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Especially when our kids were younger -- but even sometimes today at ages 12 and 9 -- we'd change the channel when "bad" stories come on: a gruesome murder; an abducted child; a plane crash. No need for their young minds to be rattled by real life, we figure, especially when they've got a math or vocabulary test to focus on that day.
So on those bad-news days, ESPN -- with its rollicking round-ups and replays of the day's sports news -- is our good-news fallback.
Until this week, when the Penn State/Joe Paterno/child sex abuse scandal broke.
Sure, The Ravens barely beat the Steelers in a thrilling Sunday night game, and the Colts are still winless. But all that became “blah-blah-blah” amid the awful details of the alleged abuse that took place in those Penn State football showers, in that coach's basement, and beyond, for all those years.
For anyone, it is news that's difficult to hear. As parents of kids the same ages as those victims, we feel particularly outraged. And confused. How do we explain this to our kids, particularly to our 9-year-old, sports-crazy son?
Our son told me Thursday, "Mom, did you know Joe Paterno got fired?" When I asked him if he knew why, he answered: "Not really."
My initial fumble-of-an-explanation (from the parenting school of "when in doubt, tell them only what they need to know") was that a Penn State assistant coach did something really bad to a young boy and when Paterno found out about it, he didn't do enough to help the boy or turn the coach in to the police. For the moment, that was enough for my son. He didn't ask for more details.
But is "something really bad" an adequate explanation for – let’s just say it – raping a boy? No, it’s not. And frankly, we as parents – as the New York Times' Maureen Dowd recently described – are still working up the nerve to have “the conversation” about what really happened.
Dr. Robi Ludwig, a psychotherapist and TODAY contributor, says that no matter how ugly or upsetting the topic at hand is, parents shouldn’t be afraid of any conversation with a child.
She suggests a good way to start, especially with younger kids, is by asking explanatory questions to find out what they know. “Ask them what they’ve heard on the news and get a sense of how they are interpreting the story,” she says. “They may not feel threatened because they see the news as separate from their own lives.”
In the Penn State case, the issue of sexual abuse may seem tough to talk about, Ludwig admits. But parents do best by addressing it head on, she says. Some of her tips include:
Be matter of fact. Tell your kids what the coach did, what he shouldn’t have done, and how they should handle it if it ever happened to them. You can say, “The coach was touching boys where he shouldn’t have been touching boys. And he was asking to do things with boys’ private parts that no adult should ask a boy or girl to do. So nobody touches your private parts except for you. And if someone asks you, you let someone know or you let me know.”
Don’t create paranoia. Ludwig says it’s important to not present the news in a frightening manner, and reassure them that it’s out of the norm. You can say, “Every coach is not a pedophile. There are people like that out there. But hopefully you’ll never come in contact with them.”
Be straight with kids. You ultimately help kids by having a conversation, because that in itself creates an environment of safety, Ludwig says. “When there’s no conversation, it encourages kids to come up with their own fantasies and nightmares.” Talk about it and it becomes a safer topic. And ultimately, Ludwig says, you are expanding what your kids can talk about with you.”
When I told Ludwig I nixed ESPN this week to protect my son from the Penn State scandal, she said it’s not necessary to turn the TV off.
“The news becomes a wonderful springboard for a conversation, if you use it correctly,” Ludwig says.
Have you had the conversation with your kids about the Penn State scandal? How did you handle it?
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Please include the name Sandusky in your link "Penn State/Joe Paterno/Child Sexual Abuse Scandal" title. Joe Paterno did not sexually abuse children. Please include the name of the individual who is charged with the crime.
How lucky am I that I have grown children that can think for themselves? Probably more lucky than most who read this article.
Thanks to MommyA for reminding us that Coach Paterno is not the crux of this problem, merely a much more recognizable name that makes for a more likely to be read headline.
San Antonio investigators are looking into the Alamo bowl where Sandusky coached his last game, and that is WAY too close to home for this South Texan.
Excuse me, but coach Paterno changed the story from "I saw a young kid anally asdsaulted to some kind of sexualy thing happend." Don't be so kind to JoePa.
