When my son set up his Facebook profile I provided him a list of non-negotiable rules to follow. At the end of my proclamation I asked if he had any rules for me. “Just don’t embarrass me,” he said. 

Fat chance.

I’m his mother. Nearly everything I do embarrasses him. But I try. No holding hands in public, no referring to him as my baby in the written word, and no attempts at the teenage vernacular. Until recently, the lines of his social life and mine have been clearly defined, but Facebook has changed all that. If we’re not careful, our social circles could become unnaturally intertwined, and as the grown-up I feel responsible to maintain the borders of this strange new land.

I believe online social media is the greatest opportunity in the history of parenting. Unleashed into the undeveloped judgment of teenagers, it allows parents unprecedented access to our children's lives—and nearly unlimited chances to screw it up. If you want to avoid embarrassing your child (and yourself) on Facebook, I offer you these best practices I’ve learned (mostly by observing parents who don’t follow them).

1. Don't get personal.

A quick birthday message or “Play hard tonight!” is appropriate, but stay away from inquiries about Jenny’s post-break up emotional state. You’re teaching your child that Facebook is public, right? Before posting something on your child's Facebook wall, ask yourself if you'd tell that same story among a gathering of their friends.

2. Don't friend their Facebook friends.

What better way to gather as much information as possible about your child’s secret teenage debauchery than by digging into the Facebook lives of their friends? It is tempting, but unless you have a personal relationship with said friend, back off. Deal with problems as they arise. Running routine virtual background checks will only drive you nuts, humiliate your child, and waste precious time you could be going through his backpack.

3. Don't engage your child's Facebook friends.

Facebook is not the place to prove you are cool. For starters, you are not—cool, that is. Plus, what do you have to gain from making friends with teenagers. By contrast, your ability to exist unnoticed pays an untold fortune in state secrets from the Teenage Nation. Do yourself a favor and learn to lurk, Lurk, LURK like a Mother.

4. Ignore your child.

Resist the urge to bolster you and your child’s relationship on Facebook. (Duh, that’s what texting is for!) The less you comment or "Like" any of your kid’s Facebook activity, the more likely it is that his or her friends will forget you are there. Then they will feel free to express themselves openly. How else are you going to find out what really happened at Jason’s party last week?

5. Understand that not all parents operate on a non-mortification policy.

You could be the Condoleeza Rice of parental politics and still fail to keep the peace by sharing something you shouldn’t with an over-sharer. Some parents use embarrassment as a parenting strategy—humiliating their kids on purpose. Others just don’t get it. Watch what you say to friends who have different boundaries.

6. Don't tag photos.

Friends and family who see pictures of your kids know who they are. No need to tag, because when you do, those images become part of the child’s profile on Facebook. Respect your teenager’s desire to create his or her own personal. How would you feel if your child tagged that “super cute” shot of you mid-dermatological treatment?

7. Keep your mouth shut.

Not only is it best to be invisible online, but offline too. Unless lives are endangered or health is compromised, it's wise not to speak of the things you learn on Facebook out in the real world. Act on it, sure, but conceal your sources. Otherwise, your best supply of insider information may dry up before you can say, "I thought that boy was in high school."

8. Never abuse your login privileges.

It is crucial to maintain control of kids’ Facebook profiles. You need to maintain the ability to manage security and privacy settings, monitor friends, and make sure you’re not being blocked or shown only the innocent status updates. That said, never login as your children and make status updates or any other action on behalf of the child. It is disrespectful and you don’t speak the language. Trust me, it’s complicated.

9. Communicate how you use Facebook.

Make sure your child understands how you use Facebook. They may see a side of you they don't normally see at home. After all, you're not Mom or Dad on Facebook. You're a whole person, presumably. Being allowed this glimpse into adulthood can make kids feel more grown up, so long as they’re not too surprised about what they see. Also, they might need to keep the Mommy jokes to themselves, especially the ones you wish still went over their heads.

10. Remember, Facebook is pretend.

We've all heard horror stories about romances gone bad because of Facebook miscommunication. The same thing can happen to parents and children. Don't take everything you read to heart. Chances are your kids are only promoting a fabricated persona on Facebook—same as you do.

Are you worried about embarrassing your teenager on Facebook? Or do you reserve the right to do so?

Lela Davidson blogs about marriage, motherhood and keeping the evidence of aging at bay at After The Bubbly. She shares more humorous observations on family life in her new book,"Blacklisted from the PTA."  

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