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Gordon Gekko from the movie "Wall Street," parenting guru? Maybe.
After months of people telling me not to feel guilty, and my deeply rooted inability to take that advice, I have a new mantra, and it’s all thanks to Michael Douglas as Gordon Gekko. Gordon had greed. I have guilt.
Guilt – for lack of a better word – is good.
Guilt is right.
Guilt works.
Conventional wisdom and pop psychology better duck, because Gordon and I are about to fly into your upbeat, sappy, stupid face. Guilt is seen as a waste of time, as the unresolved issue of a negative mother who does not “let things go.” By the way, when people tell me to “let things go,” I mainly just want to let my handbag go into their testicles or jugular. Maybe holding onto things isn’t so bad. That’s right, maybe guilt is good.
Matt Beard
Teresa Strasser feels guilty... but she's OK with that.
Maybe guilt works.
In my 15 months as a mother, I’ve done a lot of whining and crying, and a lot of apologizing for whining and crying about what I know are high-quality, first-world problems with my beautiful, healthy child. Still, to me, my anxieties are heavy. I drag them around in a diaper bag of doubt, and telling me to put them down doesn’t help.
I worry that I don’t know how to play with my child, that I work too many hours, that it’s my fault he caught hand, foot and mouth disease because I took him to the germ-infested play area at the mall. I feel guilty because sometimes I look at a guy reading the paper at a coffee shop and I want to yell, “Do you know what it’s like to have the clock ticking every second? You don’t have to be at daycare in 20 minutes, do you? DO YOU, DUMMY?”
I feel guilty because when my son picks up a cell phone, he calls it “mama.” My son thinks phones are called “mamas.” Do my guilt minutes roll over?
I feel guilty when I let him cry it out at night. I feel guilty when I run in to soothe him, because I should be letting him soothe himself.
There is guilt when I drive him around to do errands, because that must suck, being all trapped in a car seat listening to people yammer on NPR, or worse, mom singing some Dixie Chicks song. There is guilt when we stay home, just staring at the same old toys without the stimulation his little brain needs. There is guilt when he kicks his feet and cries when I leave him with the sitter, and there is guilt when he smiles and beams at the sitter when I go, because he must love her more.
There are degrees of guilt, and there are colors and textures of guilt, but there is guilt for almost every parenting occasion. It’s not like I spend every waking moment doused in it, but whenever I mention that I might feel … gulp, guilty … about being a working mom, or an imperfect mom, or an impatient mom, or a un-fun mom, I get the same story. “Never feel guilty. You’re doing your best.”
This sounds so wise.
I’ve finally concluded that, at least for me, it’s not possible.
If I didn’t second-guess and approach each challenge with a pinch of self-doubt, I wouldn’t be me. And since I can’t let go of my guilt, I’m embracing the hell out of it.
Guilt makes me stop by the bookstore for two books on toddler brain development. Guilt makes me turn off the phone during playtime, while I try to make peek-a-boo fun for him and be totally present. Guilt makes me scour the web for rainy-day activities, so we find places like the automotive museum with a special floor just for kids. Guilt makes me visit a day care nine times before choosing it.
If I didn’t love that guy so deeply and so fully, I wouldn’t feel guilt. My guilt is a teddy bear I cling to when I don’t know if I’m doing any of this the best I can. My guilt reminds me I’m doing the only thing my child absolutely needs me to do: love him with the fiery intensity of a million Gordon Gekkos.
Moms who don’t feel guilty, let me be the first to say, good for you. Keep doing what you’re doing. You can skip this.
Moms who strap the guilt into the car seat every day: Are you as sick as I am of well-meaning, dodo self-help readers telling you not to feel guilty when you can’t help yourself? I’m hoping you can hear Michael Douglas whispering to you. Stop beating yourself up over beating yourself up. Guilt is good.
Guilt is right. Guilt works.
You know who never felt guilty? That mom that left her kids starving and chained to the radiator. Okay, now I feel guilty for saying that.
Teresa Strasser is an Emmy Award-winning writer and author of “Exploiting My Baby,” which Life & Style magazine calls a "hilarious first time memoir about motherhood." You can read her blog at ExploitingMyBaby.com.
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Leave a Comment:
You're right, feeling guilty shows you have some moral character. To be in balance, though, you also have to forgive yourself for some things because that will keep you sane.