Joe Paterno didn't see anything. He was not an eyewitness to any of the reported incidences.
See page 7 of the Grand Jury Report. (In fact, see all the pages of the Grand Jury report.)
It wasn't Paterno, Spanier, McQueary, or Sandusky that created this problem. It was the idiots who think college football is so important that this sort of thing needs to be covered up to "protect the program."
http://jgallaghersblog.blogspot.com/2011/11/why-are-you-picking-on-sandusky.html
@ MommyA
Paterno IS the guy who should have done something. He was the BOSS, telling everybody in that campus what to do and what not to do. A phone call from Paterno would have done much more than anything else.
Why are you defending him? He is only "sorry" that the scandal finally came out. He was so arrogant, he wanted to quit at "end the season" AGAIN putting football FIRST. Never mind the child that was RAPED that night.
@Irespond: And who made it possible for him to "put football first?" You might want to think about that before you point the finger at Joe too hard. (Here's a hint: Joe got paid to coach that team. You want to know the real guilty party? Follow the money.)
Don't drop the soap in shower stall at Penn State ( the university not the prison)!
If I had a young son interested in football, I'd tell him to stay away from pederasts. By the way, in many countries the terms "pederasty" and "male homosexuality" mean the same and used interchangeably.
Mike277 Go try your attempts at humor with somewhere else.
All's I can say is THIS SUCKS!
You can tell your child they are never going to Penn State because Football is more important than human dignity and the Faculty reporting crimes against children.
Penn State made 72.7 Million last year. It's all about the Benjamins for them!
The reason for my request is not to defend anyone. This situation is unacceptable. I requested Sandusky's name be added to the link because I feel that when discussing this with our children we need to be accurate. And the accurate thing is that Sandusky is accused of child sexual abuse, not Joe Paterno.
The purpose of this article is how to discuss this with your children. It is important to me to discuss both the legal and the moral aspects of this story. Legally, 3 men have been charged with crimes. Morally, many more are responsible. But, not putting the name of the person that is accused of the crime itself is not accurate. And information that I would include in a conversation with my children.
I agree that the actions of Jerry Sandusky where horrific and what happened to these children is unthinkable and no way am I defending this sick person. The whole Penn State Community feels for these children and as a PSU fan I am sure I can speak for fellow PSU fans that the actions of Sanduskey should not reflect on the University as a whole. We are more outraged then you could even imagine.
I am speaking only for myself, and I hope others will see my points....1st off this is not a Penn State Sex Scandal or a Joe Paterno sex scandal this is a Jerry Sanduskey Scandal and the Media Coverage has been completly misleading and purposely trying to point the fingers in the wrong direction.
The media needs to start stating the correct facts - 1. Jerry Sanduskey in 2002 was not an employee of Joe Paterno or the University. 2. Mike McQueary the Graduate Student that supposedly witnessed, even though he is like 6'4 and 250lbs, he chose to turn and run, not beat the carp our of this guy or call 911. 3. Mcqueary, instead of his first instinct to call 911, he called his Dad for advice. 4. Mcqueary waited until the following morning to tell Joe Paterno. 5. Joe Pateno did not witness anything, he received a 3rd party allegation from a person who felt it was not more important to contact police. 6. Nobody knows what McQueary actually told Paterno. 7. Paterno reported it to the Athletic Director and the VP of the School. 8. The VP of the School is actually the person that oversees the Campus Police Department. 9. In State College Campus Police have full police power.
The comment that this writer and all other media keep stating is that Paterno did not report to the Police - THIS IS A LIE, he reported it to the head of the campus police. He was not a witness, he received the information 3rd party and in theory his testimony is HEARSAY.
Stop trying to crucify a Whole College Community & Coach that over 61 years has shown nothing but integrity!!
THE MEDIA NEEDS TO START TELLING THE COMPLETE STORY & STOP LEAVING OUT DETAILS TO TAKE THE FOCUS OFF THE ACTUAL CRIMINAL!!
