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Subscribe to RSSSex after baby -- it doesn't have to be a contradiction in terms. Ian Kerner and Hilda Hutcherson appeared on TODAY Wednesday to talk about Hutcherson's new book, "Sex and the Baby Years."
They joined TODAY Moms for a live chat on Wednesday morning; you can read a full archive of the questions and answers here.
Here's what Ian has to say about the book on his web site, Good in Bed:
When you have a baby, sex goes from being something that used to be spontaneous to something that goes on a to-do list. And as sex falls to the bottom of that list, relationships become increasingly vulnerable: to anger, resentment, indifference, and, yes, infidelity. No wonder studies show that 90% of new parents experience a significant decline in relationship satisfaction, and that many couples end up divorced within five years of having a baby.
In the end, every parent wants their child to be happy. That's why we do our best to give them everything: from setting up college funds to giving up our careers to stay at home with them. But in the end, a happy child is part of a happy family, and at the heart of that happy family are two parents who are connected, loving and intimate. Becoming a parent doesn't mean becoming selfless, it means becoming selfish about the things that really matter: like your sex life.
Ian Kerner
So, the big question: How do we do it? Of course, we have kids, so we know how to do "it." But how do you make sex a priority when you're already exhausted and overloaded and haven't had five minutes for a shower? Please bring your questions and join the conversation with these authors.
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How do you help the women who feel repulsed with their post pregnancy body and can't get past it enough to even think about being intimate??? When you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror you certainly don't want to get naked in front of anyone else.
AMEN!!!
Oh my goodness--how can you not feel absolutely beautiful and happy to be alive! Yes, you are saggy and leaking from just about everywhere.....BUT, you just carried life and gave birth--- whether through c-section or natural childbirth--- YOU DID IT!
In a normal society this stage of life would be honored! Do you really think your husband is thinking "Man she needs to do some sit ups?" No way, they are so happy you carried a child that is part of both of you!
My thighs butt and stomach were so fat for the two years after I gave birth, and my c-section scar looked terrible, and you know what---my husband kissed them everyday and said "Thanks!" Have sex, have fun, love and honor each other. Turn off the stupid TV that tells you only girl-child-women are sexy ( you know that is a lie) Real women with real life scars are the most desirable gorgeous beings!
Kallie: you're very lucky, and it sounds like you know that. I'm (truly) happy for you. You have a loving and evolved man by your side.
Not every new mom has such a good partner. The reality for many of us is that our husbands/partners don't know how to approach us now. They don't compliment us. They don't thank us for what we've done to carry and deliver their beautiful, perfect child into the world. They are immature perhaps, something, I'm not sure, but it hurts me every day, and I can see why many marriages dissolve after a child arrives. It's so sad.
Men understand a lot. However, no non childbearing people(male or female) could truly understand child bearing fully. There's so many ups and downs with pregnancy and after the baby comes, it takes a lot out of a woman. We get all that extra fluid, stretching here, sagging there.- we don't look like ourselves right away. Most women never look the same ever. You'd almost think though that men should understand at least that there are tons of changes that will happen. They are so lucky in a lot of ways to not go through that. But lets turn the tables here and see this in most males view, your woman has changed, shes motherly, shes got a different look, heavens- she's emotional. Men aren't built with motherly instincts, they're kind of more single leveled in thinking, they don't undertand emotion without explaining it. They just want simplicity, a woman to love a job, a recliner, happiness. Yet in return they want their woman to love them and to meet him in the middle. If your man seems like he doesn't care, you have to be frank with him about your concern of how you feel you are being treated. If he loves you he will fix the problem, yet he may be selfish if he lets it in one ear and out the other. Women, we have to be honest with our men, sometimes brutily. If you end up wasting your breath, you don't need the stress, get out.
You are beautiful however, best wishes
I have to add that after a long day with the kids and chores, and errands, and part-time consulting, and all the other million things I do each day....I am exhausted.... and the only thing that gets me through some days is knowing I am going to be in my husbands arms at the end of the day. Even after seventeen years I can't wait to have him close to me--it gets me through and fills me up. We need each other and sometimes that is just holding each other ( sometimes for dear life) and often that turns into sex. You have to be each others biggest supporters and best friends first ; then sex just comes naturally. We are in our mid-thirties and have been together since we were 18---it only gets better!
yu got it Kallie, I'm with you!
