, Raven, from Teen Titans. It was no surprise that he wanted to dress up as her for Halloween, when it rolled around. Though not as easily picked apart by peers as a princess costume, his Raven costume did get a lot of questions, and since he had not received any indication from his parents that it was out of the ordinary, he responded to the questions as they were intended - just questions.
I think it's really difficult not to put our own anxiety onto our children. They pick it up in a flash and then validate our fear that THERE IS SOMETHING TO FEAR. Most of the time, if we can just relax and let them work out their own social norms and cues, they're better off.
I just hope if he wants to dress up as a princess this year he doesn't wear blue eyeshadow. It would NOT pick up the hue of his eyes in a flattering way. But that's off-topic.
Too many parents go off the deep end when their little boy wants to dress as a princess or other typically perceived as a female costumed character. Sad really, because that creativity only exists for such a short time in their young lives.
I say encourage it, it will bring much joy to both the child and parent who see's it 'as it is' instead of what's perceived by others to be out of the norm.
Besides, the joy of showing those pictures to their future bride more than make up for it.
When my son was little he loved Jesse from Toy Story. He dressed up equal time as Buzz, Woody and yes Jesse, wig and all. When people would say to me "she is so cute" I was just smile and say "yes". He is 13 now and all fabulous boy. I say what we resist persists and if we don't let our children express themselves, it will come out somehow, somewhere.
Funny, I recall as a boy dressing up in my mom's heels and clothes. Why because it was funny. The idea of a boy dressing up a s a girl I found hilarious.
It never occurred to me that I wanted to be a girl, just wanted to mimic her for laughs.
Well, I'm an adult heterosexual male. Never crossed dressed in my life and have no desire to do so.
Let kids be kids. They have this period of time in their lives for just so many years, then it's gone. Let them have fun.
I'd have to completely agree with your last segment there, im 19 and i know i already wish i could go back and just be a kid again. Very good point.
You should be grateful your son is embracing the feminine. It says a great deal about his love and respect for the opposite gender.
Why? Because it's the definition of not cool for a guy to pretend he's a girl, and a princess is the worst. It's that simple.
I'm all for gender differences, but despite gains made in male-female equality, maleness is still seen as being "superior". Boys who "throw a ball like a girl", "cry like a girl", etc. are bullied or ridiculed. Girls who "throw a ball like a boy" or "remain calm under stress" are admired. Men who wear anything even remotely looking like women's clothing, "aren't men", because they essentially "lower" themselves by doing so. Girls and women who wear men's clothing are often called "cute", "funny" and "adorable". Double standards sometimes work in favor of women as well, and most women say nothing about these inequities, even though doing so would promote gender equality overall. In our workplace, men can't wear shorts of any kind because they are "unprofessional". Women can wear "dressy Burmuda shorts", coulottes, and Capri pants, all of which have two legs and end at the knee. And trousers of course.
Because they are boys that is why. Geezzz. If you read the news you will know that bullying is on the rise. And then you want them to dress as girls too? Are you really that stupid?
Yes, bullying is on the rise. Instead of enforcing rigid stereotypes on CHILDREN, we should be teaching tolerance. Children at that age aren't thinking about the social implications of dressing in a different gender's clothing. They just know that they want to, and they should be allowed to express themselves without shame. As parents, you should protect them and encourage them, not shame them.
It's sad that I have to point out that phrases like "Are you really that stupid?" are acts of bullying unto themselves.
The whole point of the recent anti-bullying activism is not to make sure we do everything to prevent ourselves from looking different to avoid being bullied. The point is to avoid bullying those who look different.
This is exactly the opposite message from the one you have just put forth here.
This is just ridiculous. The problem is not one kid dressing up as a princess because it's funny but, when you take everything together, how androgyneous America has become. There is no difference between men and women in America anymore: same haircuts, same old GAP sweatshirts, old jeans, old sneakers, and fanny packs. Women even speak in the same assertive voices and possess zero femininity. And normal men love feminine women. When you get outside the country and go to some "less developed" places you realize that - thank God - there are still places where the differences between men and women are stark.
damn straight--women need to go back to what made them great: feminine haircuts, cooking skills, and submitting to men! None of this "assertive" bullcrap.
