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Defrosting turkey? Check.
Got the nice tablecloth out? Check.
Mentally prepared yourself for the psychological minefield that is your family Thanksgiving? Uh-oh...
We love our families. We're thankful for them. But boy, do they know how to push our buttons. And even though we have kids of our own now, all it takes it one pointed comment from a relative to spark a full-on regression to age 13. Psychiatrist Gail Saltz visited TODAY recently to offer some advice on keeping your sanity during the holidays. Her top tips:
-Prepare some cool one-liners.
"You know your sister is coming and she's going to say, Gee you look like you gained a little weight this year,' Dr. Saltz told TODAY's Tamron Hall. "Come up with some lines that you can have that don't strike back, are not attacking, but where you set a limit. 'You know what, I don't really want to talk about that right now, but let's set the table.'
(This is akin to the "pass the bean dip" line of defense, which goes like this: Relative makes rude/unsolicited/inappropriate comment about your child-raising practices; you smile and say "Hmmm, that's interesting. Please pass the bean dip.")
-Don't take on too much. (Even if you're the only one who does it "right" -- delegate and let go of perfection.)
-Don't put yourself last -- get enough sleep and eat healthy when you can.
-Hotel reservations! Encourage would-be houseguests to make them.
-Don't idealize past holidays. As Tamron Hall put it, "Think Chevy Chase holidays, not the Waltons."
What are your best family holiday survival tips? Share in the comments!
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I have a sister who comments on everyone's weight every year and also about how they are eating too much. One year I told her that her ass looked wider and was she wearing a larger jean size. She never said a word again about anyone else's weight or the contents of their plate.
My sister and I went to a big family event to be greeted by my 90 year old aunt with a loud "Is that Kathy? It looks like Kathy, but she's so FAT I'm not sure. Kathy, you need to go on a diet and take your sister (me) with you." She's not speaking to my aunt (now 95), but I thought it was hilarious. I think Kathy needs to lighten up.
I guess that would be the aggressive approach! But it sounds like it worked, so good for you! I haaaate when people comment on how much I'm eating, even if they don't mean anything by it.
I find the best way to handle your family on holidays is to avoid them and spend the holiday in a cozy chair in a warm room with a good book, a cup of hot cocoa and a deluxe TV dinner. It is so much less stressful.
Good idea, but they always seem to find you!
I think a good stiff drink before meeting relatives does it everytime.
Unless, like me, you're one of those people who says what they are really thinking when they have had a drink or two;)
I am dreading it.
Fond memories of my sister ripping my step-dad and sister-in-laws ass because they dared to try and stop her and her fat son from stripping the turkey of its golden skin...because you know thanksgiving is all about her...now she celebrates the holidays alone...
fond memories of my sister ripping my step-dad and sister-in-law ass because they dared to try and stop her and her son from stripping the turkey of its golden skin..that my mother cooked at her house...
because you know thanksgiving was all about her...now she celebrates
the holidays all by her self...ditto on the drink
A good stif drink is a very good idea femail vet 43! I also smile to beat the band, and zone out and think about anything other than what I'm dealing with. Doing that for 40 yrs., it works!!!
The stiff drink and tuning out are great ideas. Needed that three years ago when the blowup occurred. Still bought Christmas cards though. Wasn't aware that Hallmark doesn't have a "dysfunctional family" section. Haven't shared this holiday with them since. Much happier.
Should have used the "stiff drink and a smile" technique three years ago. Still sent Christmas cards to the "family" even after going to Hallmark and discovering that they don't have a "dysfunctional family" section. Haven't shared the holiday with them since. Much happier.
My husband and I make reservations...for just the two of us. Thanksgiving is OUR time to enjoy each other. This helps us build our defenses for Christmas when we have his family over for dinner on Christmas day, and also for the large gathering we host every year for my family. Why must we be unhappy for the entire holiday season? There is no law that says you are required to spend every holiday traversing the war zone of family.
This is a great idea! I wish I could follow your lead! Maybe someday I'll get up the guts to spend Thanksgiving with just my husband and little girl.
I concur with the stiff drink solution. I will probably have two.
Usually we will have a meal at our house for Thanksgiving, and then visit my SIL's house later. This year we'll be having the meal there, and I'm not exactly looking forward to it. My saving grace? The drinks mentioned above, combined with well-timed texts and phone calls to/from other family members. All of my family is out of state, so when I feel a little pressure, I excuse myself to call "Aunt Molly" or "Uncle Jim". My in-laws don't know that these aunts and uncles don't exist, but outside on my cell phone (with whichever friend is filling me in on THEIR holiday woes) is better than inside the war zone! lol
Sooo lucky...Thanksgiving is my side of the family, not his. His side allows NO alcohol, but there are plenty of arguments about politics and religion. My side generally mellows out with a cocktail & wine with dinner. My favorite holiday!!
We have to do both sides...my side mellows with the alcohol and has a great fun time. His side is NO Alcohol and is very strict, old fashioned and traditional. No one ever even laughs. I wish I could host...then it would be done my way!
My sister always insists on having the holidays at her house. She makes it an all day thing that includes brunch and a late lunch. It's incredibly stressful because she's always exhausted (she won't let anyone bring anything more than a salad or wine) and in a terrible mood (she has our mother's temper and martyr attitude). This year I told her that I already had plans for brunch but would love to join them for dinner. I shouldn't have to be there for more than a couple of hours. We'll eat and I'll help clear the table, then I'm out of there! I also volunteered to provide the wine (probably will bring about 4 bottles, at least).