Yes, and only yes. Thank you for telling it in a sensitive way. Pat your little husband on his head, and hug him also, and look up into the stars, and say, thank you.
If you don't have that, you guys will not have a good time, the rest of your lives, eh?
Women can make all the excuses they want, but the truth is simple - once a woman gets the children she wants, she has no use for men anymore, and the father slips to the bottom of the "to do" list. Often, he gets thrown away completely - divorced, or thrown out. I'm 49, and have no children. I am also with a woman who has no children. Men, now you know the truth...
I'm not going to sign onto the truly pessimistic views of this post, but I will say I agree that some women do start ignoring their husbands after the baby. I have a couple of friends--a couple--and after their first child, the wife co-slept with the baby for months. She had her husband sleeping on the couch for nearly the whole first year. He felt neglected and frustrated. Sure, your baby is important, but like the author says, you really need to nurture your husband-wife relationship, too.
I understand some men feel pushed to the side after the baby, but its not the truth that women use men until we get what we want. PEOPLE don't be truly clueless, communicate with your spouse, you'll figure all this out that's on this whole page once you just talk together.
I'm 28 years old and just got engaged to a wonderful guy! It wasn't until I was 26 year old that I got into the best shape of my life...literally. Being 28 and ready for marriage and a family, I know that I dont have much longer to wait around for babies. This also scares me in many ways. Getting the old body back and not being healthy again and also becoming another statistic. I've watched so many of my friends marriages gone down hill and end with divorce after children came into the picture ( though not much can be said for the fathers in the relationship ) I know that my fiance' and I are at the same point in our lives where we are both ready for a family and that lifestyle, i'm just so afraid that I wont know how to keep up the spark and romance once the kids come into play. I just know what the reality in these cases. I hope that he and I are strong enough to be able to work together to keep our relationship strong, but the worry is on my mind often.
TL10111, your concerns and observations are very well founded. Don't ignore them. It takes an extraordinary woman not to marginalize her husband once she has children, and it is an even more extraordinary man that can take being marginalized.
Be realistic. Odds are, if you have children, you'll wind up just like your friends. They all thought they could do it, but couldn't. Having children right at the beginning of a new marriage makes the odds that much worse!
Why not be happy to grow old with the one you love - just you two??? Or, at the very least, wait several years to solidify your marriage before you stress that marriage with children?
Thank Heaven that not all men are like you. We really could do without them then!
We both plan to wait at least 2 years or so before children come into the picture. That is a mistake that I saw also with my friends. They either had a baby first, or got married and immediately got pregnant.
Both he and I talk about all these things together and realize the difficulties that it can cause and we both still want some time to enjoy life together as a married couple, but we also know we can't wait forever for children. And one thing that we both know for sure, which solidifies us in itself, is that we both want to be parents someday.
That is a good way to look at it TL10111. You want to make sure your new husband and you are established, get to enjoy that "us" time where you can do any traveling, get careers settled, and someplace to call home before you start bringing kids into the picture.
Michael1601 you have no earthly idea. There are too many days that flat out exhaustion will kill any idea of anything but a cuddle and sleep. The man works 8 hours, as a mom of two toddlers I work 18 hours and on-call 24-7. Plus housework that never ends and taking care of farm animals. Flat out "you're an idiot". Maybe if the women were given more help rather than the man coming in and plopping down expecting dinner and giving nothing but the paycheck we might have energy left over for "other things" such as sex. When a woman's treated that way long enough she just might start asking "what do I need HIM for?"
Just remember... YOU wanted children. You knew going in what it would be like with two toddlers. Don't blame him. His only mistake was being stupid enough to father those children. And maybe he'd help more if you took care of his needs regularly.
Michael1601, Are you seriously than much of a self-centered moron???? IT TAKES TWO PEOPLE TO MAKE A BABY, or did you forget that? AND marriage is a 50/50 deal in ALL aspects of that relationship!