"When you get outside the country and go to some "less developed" places you realize that - thank God - there are still places where the differences between men and women are stark."
You mean places like Afghanistan? Iran? Places like that?
just a story. i dressed as a woman around age 8. for a party at local church. about half way threw my mother had to tell me little girls do not sit on bleachers(in a dress) with their legs spread apart. have a great day
What? Where do you live, in the mid-90s? Who wears fanny packs or GAP sweatshirts? Most "less developed" countries with "stark differences" between men and women treat women as second-class citizens. "Normal men love feminine women." I think "normal" people fall in love with those who are not afraid to be themselves, regardless of how "femininely" or "masculinely" they may present themselves.
Why can't women quit wearing makeup?
My wife does not wear makeup. She has a natural beauty. The only reason she wore lipstick was the fact that her near sighted boss could not see her smile and she was suppose to smile for costumers at her job. Most women only wear make up to hide imperfections.
All women have a natural beauty. They wear makeup because they've been convinced otherwise, not because they really need to cover up some deficiency. I've seen nuns who radiated incredible beauty, and carefully made up women who resembled clowns. Male or female, it all comes from inside, and what we wear in the long run will not change (or improve) that.
Randy ~ REALLY it's not cool to be a girl? So you think being a female is degrading to a man? Are you misogynistic?
I said for a guy to be a girl. Learn to read.
Oh, please, this constant, female centric, male bashing, feminization of American males has gone quite far enough. The more important question is WHY do grown women view themselves as 'princesses'? It is the most ridiculous fantasy that any human being can have and still claim 'gender equality'. Women are not princesses, they are not royalty, and they are not any better than males, in spite of their collective, sexist demands. No wonder space aliens HOVER and do NOT land on this planet. No intelligent life on this rock.
It would appear that you're one of those unintelligent people driving away said aliens. They are referring to Disney princesses, oh great bright one, not adult women calling themselves princesses.
The other discussion could be why don't our boys have enough media-driven role models to emulate? When was the last time Disney (or any other movie company) did a movie with a strong boy character that was then marketed ad naseum as Disney does w/ their Princess line? Jack Sparrow does not count! There's no Fess Parker/Daniel Boone whose coonskin caps every boy wanted to wear or GI Joe as a hero; soldiers are now seen as evil. Even the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers have been banished as too violent and inappropriate.
Granted there was How to Train Your Dragon w/ Hiccup but there is no mass marketing of him as a Halloween option. Admit it - go to a store w/ Disney products and it is as pink as the Barbie aisle at TRUS. They do not have a single male/boy character that is visible as a boy. Even their partnership w/ PIXAR has missed w/ the lead male character choices being a fish and a car - who wants to dress up like those?
Someone needs to come out w/ a line of strong male characters - knights, kings or similar - market them until we want to puke blue and then see if our boys stand in line to be them as my 19 yr. old did when he was a turtle - Leonardo to be exact.
Aladdin is the last one that comes to mind for me, but the genie took the spotlight in that movie. Other than that, pretty much heroine/female lead characters.
Buzz Lightyear
My 4 1/2 year old son just started asking to wear lipstick. At first I resisted, but I relented when he kept asking days later. It's a serious desire for him, as a 4 year old, if he can remember it days later and ask for it. It's been quite hard to let my son wear lipstick because I know how cruel society can be. But at the same time, I want my son to feel like he can be HIMSELF in our house. We don't want to squash his spirit. I don't want this to come out in dysfunctional ways much later on down the road.
When we, as humans, try to suppress strong desires within ourselves, they end up just coming out but in more perverse ways, like the "celibate" priests who molest children, or the Canadian Commander Russell Williams who became a serial killer who collected female undergarments, or Utah being the biggest consumer of online adult entertainment out of the USA.
When I emailed my son's (conservative) preschool teacher about this, in hopes to find some information about this and some acceptance in his school environment should my son choose to wear lipstick there, her response was to suggest that we limit his lipstick useage to be at home and for me as a parent to give specific rules on his lipstick useage. She went on to say "unfortunately, so much of our culture is trying to blur lines between male and female."