I agree whole- heartedly with you . From what you hear from ESPN the entire incident was Joe Paterno's fault or problem . In calling for his termination , ESPN showed itself to be blind to truth and honesty in favor of sensationalism and halfotruth ... which to me is a whole lie .
Until Coach Paterno was terminated ( at thier insistance ) The ESPN talking heads almost forgot Sandusky's name . Joe Paterno was indeed a third party ... he did not witness anything ... he could not testify in court about what The Scum-Bag did to an innocent boy ...and McQuery acted like a coward . Paterno has had his career at Penn State turned into something horrible and he now represents the reprehensible ... and he has done nothing wrong , broken no law nor harmed a child ... But ESPN wanted him gone and his legacy forever tainted ... I have turned off ESPN for the rest of time ... I will not feed to swine that it has become.
I agree with PSUMom. While Joe Paterno is the most recognizable face of the news coverage, it was Jerry Sandusky who committed the unfathomable acts.
This scandal and the related stories have shaken the State College community to the core. Many of us haven't just had to talk to our children about what is going on, but also to talk to our kids who participated in the Second Mile program. For many of us, they are adults or near adults, but it makes the converstation no easier.
Parents should not wait for an event like this. They need to be talking to their children regularly about these types of things. The topics are not easy, but over the years we have seen people from various communities - from Scouts to churches - engaged in horrible behavior toward children. Keeping the conversation age-appropriate, be sure your child knows that, if it is covered by a bathing suit, no one should be touching there except a parent or doctor and then only when neccessary. Be sure your child knows that it is OK to say 'no' to an adult when they feel a behavior is wrong. Be sure they know that these types of things are not the victim's fault and that it is OK to tell someone and to keep telling until someone listens. And be sure they know who the right 'someones' are.
With it being Veteran's Day today, it is also a good time to talk about what a true hero is and about why it is important to remember that these 'bigger-than-life' people are still people. People who sometimes do bad things, have errors in judgement and people with flaws.
We were fortunate in my home, but I know that this is not the case for every home of every former Second Mile kid. It is truly a tragedy that this organization, which has such a noble purpose, was (allegedly) used to prey on the most vulnerable of our children.
Veterans are not all heroes despite the gov't propaganda. No other country in the West is so hopelessly and expensively militarized as the US. Americans fight idiot wars against third rate far way countries for selfish reasons. Then there's Sat. college football to keep the myths of warriorism and US superiority going into another generation. The last war the US won ended in 1945.
You know who is loving this story... Rick Perry. Just sayin'
The Rules of Penn State for reporting crimes. Joe Paterno is guilty as sin too.He knew what the right was to do and ignored it also.
"The Pennsylvania State University does not tolerate sexual assault ... and will prosecute the perpetrators of such acts of violence, in cooperation with law enforcement officials, to the fullest extent possible."
It also says:
"As soon as you have the information, a report should be made to the police, at any hour, and to the office of the Vice President for Student Affairs."
A child saying no to an adult 3X his size, now that is impossible, did the kid say no, yes he did, any person would know that. The child said no, the coach said yes, who wins, you tell me????
Paterno didn't commit these heinous acts but he didn't do anything to prevent them either. He is more than a headline grabbing name, he is a coward and a child rape enabler who has admitted he should have done more. Isn't it as important to talk to our children about protecting those who cannot protect themselves as it is to talk to them about how not to become victims themselves?
Seeing that the kids should have already had the whole good touch vs bad touch conversation, you could just tie it into that. This shouldn't be a conversation that parents avoid having - it would be a perfect time to reiterate the difference and to remind your children to come to you if an adult ever makes them uncomfortable.
To Really?.....My comment was to simply add Sandusky's name to the link. His name has been missing in many, many reports. This does not speak to my opinion on the "right" or "wrong" of Joe Paterno. At this point, Joe Paterno has not been charged with a crime. Personal feelings on the matter should be separated from what exist as the current legal facts.
coonhunter1 banned, derailing about 'faggots' and 'homos'. Avoid antigay slurs, folks.
You tell your boys to stay away from homosexual men. Any man who starts to touch you is bad! Run and call the police.