I really hope your arent married and definetely hope you NEVER have children! God help any wife or child you EVER have!
Wow. Michael 1601, I pity the poor woman who ever falls for whatever line of crap you use to get ANY woman to give you more than a passing glance. Hopefully God saw fit to render such an inconsiderate A-Hole like you sterile so no child is ever forced to be subjected to such negativity and antiquated, chauvanistic views on marraige, sex and gender roles. Men, the comments this idiot has made are NOT the truth so please, don't listen!!!
You have no earthly idea what it takes to be a mom OR a dad for that matter. My husband and I have been married for 3 years and just had the most beautiful baby girl three months ago. Due to circumstances beyond our control I am currently commuting 1 1/2 hours each way to work a full time job on top of the housework, dishes, laundry, etc. etc. etc. that goes along with being a grown-up and a parent. My husband also works full time and does what he can to assist with the chores at home. He watches our daughter during the day while I'm at work and I get her in the evenings and weekends while he's at work. It leaves us about 2 seconds of time together everyday but somehow we make it work AND still find time to "do it" at least once or twice a week. All it takes is a little creativity, a lot of planning, a little luck and commitment to making our family work. A child should only enhances the life and relationship that two people have built together, not destroy it. Only a person who has never been blessed with a child could make such ignorant and downright rude comments on a public forum. SHAME ON YOU!
Whoa ladies,
I'm not saying that Michael 1601 is a model of male understanding, but you also have to understand that men absolutely do have a different view point on what it takes to raise children, be invovled with children and are even different in the way that they bond with children. Women are attached the moment they're pregnant, men are attached when the child is born.
It is easy for us to critize a man who does not and will never understand what mothering takes out of a woman, but it is absolutely true that many women forget their husbands (not saying that that is a bad thing, perhaps it is even a very necessary thing). Why is that such an unimaginable thing when so many of us neglect ourselves after having a baby, leave off our partners!?
I happen to agree with many of his statements about having children early in a marriage. Most of my friends who married young and had kids young ran their relationships into the ground. Mostly because they were not financially or emotionally settled when they had children. It's really hard to have a healthy sex life when you are raising an infant AND struggling to pay your electric bill because you no longer have two incomes and your expenses have increased dramatically!
I think the most important thing and the thing that has made my marriage strong throughout the births of both of my daughters is the fact that though my husband and I met in law school, we did not get married until our early thirties and did not have children till our mid to late thirties, well after most of school debt was paid off, and we were both mature enough to let some of the more innane things in life fade away and were able to be selfish enough with each that we could make each other a priority even when we're both exhausted, whether its from me being with the kids all day or him working all day.
Maybe I'm just unique to the situation, but everyone says "If you have children early in your marriage, you are more or less doomed to divorce". I feel thats just plain bull. I become pregnant 7months after we were married, and so forth and so on. We have been married for almost 14yrs now, we now have a 12yr old and a 23month old. We are just as happy with one another now as we were then, chidren and all. Yes, we've had our ups and downs like any couple, we were married in our early twenties and have had money issues over the years amongst other things, but you know what.....If you are married to someone you work through the issues, you dont walk away. Thats the problem today, divorce is WAY to easy and made to be such an easy out for couples! Couples have forgotten to communicate and work through their issues, divorce is so much easier even when you have children today!
I was fairly annoyed with the talk about babies sleeping in bed with Mom and Dad. I have 5 children and they all started out sleeping in our bed. The reason was that my quality of sleep GREATLY improved when we moved our first out of her crib. It really bothers me that these experts seem to be suggesting the Dad's sex life is more important than Mom's sleep. I was committed to the idea that the children should be sleeping in their own bed around age 1 or 1-1/2, and in fact that's what we did. It wasn't easy at first; the toddlers fussed. My husband or I would sit next to the bed until they fell asleep and eventually we got to the point where we could tuck them into their crib and leave. On occasion they might try to come back to our bed but we would simply consistently tuck them back into their own. When they were sick enough to need a parent's presence, I slept on the floor in THEIR room. As far as sex goes, we clearly managed. As I mentioned before, we have 5 children.
