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Subscribe to RSSThink parents have it easy in the workplace? Just the opposite, writes Dr. Wendy Walsh. Mothers get more scrutiny, and fewer breaks, than anyone at work – which is one reason we slam into the “maternal wall” way before we hit a glass ceiling. What do you think? Read the piece, and share your thoughts in the comments.
By Dr. Wendy Walsh
Dr. Wendy Walsh
I was twelve in 1975. A skinny rail with a big mouth. Barely out of Barbies and not yet fully into boys, I knew it was a big year. That's because it was International Women's Year. Swollen with pride for the accomplishments of women everywhere I romanticized the concept of a glass ceiling, suspecting that someday I might get a glimpse of one, but quite sure I would never be touched by it. Boy, was I right.
In her new book, Reshaping the Work-Family Debate: Why Men and Class Matter (Harvard University Press, 2010) Joan Williams describes a system where most women never even see a glass ceiling before they slam into the maternal wall. She charts the systemic discrimination against mothers in the American workplace, beginning with the vigilant supervision of the time clock and ending with so little support for the competing needs of family and work that many women are forced to choose one over the other.
Williams’ theory is that women only experience true equality when they are under thirty and childless. Williams, who is director of the Center for WorkLife Law at University of California, Hastings College of the Law, says that after that, women hit a maternal wall that is so hard to see because the media loves to suggest that mothers choose to "opt out."
I remember as a young, single child-free woman (I'm about to bust myself here) I could dash out for a quick manicure during work hours with a wink to a co-worker who would have my back. But today, should I want to leave work to attend my kid's Christmas pageant or a doctor's appointment, I would have to clear it through human resources. And as for a co-worker who might have my back? If she's childless, she is more likely to squeal on me. Williams also talks about how our male-ordered, 50's-style workplace shepherds women onto two competing teams -- the "tomboys" who may outsource motherhood and the "femmes" who want a better work-life balance.
And all this hurts men too. Today's workplace is perfectly suited to a family of the 1950's, with one bread-winner and one home-maker, except the economic scale has changed and when mothers don't work, men are forced to work longer hours than ever. Remember the days when Dad was home for dinner every night? When a single forty-hour work week could support an entire family? When weekends meant camping, barbecues and Church activities? No more. Today's fathers stumble in, weary eyed, near eight p.m. and stick close to their Blackberries all weekend. That's for the fortunate white-collar crowd. Blue-collar fathers take on two jobs, or practice grueling tag-team parenting with one parent working the night shift and the other the day shift.
Back in 1975, I was being raised by a sidelined feminist, a stay-at-home mother who wished she was in the game. She never burdened me with a Cinderella dream of a prince and a castle, but instead stuffed her unused ambition into my tiny head with words like "independence" and "...don't need a man." I don't consider myself a feminist in the vein of the early soldiers. I never thought I'd have to be one.
Until I became a mother.
I am an employee, a tax payer, and a homeowner. Yet, I have no doubt that my children are the real wealth of my life. I am a mother, before all else. Except for the few occasions where I am obligated to put my own oxygen mask on first, my kids’ needs come well before mine. Their happiness is my happiness. The problem with this is that when I find myself discriminated against precisely because I am a mother, I am told I made a personal choice and parenthood is a personal responsibility.
Really?
I say hogwash. Parenthood is a basic human right. Even if I lived hundreds of thousands of years ago, foraging on the Savannah, without the worries of a sub-prime loan, bad public education, and rising unemployment, a tribe of my people would be helping me to raise my children. But whenever I suggest that my tribe of today help me create the next good citizen and employee or entrepreneur, I am somehow deemed a socialist. This nutty conversation mostly morphes into a discussion of politics and liberalism verses conservatism. And this gets us nowhere.
Let's look at this a bit differently. I am a mother, but I am also a patriot in the land of the "free." So, why am I not free to pursue the most basic milestone of life -- reproduction? Is this right only afforded to me if I can find a rich man to underwrite it or if I make a vow of poverty? Why can't I choose to be a good parent and have support systems in place to help me stay a good employee and tax payer? Just asking.
Dr. Wendy Walsh has a private psychotherapy practice in Los Angeles, blogs at "Dating. Mating. Relating" and is a columnist for Pregnancy Magazine. As a psychological expert, she appears regularly on television. She is the author of “The Boyfriend Test” and “The Girlfriend Test.” She is a single mother of a multiracial family.
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HAHAHHA try being a single father lady. And who the heck do you work for that would not let you take time to go deal with your kids? I just say "I am doing ..., I will make up any work lost". Never had a problem. Now if your work is dependent upon your attendance, in other words you are a sales person and it requires that you meet clients, well then you have a problem don't you. In those cases it is the job and responsibilities of the job. How can you be a doctor if you are at your kids school? If however your work can be done at home, on the train, or you don't loose anything by being gone. Tell them that this is what you are doing. If they don't like it stop working for them. You support their ability to mess with you if you stay. There are other choices and options that can be worked out I am sure, but if you present as this is what I'm doing, what can they say? Its your responsibility to find something that works for you and your situation.