Because of that, I'm considering moving my son to a more accepting preschool.
I'm sorry, but you need to be a good parent, and not just allow your 4 year old son to do whatever he wants. It is not right for a 4 year old boy to wear lipstick. Allowing him to do so will result in nothing but negative consequences for him, and I'm sure thats not what you want for your son.
Don't listen to Brian. There's nothing wrong with a 4 year old boy wearing lipstick.
4-year-olds do all kinds of sill things that they'll grow out of.
Lipstick is fun and colorful, and it's like a crayon that you can draw on your face with. What 4-year-old wouldn't like that?
Part of being a parent is setting boundaries for your children to protect them. If a boy wears lipstick to school, he will be abused, that is a fact. I, as a parent, would want to avoid that experience for a young child.
I was bullied in school because I wore a tie. If it isn't lipstick, it's something else.
Seriously, Brian, that's ridiculous. You're not protecting your child by refusing to let him wear lipstick, you're teaching him to be ashamed of anything that makes him different. You can't protect children all the time. They need to have the room to grow and learn and stand up for themselves.
My son used to like to dress up in princess dresses (like his big sister) and play basketball (go figure!), when he was under 3. But his interest in dressing up moved on to dressing up like his favorite animals (frogs and snakes and such). Seems like a totally normal stage to me. He never asked to dress as a princess after age 3 and he only dressed up at home. For Halloween he always wanted to be some kind of animal (he's a frog this year).
But as to the lipstick: I don't think you'd be squashing his spirit if you limit his lipstick usage to home. I would not let my little girl wear lipstick or nail polish out of the house because I explained to her that small children should not wear make up. And I wouldn't let her wear any make up to preschool either. It doesn't have to be a gender thing, just an age thing. By the time he's old enough (16!?), he won't be interested in it anymore! : ) But the comment by his preschool teacher seems to reveal some major biases.
My son, at the age of 10 years old, announced he wanted to dress as a 'drag queen'. Being liberal minded and a single parent, I was determined that no matter what my son's sexual preference would be as an adult, I would stand by and love him unconditionally and always provide him the support that too many adults lack in life. So, we pulled out the dress (an old 50's style cocktail dress), pulled a blonde Dolly Parton style wig from our costume trunk, purchased the fishnet stockings, the press on nails, etc. His older sister did his makeup and he looked quite stunning. I never questioned his motives however, I learned a couple of weeks later that perhaps, I should have asked a few questions to understand this desire. He came home from school, stunned - he learned what a drag queen really was (I thought he knew) and he informed me he had thought a drag queen was a man who dressed like a woman and stole cars (this thought came from a movie at the time)! Thank goodness we have some pictures from that Halloween party because I doubt anyone would believe it without the pictures!
He's an adult now, heterosexual and incredibly balanced - perhaps because he knew he could be anything as an adult and loved regardless.
When my son was three, I asked him which of two outfits he wanted to wear to nursery school. With a gleam in his eye, he announced that he was going to wear one of my dresses instead. I sighed and responded, "Dear, can we postpone this conversation for about ten years?" I found his choice amusing and knew that he and his male friends often played dress up at school (something his teachers didn't tell all of the fathers because some of them would freak out). It's perfectly natural for kids to role play. In Shakespeare's day, men played all of the female roles.
I'm a little concerned that this article sort of portrays the problem as if it's somehow discriminatory against boys to not let them wear princess costumes. It's not. The problem here is that society views women as inferior, so that's why it's out of the question for males to dress up like females. Sure, it's fine for a little girl to put on a boy's costume, because she's only dressing "up" and there's nothing embarrassing about that. But for a boy to put on a girl's costume? Well, he's just debasing himself.
I don't personally believe that, of course, but this is really an issue of discrimination against women and their traditional roles.