Things do change after a baby comes. The baby becomes the top priority for the woman. It should. But that is no reason to ignore the needs of the husband. You may say you feel ugly or your husband is a bad guy (yes a lot of the posts by woman above put all blame on men) but I bet your husband is trying very hard to have sex with you and he might be about to give up.
Women need to look at this as what's best for the baby, and that's having 2 parents together raising the child. Stopping sex very much increases the odds your child grows up in a one parent household with visits to dad every other weekend. Bad way to go.
Babies cause a lot of stress and both sides need to adjust to keep things running as smoothly as possible, they'll never be completely smooth from here on out.
Ugh, the men commenting here make me never want to get married. I love sex but it is not the only thing in life or in a relationship. The michael's here are making it seem as though it is an obligation of their women to give it to them. Sex should not be an obligation and a man treating it as so may be a reason why a wife or girlfriend has no desire for them, especially when they have someone better to spend their time with.
"Just remember... YOU wanted children. You knew going in what it would be like with two toddlers. Don't blame him. His only mistake was being stupid enough to father those children. And maybe he'd help more if you took care of his needs regularly."
You are a sad sad soul Michael1601 and thank the gods you have no children to push your archaic mindset on.
I am the father of 5 children with my bride of 34 years. My wife stayed at home for the child rearing years, at least until our youngest was in the 2nd grade. Though I worked at times more than 10 hour days, I helped out with the kids when I got home. we wrestled in the yard or in front of the fireplace in the winter. I helped bath them, feed them, and rock them to sleep. I helped do dishes and vacume the house. Though self conscience about how she looked, my wife was more beautiful to me then than she had ever been.
Now, here we are in our 50's, both of us have bulged a bit thru the middle over the years, but our intimate lives are better than ever. We snuggle on the sofa, sit in the hot tub (clothing optional), and do everything we can to please each other both emotionally and physically. Our physical intimacy has never been better.
Yes - men need sex! Sorry, but it's a simple fact ... OK ... "need" is a strong word, but it's definitely something more than just a "want".
I think the biggest issue with decreased activity is the sense that we are no longer desired in the way we once were. It's one thing to be a little horny and not get some once in a while ... but when it happens over and over again you just start to feel resentment and rejection ... and that leads to the dark side :-).
It's hard to want a conversation from somebody you feel constantly rejected by
Personally - I do work many hours, and I also spend as much time as I can with my little boy ... and if the wife needs something - or I see her working all day around the house and stressed out ... I cover what chores I can.
I don't "work" any less than she does but I still have desire for her. Her desire simply vanished and it's really killing our marriage. Any time I bring it up it just creates problems.
Ladies reading this ... please don't be inhibited around your husband! He made a promise to love you forever (sickness and in health - and no matter what you look like) ... you can do the same for him. If you look like a person who always rejects him ... then you'll be ugly ... if you look like a person who loves him and wants him, then your the most beautiful person ever!
If your wife works and is rearing the small children, then it sounds like she is stressed and needs to be a full time home maker.....if you can afford to.
Stress kills sexual desire.....
Everyone needs sex! It's hardwired. The issue here is figuring out how to work sex back into a relationship after having a child.
Pete, you sweetheart. Man, so many women would want a man that thinks like you do. Your wiffe is so beautiful to you still, yet you've been hurt so badly that her beauty is questionable(non physically). Looks like your in it for the long run though- no matter what, you just want her to be turned on by you still without the upset of even discussing it.
As I've admitted b4, I am the horn dog in my relationship, which I am finding is odd since I'm the female. I don't get hurt if my man doesn't want it b/c I'm pretty demanding, and know it has nothing to do with me. Sometimes he pleasures me without asking for a thing in return, even though he's tired. He always tells me how sexy I am, pats my butt, takes me to amazing places, and helps me out around the house as well as with our girls. I really don't need the sex all the time because he fullfills me intimately enough without it constantly. I just get so turned on because of how amazing he is to me and it lets him know he's still got it goin on. Don't think he never wants it, he still is quite sexual a lot of the time.