You forgot one guilt: the guilt knowing that for all the time you spent writing this self-absorbed drivel, you could have spent time simply hanging out with your child and husband. Although I'm not sure you have a husband with your reference to violence towards men. To me, this reeks of writing for writings sake. Not good.
Coach - 1124615 - you read the article didn't you? Hypocrite. What she does is called 'paying the bills.' Open your narrow-mind and find a sense of humor.
I enjoyed the article and I'm not even a mother.
What about the guilt of watching a horrible movie like Wallstreet 2? That's time that could have been better spent cleaning the house or sewing a blanket or starting dinner for a man.
Coach -- Right on! The guilt described is the guilt from not making the choices that would alleviate the guilt. Otherwise, the "guilt-generating" actions would not generate guilt ... sorrow, maybe; wishing it could be different, maybe. Trouble with the writer seems to me to be that her child doesn't give her the kind of attention she craves ... as a narcissist! Babies have a natural affinity for their mothers ... and also know when it's not worth the effort!
Hey, kids sleep, she could have written the article and watched movies when her child is sleeping. Duh.
Stubby, I can only conclude that you are not a mother.
Bingo! Her guilt is from living a life of inconsequence and self-importance. And she's wrong. Guilt might work in the short-term, but results in long-term damage to oneself and relationships if you do not listen to and respond to the message the guilt is giving you. She wants to empower herself by accepting her emotions? Fine. But that's an entirely different thing from turning that acceptance for the sake of growing into approval for the sake of remaining self-satisifed. Typical rich, out-of-touch, self-absorbed Jew.
Maybe she is trying to become a writer instead of an office slave or whatever so that she can have more time with her kid and quit feeling guilty. It's something I've considered (if I could only write - you have to start somewhere)
Um..... The line was GREED not GUILT. Just clarifying there. However, there is not a parent out there who should in any way feel guilty about not raising a spoiled obnoxious tantrum throwing little brat. The PC'ness that parents get shoved down their throats is BS. 40,50,60 years ago children were much more well behaved and recognized that acting up/out had consequences. I dont in any way endorse beating your child, however a little smack on the behind or an occasional "No" your not getting this/that is not abuse.
Children indeed begin picking up even the must subtle of messages at a very early age, and they soon after (my current three year old seems to have been doing it for over a year already) begin trying to manipulate situations using this stored info. Children should be raised to know they are loved and will always be loved. They do not need to grow up thinking that at all times, the lives of those around them need to come second to their own. As a middle school teacher, I see the all too prevalent results of that. I feel guilty when I know I have truly made a mistake, not because I permit and even sometimes encourage my children (3 and 4) to sometimes play second fiddle to the rest of life that is going on around them.
As a proud Jewish woman I completely agree that we should embrace the mommy guilt! No reason to fight it, it's not like it's going away anytime soon. Rock on Teresa!
I completely agree. "Letting go" of guilt is not always the best option for every individual. While guilt can destroy some, it may prove a useful tool for others; use it to your advantage.
Well it seems the author is in charge of moderating this post and is removing any post that casts her in a bad light. Here is my edited comment- let's see if this makes it through...
Why would you yell at some guy reading a paper and drinking coffee minding his own business? Why would you think that your problems or 'guilt' are any more important than what other people are thinking or going through?
Just to clarify for everyone, the author is not moderating comments. I edit the TODAY Moms blog and I deleted your comment because it violated the Newsvine Code of Honor you agreed to follow in the User Agreement:
1. Above all else, respect others. Address issues and arguments and refrain from making personal attacks.
Helpful hint: If you call someone nasty names that you have to "bleep" out with %&$#, then you're probably violating the Code of Honor.
Swearing is NOT against the code of honor. Calling names is. Although if those names are directed at the author and the author is not commenting, then I'm not so sure CoH applies. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.
Guilt is boring. Guilt is unproductive. It starts to weigh heavy until that's all you feel. Go ahead and feel guilty all you want, but eventually it gets old. Personally I have better things to do.