And of course young people with no kids are important as hell in the work place. There have to be workaholics, and go getters, etc.
Etothex - you are out of touch and missing the entire point of Dr. Walshs' article.
"I you don't like it stop working for them"?????Hello - there's a Recession out there - jobs are dangling from trees....and employers know this.
Hello!!! Bethany... I'm not missing any point and I'm not out of touch. If your job does not let you deal with your family then what is more important? Jobs come and go. Maybe its also a good time to get into something where the job market is better. No one stops you from changing jobs. I have not had any problem finding work thank you very much.
And just like anything else, if you put up with it and don't deal with it, it won't change.
What you're saying is fine if you're a waiter or work at the Car Wash ("jobs come and go"?????
High paying Sales Positions are very difficult to come by in this market.....and the Employers know this....so it's play by their rules or stay home with no pay cheque. Difficult decision for any parent who needs the income.
@bethany - OR be agile enough to change positions or to put yourself in a position where the job needs you. I have found that it is all a game. I put myself in a position where I have some control.
And I do none of those jobs you mentioned. I am in the tech field and the market is great. There is also a good job market in DC.
In other words if you live in Detroit, you are SOL, you would be better off moving.
That's a nice story Wendy. Just make sure when you say 'male ordered 50' s style workplace you get it right. You mean White Male 50's style dont you? Because I dont remember any people of color in the 50's holding anyone back. Except the ones with batons that were being whirled at many of them. A white woman with a baby is still better off with more priveleges than any person of color or ethnicity in the workplace.
Nice try though!
obliviously you are a man of color stop living in the past now in days it is easier for a man to get a job then a mom with kids...
As a 50-year old woman, childless by choice, I found the opposite to be true during my career. Women with children always expected me to cover for them while they took their kids to the doctor, ball game etc. I missed far less days from work than women with children so it was up to me to pick up the slack on days when the working Moms were out. I am compassionate to a lot of working Moms as I know it must be very difficult to work and raise a family. But I don't feel that childless women should constantly sacrifice for those who have children. I didn't remain childless to pick up some one else's burden.
And I could not disagree more with Dr. Welsh's statement that "Parenthood is a basic human right." All we have to do is look at all the children living in poverty, many to unwed mothers, child abuse rates, drop out rates, etc to see that many people are seriously lacking parental skills and no, I do not think they have a "basic right" to burden society.
Andrea:
In the many years before I had kids , I regularly took up slack from working parent colleagues and it never occured to me to whine about MY sacrifice. For heavens sake...if even this minimal amount amount of investment in the future generation is too much for you, try looking at it purely selfishly --where do you think the future doctors, airline pilots, lawyers, accountants are going to come from?
Andrea, I have been in your same situation since I started in an office job when I was 20, I am now 30 and childless as well. For all of my career I have picked up the slack for mom's in my departments. I've put in the late nights when the moms have to pick up the kids at daycare and the work is not done. I don't get to take the days off around the long holiday weekends that the office is open because the daycare or school is closed. We get to do all of our traveling on all the holiday because the Mom's get the days off because the kids or on school vacation.
I feel guilty to say no to coming in on saturday or working late because management knows that I don't have kids to take care of. "I just don't want to work this weekend or late tonight" really just doesn't cut it. Someone needs to get the work done.
I don't think mentioning our sacrifices is being selfish. We have family, friends and lives too. A "thank you for putting your life on hold while I can go tend to MY family" from those moms we cover for would be nice. Parenthood AND working are all choices we make. I think the old saying is, it takes a village to raise a child. Us young, single co workers that cover while you take care of your kids are part of that village too.
Dr. Walsh has nailed it again.
I remember working at Mediacom, and the women there were wait until the very last minute (before the belly buldged) to inform Management that she was expecting.
The minute they knew, it was referred to as 'being put on an ice flo'......they were immediately ommitted from meetings/cut out of Memos etc. but very noticeably 'sidelined'.
Then, although they were promised a job when they returned from Mat Leave - they were always given the 'dogs' of the territory - almost as a punishment for deciding to have a family. It was so hard to witness but really prevalent...and I don't think much has changed.
Write on!
Bethany
The treatment received probably has as much to do with the TYPE of profession and work being done. In the design profession , yes, egos are huge, but credit "usually' is given where credit is deserved.....and the hours are long and the work is demanding - but eventually the cream rises to the top. Andrea-2351936 has an excellent point - all too often 'the singles' were expected to cover for the moms. Fortunately, that expectation (at least in many offices) has fallen by the wayside.
I am a sahm of 2, my husband doesn't drag himself home from work bleary eyed, nor is he attached to his Black berry. He doesn't work two jobs either. He works one job 40 hours a week. We don't have a huge gas sucking "status symbol" SUV we don't live the the biggest house on the block and we don't go out to eat all the time. Its not about "can't" live off one income. Its about wont live off one income. I'm not downing those who have to work. I have a serious problem with those who whine about choosing to live like they have to work.