If your women isn't asking for sex maybe its not you, could be her. Try doing little things for her like a wink or a butt patt (I love those), don't go overboard. Baby steps, court her again.TALK to her, I know u said she won't talk about it, but you need to let her know how you re beginning to feel(wake-up calls are sometimes helpful). Start dating the woman you love again and just maybe she'll be swept away, and you both may get something you want. lots of luck
Oftentimes after the first child is born, a man is made to realize that he no longer an equal partner to wife, for she has regulated him to a lieutenant making the child the number 1 object in the family - this means that no sex is needed to please substandard human husband if it interferes with child time. Man is only there for moral support and enslavement to family - a sperm donor, and only sometimes a lover. Of course, I do not speak for every man, but I suspect many men have felt this way.
I'm sorry. Believe it or not, I understand. Men and women do not think the same at all most of the time. Trust me though, that is not how most of us women think about our men. We are thankful, but both sexes work hard day to day, I don't understand why all we want in this world anymore is just sex from our spouse. You two have a child, drink it up. Don't try and c her as the woman that won't give you sex, but as that special woman you love and is the one woman you are attracted to. Its not just the womans job to get busy with it. Girls do lie to men in ways we feel is code that our man should understand. When say we're tired, we're really waiting for u to make a move. We grow up hearing princess stories and many women want to feel that way, we never grow out of it. Like I said the sexes are night and day, do some research into that. Good luck
I have two daughters, 12yrs old and 22months old. I have been married to my husband for 13yrs and we obviously had our first daughter early in our marriage. We have had our ups and downs like any couple over the years, but we have a very solid realtionship.
My husband wants sex everyday, twice a day if possible. He knows that will NEVER happen! We make time for each other at least three - four days a week after the kids go to sleep. Sex is not important to me at all, I would be happy with once a week if it were up to me. After working a full time job, cooking dinner, housecleaning, taking care of the children, I'm just plain tired! But I know its important to my husband, so most of the time, when I dont want to, I will to make him happy. But, I'm not afraid to tell him NO either, which he has heard many,many times over the years.
So like all aspects of marriage, it takes work and both partners have to put forth the effort, even when you are both exhausted. ( A "quickie" works wonders on those exhausting days) Husband and Wife both have to remember you were a couple before you were "mom and dad". Hey, its worked 13yrs for me so far!
Wow. And Yikes. Sex is not just a want expressed/fulfilled, but a giving and receiving, and that, if not impeded, naturally results, for healthy people. It's very like what happens when children eat: if one is neither bulimic nor anorexic, this results in a healthy body. Making the parallel, don't be either bulimic nor anorexic.
Children are the natural consequence of a healthy marriage...though it may be that this couple or that one is not yet prepared to handle children at this time for whatever legitimate reason. It remains that sex is not, primarily, ordered to pleasure...though it certainly is a by product and one that all too often is the primary motivation of a good many if not most people. One biology class ought to put things in perspective.
There really is a better way...a way that acknowledge the beastier aspects of man without ignoring his ability to reason and love....that which sets him apart from every other creature.
Aim higher. Be a man. :)
Women spend 15 mins a day providing for your husband for one month and i bet you will get 4 to 5 times that back in help with everything including the baby, dishes, laundry. Happy guys will break their backs to keep things on track
I understand what you're saying, but thats not always true! (I posted right above you), no matter how many days a week I give my husband what he wants, it wont change what he does for me around the house. He's not deprived BY ANY MEANS, and to be fair its 75/25 in our home, with me carrying 75% of the load around the house.
And the "i bet you will get 4 to 5 times that back in help", is a little far fetched dont you think. If thats the case for you, I applaud your wife for getting that much "extra" help, but thats not the case for most couples.
And furthermore, why do we women have to "GIVE" you men 15 minutes every day, in exchange for what you should be doing anyways?? You eat the food we make, you helped make the children we care for...we live in the same house the WE as a couple bought, why do you not think you need to contribute anything unless you are getting enough *ss to make you "happy"?
chrissy....how do you know your husband's not deprived? you might think that the 15 minutes / day you give him is enough. maybe it is and maybe it is not. but is it enough of an investment in your relationship? in you? I dont know your situation in terms of what your husband contributes. what i have found is that husbands do contribute, a lot more than wives give them credit, but that wives when it comes to the home, nit-pick on things if it is not done "their way" and they wind up doing it themselves. so husbands think that they have done it and wives dont because they had to redo it.
