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Subscribe to RSSThe term “bully” is now being used to describe kids still in diapers.
“I was informed by my son's caregiver today that he has turned into a bully,” wrote A.H. on Mamapedia. Her little troublemaker’s age: 19 months. Another post, on Circle of Moms, discussed the proper etiquette for dealing with pre-K bullies on the playground.
It’s important that parents be aware of bullying – especially since technology now makes it possible for kids to terrorize each other 24/7. But is it really possible for a 3-year-old kid to be a bully?
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Bully in training? Or just needs a nap?
Absolutely not, said Dr. Heather Wittenberg, a Maui-based child psychologist (and mother of four). Bullies hurt or intimidate people they view as weaker than themselves. A very young child “doesn’t have the cognitive capability to be intentionally cruel, or to abuse a power differential. You might as well ask them to do calculus,” she said.
Bullying involves planning, and complex thought. “Toddlers are just focused on putting one foot in front of the other,” said Wittenberg. The ability to discern right from wrong (much less how to systematically humiliate a peer) doesn’t really kick in until about age 6, she added.
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Can toddlers be bullies?
Some experts disagree. Josh Mandel, director of the New York University Child Center, warned in an article on Babyzone that bullying behavior can begin at age 4. "At that age it can be mostly physical, but as children get older and better with language, that changes."
And the University of Michigan Health System’s page on child behavior problems says that “even toddlers can be ‘bulllies,’ or ‘bullied.’ In fact, aggressive behavior toward other kids may even peak around age two.”
Wittenberg still isn’t buying it. “They’re using the word ‘bully’ to sub for the word ‘aggressive.’ Two years old is typically a very aggressive time (for children).”
That doesn’t mean you should let your preschooler beat up his buddy at playgroup, though. Parents need to be there, at a watchful distance, helping kids navigate social situations. “You’re kind of like a translator at the U.N. here, helping warring factions to communicate,” said Wittenberg.
Though you may be tempted to swoop and scold, that’s really more for the benefit of the other parents who may have witnessed your diapered darling clock another kid. At this age, it’s best to kneel down and speak calmly, explaining in simple terms how to take turns, or share a toy.
What should a well-meaning parent do if a teacher or caregiver labels their child as a bully? “Any school that understands young children knows that young children will act out aggressively. They need teachers who will act to prevent it, and intervene when it happens, and act appropriately,” said Wittenberg.
“But if they start labeling a 2- or 3-year-old who bites as a bully … that’s a major misunderstanding of child development.”
What do you think? Can toddlers bully?
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I think bullying takes thought, planning and reason, while aggressiveness seems to come as a natural reaction. My daughter is naturally peaceful. She is not in day care, and we don't have any other kids in our area that are the same age. She is used to being around older children that are in good control of themselves, who always treat her kindly. As a result, my daughter lacks aggression because she has no one to fight with. When my daughter was 2 we went to a baby shower, she got to meet a like aged girl for the first time. This girl was completely aggressive and combative instantly. She would actually run after my daughter swinging at her without any cause. I literally had to save my daughter many times to stop this girl from outright attacking her. She was also out of control climbing all over table tops and eating loads of candy. I could have said this little girl was "bullying" my daughter because of the repeat attacks that were ensued upon her, but really, my daughter was the only other little person in the room. She was just going after the only person her size. Her aggression was due to poor parenting, lack of attention, and probably other aggressive children in day care. I believe bullying is spurred out of noticing differences in one another. I would say it's possible that aggressive kids may more likely become bullies. But even then, i think it would have to be repeated or constant aggressiveness, not just a rough and tumble kid who likes to wrestle or has poor self control.
I definately believe bullying starts as young as preschool. As a preschool teacher I see just how cruel kids are everyday. Kids are vicious even at age 3 or 4. I see kids take stabs at others for the way they look or the way they act.