It is silly to think that the author would actually scream at the guy sitting in the coffee shop. She was just trying to show the frustration of feeling like you're never carefree or worry-free when you have to constantly worry about a child, and possibly her jealousy of that care-free, no rush world. And maybe the guy was a father too, about to pick up his child from the babysitter. But that wasn't the point! It wasn't a personal attack, just an interesting way of the author to show her feelings. Jeez, why do people read these articles if they get so worked up about something so silly?
And how is it wasting time writing this article? It is her JOB which helps support her family (including her baby). And I am sure she is making some mom out there that feels the same, feel better that she's not alone.
It seems like people want to judge just to judge. It's a great article. No need to take her humor too seriously, I'm pretty sure she won't slam her handbag into someone's testicles or flip out on some stranger in the coffee shop. And if she does, well, I'm sure they'll be a funny article about it ;)
This article appears to be nothing but an attention grabber for the writer. "Coach 1124615" is correct; instead of spending time on this article, spend some quality time with your child. I'm sure your child would appreciate it.
This article was just great. I have mommy guilt too but I choose to embrace it as well.
ninetynine54276 - you clearly don't have children...why are you reading this article anyway...wierdo!
Thank god everyone doesn't run around yelling at strangers because they're overwhelmed by their own self-importance and inability to deal with life. Hey lady, you're the one who had the kid. It's no one's fault but your own if you can't handle it.
Welcome to motherhood.
Society will make you doubt everything you do. Instinct will tell you that you're doing it right.
Oh how I know this feeling! And, I'm a stay at home mom who has a child on my hip 24/7. There's guilt in everything a mother does- that voice in the back of our heads saying "Should I be doing something more/less/different/the same?"-- always wanting to give them the world and feeling awful if we fall the least bit short. Thanks for the post, Teresa--loved it!
I guess I can't imagine embracing the guilt. Seems a miserable way to exist if you ask me. No parent is perfect, and I'd imagine most of us have a little guilt at times about things.
But it seems like the author enjoys beating herself up and being angry at everyone who has a free minute. I guess if it works for her, who am I to criticize. But I'm grateful that I'm not one that feels the need to self-flagellate at every turn. I think it makes me a happier person, which in turn makes me a happy parent. *shrug* To each their own, though.
THANK YOU MELANIE 1631910- At last a SANE PARENT posted up! Your WORLD is what YOU make it! HAPPINESS or GUILT IS A CHOICE! You better know that going into it that having children TAKES TIME, BEING TOTALLY SELFLESS and until they are GROWN AND OUT OF THE HOUSE most basically you WON'T HAVE ANYTIME FOR YOURSELF! That's just how it IS and ALWAYS WILL BE IF YOU HAVE KIDS. If you see someone in a coffee shop having ME TIME and reading their paper, well, that IS NOT THEIR PROBLEM, IT IS YOURS for having those SELFISH THOUGHTS. WELCOME to the WORLD OF YOUR PARENTS! They went through the same things you are now, but they didn't complain in the least because they knew it going in that having kids is one of the most UNSELFISH things you can do. I say if you can't handle the GUILT then you only better ever have this 1 and only child and call it quits after this one unless you can learn to deal with the absolute time and everything you have to give WITHOUT COMPLAINT THAT YOU HAD THE CHOICE OVER to bring this child into the world or not. If you can't handle having any more kids, or if this one takes up to much of your time, then I would highly suggest staying on your BIRTH CONTROL Medications or maybe even getting your tubes tied for a more permanent solution to your little GUILT ISSUES!
I feel sorry for her kid. The author needs to get a grip and focus on today and what is important in her life instead of questioning everything. Don't look back, yesterday is gone.
I'm sorry if you can't let go, but that is your problem and no one else's. Here is the problem you face: if you don't let it go, then you will start to exist only for the sake of your child and for no other reason. One day, that child will grow up and move away (possibly far, to get away from an overly-involved mother). Then where will you be? Nowhere. You will have no sense of self-worth apart from being a mother. Being a mother is important stuff, but it is not the be all, end all of female existence.
You will be a better mother if you actually embrace the actual quote, "Greed is good." A little greed (for time and energy) for parents accomplishes many things. First, it let's the parent(s) pursue outside interests. This makes them more complete people. They actually have something to talk about other than their children. I love hearing about your children, but you are a really boring person, if that is all you can talk about. Second, it will make their kids better people because they will realize the world does not revolve around them. The child gets to pursue some of their interests, but sometimes their parents' interests get pursued. Third, with married and cohabiting parents, having time to themselves lets them strengthen that relationship which can only help the child.