I love your comment that "we should be doing it anyways". Yes we should, and women should do things too dont you think. If you want to go down that road, how much do YOU contribute to making the money that purchased the house and buys the food and provides the necessities. I am not saying to go 50/50 on everything, but your comment suggests that you only see one side of the argument.
Let me first say, its not always 15minutes!( I was repeating what the other person said) I'm saying on occassion we will have a "quickie", but 70% of the time its much longer! I've been with my husband for 13yrs and we talk, talk about everything, and I feel that I would know if my husband wasnt satisfied.
My husband and I are very happy, we have been for 13yrs, and we both know we have different sex drives. I may not always be in the mood for it, but I usually do because I know it will make him happy.
Is it ok for me to stop fixing things around the house because I'm too tired? I doubt any woman would agree with that statement. If you don't and you think it's OK to shut off sex you are a hypocrit.
Fixing things around the house is one thing, its not something that is done EVERY single night of the week....Working full time, cooking dinner, laundry, dishes,kids bathtime, helping kids with homework, general straighening around the house, etc...is an EVERYDAY job and it can be exhausting! And if you think otherwise, your an idiot! But you wouldnt know, because I'm sure you dont do all those things, your wife does!
I am sure you don't know me. I am sure I cook dinner and my wife does not because she will be the first to tell you she can barely make a salad. She eats cereal if I don't make dinner. I am sure my wife would tell you I do all of those things because she has told me that she is thankful that I do those things.
I am also sure that people like you who make assumptions about someone they have never met...well you know where that goes.
You know Mike, I would've had a nice remark to make to your post until you had to run off at the mouth in the end. I'm not making assumptions about anyone on here, I'm only going by the remarks I'm reading, and by your remarks, I'm thankful I dont know you.....Thank God for small favors.
BAM! I smell sexism! Yeah everyone I guess he's right, women have never fixed a damn thing around the house ever! We just are supposed to roll over and say here's some gravy for your summer sausage, we never do anything around the house period. No cleaning or taking care of the children, because men do all that right?! Wake up Mike. It's almost 2011, women and men are equal, go ahead and stop fixing things, be selfish- your wife can fix that crap in the end( yes women do have brains, we were madeidentical to you, after you, but we have all the indoor plumbing). Your wifes saying she's tired because she's covering up that her man is a sex-selfish ass. When was the last time you carressed her, told her she was sexy, slapped on the buttox? Looks like your wanting ALL the credit for everything, in return is whats turning her off and drying her up.
You both are harboring a lot of anger. Christy, from your number of posts you obviously spend more time posting on here than watching your child(ren).
By the way I have never mentioned anything about my relationship with my wife and I won't, that's private. Your assumptions as I mentioned to the previous woman however are wrong.
Mike, I do have a job that allows breaks and a lunch....thats when I get on here. I dont open my laptop at home until the kids are in bed.
No, we are not harboring alot of anger, we are stating simple facts. Like dont ask said, we arent completely helpless at fixing things around the house either.
The only thing we can't fix.......You being an idiotic fool!
Can somebody please give advice on how to make it better? I'm frankly kind of freaked out by all the complaining back and forth. You all sound like you're married to each other in the middle of the "sex" argument.
I have been married to one woman only for 15 years and we have two small children (3 and 5). I honestly love her more each year and therefore desire her more each year. Her sex drive seems to be less each year and it's really frustrating me.
I don't "expect" anything from her, but sex is part of a marriage and I'm really attracted to her. It's like hanging a steak in front of a dog and never letting him eat it. I know she's stressed out because she stays at home, but I am too because I work fulltime and travel 15 times a year for work.
What can I do to get the spark back in her that she had before kids?
I've been with my husband for 13yrs and I understand what you are saying. i have a 12yr old and 22month old. Like I said in previous posts, my husband's sex drive is much different than mine!