When my twin sons were four years old Lion King was the movie of the year. They loved that movie and in fact one of them still does. He took his DVD of it to college with him. He even has a Hakuna Matata tattoo. He says "no worries" is his philosophy on life. On Halloween that year one twin wanted to be Simba. His brother wanted a Nala costume. Okay, so no big deal. They identified with different characters in the movie. The pictures from that Halloween are wonderful. That same year their sister, who was 5 years old, wanted to dress up like Peter Pan. The year before that she dressed up as a Pirate. The year she was six she dressed up as a princess. Halloween is all about make believe.
As the mother of four sons and one daughter I do question why a parent would even think about letting your four year old wear lipstick to preschool. Four is too young to be wearing makeup. I wouldn't let my sons wear it but I wouldn't let my daughter wear it out in public either. Make up isn't meant for little kids except for play. Let your kid be a kid but set boundaries.
Glad to hear your kids grew up to be well rounded people, and you let your children have costumes of the opposite gender for Halloween. It sounds like you're an excellent mom who has 5 lucky kids.
I'm the mom that you're questioning about letting a 4 year old wear lipstick. I'm not sure if my initial above post was very clear to some of the posters here. So I thought I'd mention that I have NOT at this point let him go to school with lipstick on. I DO set boundaries, especially when it comes to how my children treat other people, and their level of compassion they have towards others.
As far as letting my 4 year old boy wear lipstick AT HOME, if this child were a girl, lipstick would not be allowed. A girl would have the option to wear lipstick later on down the road in a socially acceptable manner. A boy would not ever have the opportunity to wear lipstick in a socially acceptable manner. In addition, my 4 year old boy clearly has a strong desire to express himself in this fashion. He also is asking for a wig to feel like he has long hair, and wants us to tell him that he looks like a pretty GIRL. If it were any other child asking for lipstick, I would probably not allow it. But clearly my child has something to work out within himself. Like I said earlier, the possible ramifications of me shaming him for wanting to wear lipstick could be him expressing these desires in dysfunctional ways much, much later on down the road. I want my son to know that he is loved UNCONDITIONALLY. I want my child to know he is accepted. So unfortunately, as much as it's not easy for me as a mom, I let him wear lipstick at home.
And while I have NOT sent my child to school with lipstick on, I also don't feel overly fond of a preschool that would frown upon a small child wanting to express himself in that fashion. (That's a whole other subject though)
I agree with you 100% and think you're doing a great job. You're son is a very lucky boy. Rock on sister!
KathleenF- it seems to me that you're a great mom and by allowing your children to express themselves they are going to grow up to be confident and well- rounded adults. i just hope your unconditional love continues when he grows up and perhaps decides he's gay or would feel more comfortable living life as a woman. knowing from experience a parents unconditional love sometimes stops when they fear what their friends may think.
When I was in high school, the football team had what they called a powderpuff game. The cheerleaders dressed as football players and played the game, while the football players dressed as cheerleaders and cheered them on. Those guys went all out for their cheerleading costumes and most of them looked pretty good. They didn't consider it to be inappropriate or degrading. They thought it was funny. I don't think it is inappropriate for a boy to wear a girl's costume for halloween if that's what they want.
I said for a guy. Duh. Learn to read.
My 4 yr. old son becomes fixated on the princess dresses at ToysRUs and I totally get it. They're sparkly, shiny, pretty and appeal to children in general, it's what catches their eye. When he was 3, he wanted a Dora doll and I bought it for him and he carried it everywhere. When one man commented about why he was carrying a "girl doll" I commented that it was because he likes girls. BUT He has never wanted to dress up as a princess; he'd rather be a pirate, lion or anything from Toy Story. If he did want to be a princess though, I would really want him to be but would probably distract him with something else because I would be more worried about him getting hurt when other kids made fun of him. There was a woman who worked at his daycare who would not let the boys color with pink crayons. Because of that, he always wanted to color only with pink while doing it at home. I just wonder if she didn't withhold the color pink from him, would he have been so interested in it. Probably not because once he used it for a while he became bored with it. I think we should indulge our preschool boys early on, using our judgment of course, they should have an opportunity to experience these things while they're young enough to get away with it..or get it out of their system...or find out more about themselves.