It's best if you drop the guilt, for all concerned. However, if you can't, shut up about it. There is a synonym for it in this case. It's called whining.
I think most normal working MOM's can relate to this article. It really hit home and put a smile on my face. I never really noticed that I do this all the time. Those that dont have children cant relate, SO DONT TRY TO.
Those who have never been to war can't relate, but I don't hear moms shutting up about that, so fair's fair honey.
Those of us without children can't relate, but we're tired of the ones with kids that can't cope and want the rest of to share in their misery.
Wakehead, those of us with kids who accept parenthood for all the ups and downs don't wallow in the daily life it all, we get tired of this type of 'poor me' syndrome as well. Regardless of how or why a person got pregnant, parenthood is a choice.
The part that got me the most was when she says she can't do anything about it. I was reading thinking we were going to see her realize all this worrying was wasteful and counterproductive to a happy life for herself and her child, instead she tells us (the readers) she is giving up and is just going to be like this because she can't do anything about it. I feel sorry for her child, but maybe with a bit more time as a parent she will realize her guilt, anger, and violent thoughts are waying her down.
I get in a funk every so often and feel this way too! No one that has posted a comment should judge the writer. I would almost bet everyone has had the same feelings, parent or not, about something in their own life. Life moves by way to quick to be so negative. I know that my child is my world and I do the best I can everyday, that's all that should matter. She's the center of my world but knows that momma has to go to work in order to make the household function. To each their own, is completely true!
I think the article says it all and as a working mother of 2 I agree with so many of the things you said and I like that it is said with humor..great job!
As for the rest of you negative people...get a life!
Anyone who is a mom (or working mom) will understand this article, if you don't fall under this category then you're not entitled to an opinion.
We all know when you feel the sweat trickling down your neck while taking out your kid from the car, getting the diaper bag and stroller, and don't forget the sippy cup or the binky because then hell will break loose... You feel a tad jealous for those people who have that alone time. And yes, we chose to have the kid and we rescinded any right for "alone" time but we're human and we are allowed to be jealous once in a while. I feel guilty everyday when the babysitter tells my baby to say good-bye to mommy. Why am I doing this to us, I say? Because there are bills and school to pay for. And at night while putting her to sleep she reaches out to touch my nose and smiles. That's when the guilt melts away.
Really? How about a father of two? My wife watches the kids during the day while I work, and when I return, she goes to work and I watch the kids. We are both exhausted, and we both bring home money, and though it is not a perfect life, we love it.
Am I not entitled to an opinion?
Many of the comments so far seem to completely ignore the possibility that a man could have a valid opinion on this matter. I think at least my wife would agree I do. :)
I am a mother of several children, I could not relate to her 'guilt' and the violent thoughts and anger she feels because of all of her 'guilt'.
I found myself hoping she will find some true happiness in her journey as a parent and not simply to give up and say she 'can't help herself'. Her jealousies or guilt could be w/in her control to figure out how to have a geniunely healthy balance, but instead she copped out to 'I just can't help it'.
I little guilt is normal, but this guilt (though probably the result of mere exhaustion of first time parenting, which she will hopefully laugh at in a few years) came across as at the tipping point of an extremely serious condition.
Have you ever killed someone? Do you have an opinion about whether people should or should not kill people?
If you haven't, then maybe you should before you form an opinion about it, according to your logic.
Gimme a break.
FYI: ALL Moms are working moms. I have 3 kids, aged 10 yrs., 4 yrs., and 21 months. I don't work outside the home currently. Taking care of your children is a JOB, whether you stay at home with them or work outside the home. The DIFFERENCE is that those who have a job in addition to being mothers actually GET PAID for their work while they're away from their kids, while those who decide to solely concentrate on mothering get no monetary compensation.
That said, all moms experience some form of guilt. If the guilt stems from not spending enough time with your child because you work, then those who do work need to examine whether or not they can afford to cut back in their work outside the home in order to spend time with their kids. If they can't then they shouldn't be guilty, because the money that they bring in helps their kids to eat and have a roof over their heads. If the guilt stems from things other than time spent at work vs. time spent with kids, you have to rationalize it: what CAN you control vs. what you CAN'T control. Guilt over things you can't control we all just need to let go of. Kids don't come with a manual. You do the best you know how and hope it comes out right.