Have you considered giving her "time off" from the children? I was a stay at home mom for the first year after both my girls were born. At the end of the day I would have given anything for time for myself WITHOUT the children to regroup and relax...I'm not saying everyday just occassionally. I understand you work full time and travel quite a bit, but that doesnt make your wife's job any less demanding, trust me I know!
Have you tried going back to the way you used to be...dating. If you have a babysitter available to you, go out, just the two of you alone. Dinner and movie, wine and dine her like I'm sure you used to do before children :) My husband and I go on occasional dates, just the two of us, and it is really theraputic for us, reminds us that we are a couple, not just mom and dad. If she likes flowers or something, buy her some and add a sexy/loving note to them.
I forgot to add, have you all talked about this? Has she given you any kind of reason for her change in sex drive, like she's exhausted, doesnt like the way she looks post children, etc.
I will tell you, it seems to me, from most people I've talked to, that sex drive always changes for a woman after children. But thats no reason to cut out sex completely. Like I said before, you both have to put forth the effort to meet each others needs in the bed and out.
palancarreefsnorkel- The back and forth is scary in these comments. Note that if your wife takes birth control pills that they are a huge sex drive inhibitor. Meaning that she may not want sex at all because her hormonal levels have been evened out by the pill.
Romance romance romance. Palancareesnorkel-Dude, your awesome. You love this woman soooo much- it's clear.
You go on 15 business trips a year, have you brought her back a gift that will touch her heart? My fiancee is a truck driver and I collect shot glasses. He always picks me up shot glass, I get really turned on, because he thinks of me. I understand the whole being apart all the time saga. It sux. Maybe she just feels that sex will hurt her for the next time you leave, because your side of the bed will be empty. I can't even sleep in our bed when he's gone b/c I want him there so bad. I'm the horn dog out of the two of us, as you are (admit it). Thus, I have to do some kinky things sometimes to get him going. don't be afraid to step out of the box. Amaze her, make the move, love is a never ending dessert, as is she- (its up to you at this point to add the ingredients that will spice her up, and make her say eat me, I'm oven baked and hott for you), talk to her bout what she thinks could be fun or romantic. She should come around, and start moving in on you. It could be all she's waiting for. Best of luck!
I will be turning 40 and have been married for over 20 years to my high school sweetheart, before we had kids I loved being intimate, but after my kids, I just have no drive for it, I hate my self for not wanting intercourse because I know it hurts him but at the same time sometimes all I want is to be held and he can not do just that he thinks it has to lead to intercourse which just upsets me, I always tell him its not him and I know for a fact that its me, what I don't know is how to fix this.
I dont always want it myself, I would much rather be going to sleep. But, I do because I know my husband wants it, even if its a "quickie", and I do end up being "happy" I did. It just takes a little cohersion to get the drive up and going for me. Do you not want it even after you two have started?
You have to wait 4-6 weeks. Other than that everything should be OK. I can't believe anyone would have any other problem besides going crazy with the wait. I get that some women feel that way but how can you not have a need to feel sexy? I can't relate.
My concern is that every post on her is treating sex as a "tit-for-tat" treaty that you made when you signed you marraige certificate. WTF? Being intimate with each other is a sign of love and the deepest form of communication with your spouse. It should not be viewed as payment for services rendered around the house. My husband and I have been together for 8 years. We have two kids (6 and 1 yr) and we have very different, yet equal duties. A family/household requires so much more than "I've been taking care of the kids all day" or "I did the dishes so no sex for you" And, pardon my blunt wording but I am not my husband's sex slave. It is not my primary function to satisfy his every sexual whim to ensure a happy marriage. To you men who assume that sex is all up to the woman, grow up and figure out how to have a mature relationship with your spouse. This is not all her fault and it's not all your fault. You are a team and you owe it to each other to act like one.
More than half of relationships end in divorce for very good reasons, Sex being one of them, Children being one of them. There is no such thing as an "equal" relationship. Someone always does more. People want different things. Yes, men want sex, women feel tired. So is it reasonable to just assume the man has to adjust? No, it's not. If you feel bad about the way you look, do something about it, even if you just turn out the light! Gee.... Men do get put on the back burner when we have kids, babies are needy! We are afraid we will do something wrong and the baby comes first. The biggest thing is communication and compromise. Been there, done that. Had kids, got divorced. Children change a relaitonship, not always for the best. People really need to look at all aspects of bringing a child into a relationship. It's not all peachy and fun. It is a ton of exhausting work, much of it unrecognized.