Well good for you. Not all of us WANT to stay at home. (and it sure ain't about the SUV)
missed my point AP and not it isn't about an SUV its about living without material things to raise your children not pawning them off on someone else to raise because you'd rather be doing something else. I went to college, have a degree and am choosing to stay at home so I can take my kids to the doctor if they need to go. I can chaperon their field trips if I want too because when it is all said and done they will remember the time when "Mommy took me to the zoo: not the time "Mommy" took me to daycare. If you choose to work you live with the consequences of that choice so quit whining about it. If someone HAS TO HAVE the giant gas guzzling SUV or the McManion so be happy than don't whine about having to work. Sorry if that was so hard for you to understand.
Rebecca, you have no right to pass judgment on women who want to have both a family and a career. I am single and childless, but I understand women who want to work as well as have a family. They enjoy their jobs as well as enjoying their families. Their choice is as legitimate as yours.
I wonder about women who do choose to stay home and feel it necessary to denigrate any woman who dares to make a different decision. It's great that you enjoy your life, why do you feel the need to attack people who have chosen differently?
These points about doing without more of the material things are all well and good when the children are small - but what about when they get older? I am the laid off mother of two teen agers, my husband makes good money, and has a stable job, but we are definitly struggling. Not because we are spendthrifts, but because of necessities for the children. I'm talking about things like college entrance exam prep classes, braces, wisdom teeth removal, etc. It has cost us as much as ONE YEAR of college tuition for about 5 months of college prep classes for just one of our children. Thank God the braces were mostly covered, but it still has been rough. I am actively looking for a job, but if I don't get one before it is time to apply for colleges we will definitly have a problem
This article totally hit it right on. After 20 years in the "human" medical field, I decided to switch to Veterinary medicine. Huge pay cut, but thought the self satisfaction would be tremendous gain. Only if you are 23, single and childless. They would rather have wokers that tweet, text and facebook with cellphones in pockets at all times, even during surgeries, than someone who is mature and responsible. I saw this more than once. Be cautious "when they take your pet to the back". Its not always as professional as it looks.
Fascinating article! As a leadership & life balancing educator I have heard endless stories about prejudice against moms & how challenging balancing work & motherhood in America is. That's why I started the Momager Club & wrote the book, "The Momager (mom & manager) Guide, Empowering Moms to Leave a Loving Legacy". I believe employers and our culture need to invest in parenthood education and support. Parents have a right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. All great change in America begins around the dinner table. We need to learn how to continually love & balance life - and teach our children to do the same.
I think it's less a problem with discrimination against moms than it is a problem with the ridiculous expectations that a lot of companies have set for their workers. It's definitely still an employer's market, and I believe that is driving the problem more than anything else.
I have no problem working hard, and when I was a young single childless woman, I had no trouble being promoted. Over the last 5 years or so, I have seen companies trying to squeeze every last drop of productivity out of their workers: slowing down hiring and expecting their employees to work 9 hours in the office 5 days a week, sign on to clear email in the evening at home, and work remotely Saturday and Sunday to catch up. There is no such thing as "work-life balance."
I recently had my first child, and when I went back to work, I found myself leaving before she was awake and getting home about 20 minutes before bedtime. When I asked my boss if I could work a day or 2 a week at home (which would be very do-able with no reduction in the quality of my work product), he told me no. No real reason given. He said that he has an infant, too, and that he never sees her during the week, either. He tries to cram all of his time with her into the weekend. What was left unsaid was that if I didn't like that idea, then I should probably look to step back into a lower-responsibility position.
I am actually going to be doing this, because I feel like I owe my daughter more than my paycheck. I don't want her to feel like she is an inconvenience that I had to outsource. I actually want to know her and watch her grow through her milestones.
I think that the real problem is that men have been programmed to accept and not question the unreasonable demands of their employers that increasingly eat away at their personal lives. If running into a "maternal wall" means trading off some pay and career opportunity for the chance to be a better mother and have evenings and weekends for personal use, then I've hit it. Until the job market loosens up and employers have to start offering flexibility again to retain quality employees, I don't see that changing.
We do have a right to pass judgement when it affects us. Like Andrea, I am childless by choice (age 43) and have had to make up for working moms my entire career. They expect it and the boss expects it. And nobody even says "thanks".
I don't have kids, but I DO have a life. And my choice is just as legitimate as yours. I don't expect working mothers do more. I just expect them to do their jobs.
Typo: "versus" not "verses."
Though most American's could benefit from reading more verse, even if it is liberal verse. :)
Great article.......I noticed this when I had my first child 23 years ago. She was born premature, and I was basically asked to leave my position because I had to take so much time off to care for her the first few months. After raising four kids, I am now trying to get back in the workplace without a lot of success. Life is hard for moms, but it's been so worth it. I wouldn't trade my kids for the best job in the world.
I am a mother of two teens. I work with several people who call in sick on a regular basis (a couple times a month) for one reason or another with their kids. The employer has needs and jobs to be done. If you can not do them, give the job to someone who can. Parents need back up plans, jobs that are more family friendly. Everytime one of my co-workers calls in, someone else doesn't get to go home as scheduled to their families. If I was an employer, I would steer away from the female with kids age group, or have some very strick attendance policies. The job still needs to get done, even if little Johnny has the sniffles (again).