I am with you Jen R! I am a stay-at-home mom currently (did work previously) and I often hear the 'well you don't understand because you don't work'. Is that so? Well, first, tell that to my date planner which is generally full of volunteering at school or prepping things for school functions and what not. I would never say to a working mom 'well you don't understand what is going on with your children, because you don't see them during the day and I do.' I am not sure why some who 'work' get a holier than thou attitude. We are all contributing to the success of children, whether in the home, at work, etc. Some of us need or want to work outside the home, some want to be volunteers at school and such...it is all necessary, so why do moms beat it each other up? Guilt, maybe? I dunno, but I believe it does 'take a villiage', and each of us is playing a part, whether helping in class or working to pay the bills...we are all working moms.
well, this a bit too self-serving and whiny for me. but, this lady only has one kid. Once that next child comes she won't even have time to read an article, much less write one.
Ha! Good one! Those with more than one child are usually to busy to psychoanalyze everything. They are...hey, you! Quit jumping on your little brother's head!
Well I enjoyed this so much.? I feel guilty just for being a mom and work that's another guilt that I can't handle between that and daycare calling me for every sound she makes.I'm having to leave work to pick her up from daycare explain to my boss why she's sick getting suspended for being a mom really bites the big one. So how do you not feel GUILTY.. You can't just have to smile and say " I''m a MOM"..
You're so funny. I feel guilty all the time. I feel so much better after reading this article. Thanks.
People - stop being so judgemental and taking yourselves so seriously. This is a fun, lighthearted article that many of us can relate to. It's creative writing and apparently pays this woman's bills. So get a life or don't read the article! Remember what your mother told you...if you don't have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut.
My mother never told me that, because she left the family before she could.
Care to try again?
I am a stay at home mom, I love my son and we have another baby girl in 2 months on the way. I give him all the time in the world, and I even feel guilty sometimes. For what? Not too sure. I just do! I think deep down inside some of us equate feelings of guilt with evidence of love. I can see how working mom's would be feel intense guiltbc she is away from her babies for 8-10 hours a day, I get that. But would it surprise you that when you are at home with them everyday, all day, interacting with them, talking and playing with them, home schooling them and protecting them to the best of your ability, you can still feel guilty? For what? I dunno? If I am pregnant and sick ( I am diabetic too) and I am forced to take a nap 6 days or more a week, I feel guilty for not being available to him for an hour or two while I rest.
I guess it just means I love him to death and I want the best for him.
I recognize how limited and frail a human I really am. But I think in the years to come, as my son grows into manhood, he will with out a doubt reflect on the fact that his mother (and father) were fraught with error and human mistakes, but inspite of all that, we loved him dearly. IN the end, I supose that is all that really matters; that he knows he was loved deeply by less than perfect people, who sought the help of Jesus on a continual basis.
Thought that might be eye opening or not, to others. Some are forced to work whether they like it or not. So work to have more material wealth at the expense of your children. But I get the guilty stuff, I really do. I still feel the guilt and I am here daily. I worry I am not giving him enough, doing enough, loving enough, helpful enough. This could be hardwired into mom's even on some level? I dunno. I just know that I love my boy and my daughter who is soon to make an appearance. I accept my feelings of guilt, bc in all likelyhood, I will feel them twice as strong as before, and as the author pointed out, I guess it would be a bad thing if I didn't feel the feelings at all. It shows I love my children.
I am sorry for your feelings of guilt as well, where ever you find yourself in life. Maybe they are just present, maybe they are there to tell you to make another choice, if you are able to? Maybe they are there no matter what you do. I dunno. I am just saying, I get it....
Hug
I guess I should also feel guilty that I had typo's and I should have presented a better proof before I ran off to the bathroom, but I guess in the end, I am good with that too. I am only human after all....
:)
I am a new mother who has recently went back to work recently and of course I feel guilty sometimes about not always being there for my child, but I don't think it is something I should embrace. Guilt is a negative feeling which equal not a good thing. I don't get the article. Doing things to keep you from feeling guilty doesn't mean you are embracing the guilt. It means you are embracing motherhood. Which is a more positive way to live in my opinion.