With all do respect, I don't understand how you can say that children are part of splitting up most marriages. If you are responsible enough to have unprotected sex, then you are pretty much saying that you are ready to have a child. Children are blessings, and noone should ever look at them as some would a rodent or a parasite. Things don't always go unrecognized, parenting is a mother- father job. If the mother or father takes all the credit when the other clearly helps then yeah, I can totally c that divorce coming. We have two little girls (4 and 1) the job isn't all that exhausting, even with them being so young, because you get used to it as long as you keep an open mind. I just think about how fast I grew up, time stops for nothing. I didn't have the best childhood, but our girls have a mother and father who love them dearly, and will stop at nothing to raise them respectfully and completely loved. And if someone always does more in the relationship, you aren't really communicating about who needs to do what - in order to meet your spouse halfway (GET TO TALKING TOGETHER). the more you talk, the less someone gets "put on the back burner".
No, there isn't such thing as an equal relationship. You'll both have falls and dissapointments, that's why you have your spouse- to help you get back up. You'll never know what will happen when and how many times to either of you, you just always need to be there for your lover.
Next, you say for the women out there who are self concious to turn out the lights, or do something about it. Ok, over half of the female population is self concious somehow about their bodies. We don't want to turn off the lights, but want to have our lover see us for who we are. Although women may not love their bodies, to a lot of "baby-daddys", you look way more beautiful after having his child. - Yet a woman knows her bodie's changes down to a T, and may still always have issues with her self (thus: self issues), this does not mean she is by any means weak or idiotic.
After having two beautiful children and a husband abandoning his young family for a woman who he thought was perfect, I did not look ways to improve myself. I still have my post pregnancy body to this day but I have been bless with a beautiful man who overlooked my so call imperfection. Yeah I have stretch marks on my belly and on my thighs and I still don't have the hour glass figure or the time to get implants for my saggy boobs but obviously I do have some qualities other men look for. I am now engage to a good looking man who is lean, fit and involve in seasonal sports year round. My sex life is off the chart. I never thought sex would continue from the evening and into the morning. My fiancee saved me from depression and has made me feel more beautiful. Now I am the envy of many woman who wished they had my fiancee because he is hot and don't mind helping me raise my 2 and 4 year old babies. I met him when my youngest was 6 months so we have been together for a year and 1/2. I would like to say to the women who are self-conscious, be who you are and someone will see how beautiful you really are from the inside and will see you bloom into a beautiful woman. I am that woman, scars are a part of life giving and receiving.
Well said!!
Just had baby #2, and realizing how extremely blessed I am. My husband and I were married five years prior to having our first. We both grew up very poor and had to move away for career opportunities. We've only had each other to lean on. We both worked on getting our graduate degrees before beginning parenthood. Life has been hard and full of constant change to struggle for something better than where we came from. I believe that it was important for us when we made our vows to build a home of love and that includes having children that embody the best of each of us. In fulfilling these commitments, our time for maintaining our physical appearance has fallen to the wayside. It does bother me some that I can't easily shed the 30 pounds of babyweight, that I have less time to work on my appearance and making plans for romantic weekends. But, my husband and I agree that these years of the kids being young and needy is temporary. Life goes by fast and we will have more time for ourselves as the kids grow and the years go on. Right now this is our responsibility, and we love each other even more for the commitment and efforts of building a family of love. We see each other in our children, and my husband is even sexier now than ever before in my eyes, and I want him more than ever. I couldn't imagine having any of it without him. The struggles bind us tighter, and because of this the few romantic opportunities we have are much anticipated and memorable. I look forward to growing old with him, sharing all stages of marriage, the hard and the easy. One day the kids will move out and start their own families, and we will enjoy our intimate time again, along with a chance to be grandparents.
.....Or we can just not have kids and find other ways to make ourselves happy, like adopting children who deserve a chance at a normal life...