I will not be having Thanksgiving with my family this year. Instead, since I love to cook, I am preparing Thanksgiving dinner to deliver to 5 people in my community who don't have anyone to spend the holiday with - no arguments, no hassles. During the Christmas holiday, I plan to visit relatives, in another state, who I really get along with.
I love my family, but need a "time-out", since they can really be unbearable sometimes - maybe next year...
Sometimes I think we get too caught up in the family drama that we forget why we're getting together with our families in the first place! I always find a good strategy when family members ask inappropriate questions or make unsolicited comments is to politely brush them off, but then take a step back and think to myself, I'm awfully lucky to have this family with whom I can share this wonderful holiday. We have a warm, comfortable table full of lots of food and even though we have our differences, there is a lot of love in the room. No one is perfect and complaining about our family drama is easy. If it's too much, spend the holidays alone! But also imagine how you'd feel if the option of spending holidays with your family was no longer available...might make answering those questions about when you're going to get married/have kids/lose 20 pounds just that much more tolerable.
How sad! I love being with my family, we definitely have our differences, but, we get over them...besidees it give us fresh fodder for the rest of the year to talk about and laugh about!
Same here! I'm glad I don't have that many "unbearable" or "awful" family members. Nor do I have many that I have to "suck it up and deal with." Geez, how unfortunate to be in those situations ...
Anyway, we just all avoid the two (sisters) who drive everyone batty and have a great time.
ive realized that you dont have to 'love' your siblings, but sometimes you have to suck it up and suffer. i go to the family feast for my mom. but i most often arrange to work on holidays. mom understands, and even moved tgiving dinner up to 1pm so i dont walk out in the middle of it. i work deep nights and bout two pm right after dinner, i get to say, its bed time and i escape from my older sisters constant one upmanship over anything anyone says and i dont get to have to listen any longer to my younger sister whining bout how bad her latest husband treats her. and i get double time and a half for holiday pay. win win for me.
happy holy daze
aunty
Having a couple of drinks is the only thing that gets me through the whole mess.
His side is racist and bigoted and the polar opposite of my husband's and my religion and politics and they can't resist throwing around insults. We don't buy into their nastiness but it's near unbearable just the same.
My side is overly critical and very irrational. Lots of conspiracy-theory anti-government talk. I'm so tired of hearing it.
Wish the guilt didn't keep me from staying home.
geez...sounds like my family. I know exactly how you feel. I wish one year my husband and I could just spend the holidays with our friends...or go away somewhere. Ahhhh to dream...................
This year, I am thankful that it is just us and some good friends.
For those big family gatherings at my house, I have the following rules:
1. Good wine. Never overestimate the value of a good bottle of Pinot Noir.
2. Prozac. Marvelous for allowing you to let things roll off your back.
3. Don't take it personally. Your sister's comments on your child-rearing, the size of your butt and your Pillsbury pie crust are HER issues, not yours. You aren't going to fix it, and fighting about it is just going to add fuel to the fire. I either ignore it all together, or, if is is persistent, I say things like, "I appreciate your concern about Johnny, how did you handle it with Mikey?" or "I know I'm cutting corners, would you like to make the pie crust?" or "Yes, I'm having a few weight issues. What's your secret?" This deflects the conversation back to the person making the comment and off of you.
4. Let it go. My stepmother was always a complaint waiting to happen, and it took me years to get this right with her. I learned that I could live with her watery coffee, her bland cooking and whatever her complaint-du-jour was by putting her in charge and sitting back and letting her do things her way. If I really needed a good cup of coffee, I could put my own on later.
5. Send everybody else out shopping, sight-seeing, walking the dogs. Alone time is precious.
6. Don't be afraid to ask for help. And accept whatever happens, because it was one less thing YOU have to do. If your father-in-law folds the towels wrong, you can always refold them after he goes home. At least someone else folded the laundry!
7. Long soaks in the tub. Hot, scented water, a trashy novel, and a glass of wine are always restorative, while your father-in-law is doing the laundry and your husband takes the kids bowling.
8. Take out. Thanksgiving dinner is enough. Let your guests pick up Chinese, and pick up the tab, too.
My daughter and my sister-in-law's husband do not get along at all. Consequently, she no longer attends Thanksgiving at their house. My mother-in-law is the only one who does not know what's going on. My daughter always makes some believable excuse and my mother-in-law buys it. Peace is preserved.
Sounds like I must be one of the lucky ones! I generally get along and have an enjoyable time with my relatives on Thanksgiving. I love spending the evening with my family matter in fact.
We have two seperate get togethers for my family and my inlaws, with my inlaws usually being on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. We all get along pretty well also. My father in law can get on my nerves just as my mother in law can, but all and all it goes pretty smothly.
Move 1000 miles away. Worked for us. Seriously. My father in law used to join us before his health prohibited travelling, and the best thing was preparation ahead of time, saving enough to do in the kitchen to "escape" there, and not trying to be something you aren't. He can be a pain, but after a number of years, I've discovered he likes me for who I AM - not who he wishes I'd be.
Thank you so much to all of you for being so honest. I was feeling so down about myself because I finally realized that I don't like my family, always feel lousy after I interact with them, and thought it was my fault - like if I was a better, or more forgiving, or more tolerant person somehow I could create a warm, loving experience for them and myself. But it just isn't going to happen. So, I will have a glass or two of wine, shut up, zone out, and get through it. But I refuse to feel guilty about not being able to be the perfect daughter/sister they think they deserve yet I could never become.
Perfect is overrated!! Just be happy and let everyone else deal with their issues :)