But I thought they were all heroes!
Joe Pasterno knew about the kid being fondled in the shower by a 60yr old and did nothing, all of them need to go to jail and I'll bet will.
And why you hunter dude are hopelessly passed over for being a ham fisted moron.
Tell them the truth.
Football is more important to most universities than protecting a child from rape. And things like faking grades, raping women on campus, etc. are so much less important than football that it doesn't even merit discussion.
Let them know that watching college football on TV perpetuates this reality. So that's why you watch - because you support institutionalized rape and cheating.
Son,
Bad people due bad things. Sanduski was bad. Paterno was a good coach but he protected a bad man. Penn State is a good college but protected a bad man. Son, don't lose your love of football, but understand that responsible people were wrong in protecting a bad man. Always confront those who do bad things to the young and innocent and strive to ensure justice is served.
Dad
Tell your kid the truth that football is violent and all around destructive along with all organized sports especially team sports.
Competition is socially offensive.
Contact sports must be harnessed; it idolizes the penetrating power of force. The scandal at Penn State is the result of muscle power losing its way. Spy cameras in locker rooms and snitches will help curb the epidemic of sodomy among the young.
What does Kim Kardashian have to say about all of this?
Tell them there are sick people out there in the world, not limited to football or Penn State.
Tell them that parents are the really dumb ones, they let it happen.
No I wasn't there, but parented 3 kids and knew where they were at and what was happening. This did not happen to them.
Obviously (I hope) their parents didn't know what was happening. But obviously they were not there.
Sportsball is a just game to entertain. A few make lots of money doing it, but the players are getting totally ripped off for making Pervert State $50 mil last year in profits.
Too quick to convict here folks. Let us wait until the investigation sheds light on who actually did or did not do what.
I told you son..your mother and I are not going to pay all that money for your college education to attend Penis State..anywhere but there!
That a couple of spineless men (Joe Pa and Mike McQueary) will stand by and do nothing while a child rapist is on the loose.
Even after Sandusky was reported, Joe Pa and McQueary still publicly supported Sandusky's charity which put him in contact with more children. Joe Pa and McQueary are scumbags.
And I would also tell my child: "Football is a very rough sport. It's easy to get hurt and repeated hitting of the head even when you are wearing a helmet is not healthy for the brain."
Seriously, why do so many fathers and mothers encourage their sons and daughters to participate in rough sports? Are they that competitive that they have to see their child's physicality triumph over another? Stop watching those vacuous games on TV and go for a hike or bike ride (helmet included) with that young one of yours.
Tell your kids that PSU sanctioned pedophilia by a member of the coaching staff and that the head coach didn't think it was his business to report it to the police-don't bother with the campus rent-a-cops they looked the other way-. Also tell them that PSU is more interested in getting the big$$$ from the football program and that minors on campus are subjected to being raped.
Tell the kid to go to another school.
Person A tells his boss ( person B) he saw a rape of a child in a college shower ( why child there who knows). (Person B) tells his boss (person C) about it and (person C) tells his boss (person D)..results not a damm thing done by any of them for decades.
THIS IS COLLEGE???
Study shows link between homosexuality and pedophilia - http://www.theinterim.com/2002/sept/02study.html
Timothy dear, the "Family Research Council" is not a reputable organization, but rather a right-wing religious group with zero credibility on any subject.
Now for a scientific fact: homosexuality is normal, occuring naturally in hundreds of species. Homophobia does not naturally occur, but is taught/learned. Therefore homophobia is factually a deviant behavior and the homophobe a perversion of nature.
Yeah. . . that "homosexuality occurs in nature" argument doesn't really cut it. Cannibalism occurs in many species, too. So does what we call "pedophilia." And rape.
This isn't about homosexuality. But, that argument is about the weakest one you could possibly come up with to defend it.
Homosexuality is wrong - dead wrong.
http://thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/labarbera-sanduskys-penn-state-victims-will-grow-up-thinking-theyre-gay/news/2011/11/10/29971
Well timothy, being you believe everything you read, I have an article that is a tell all about the link between hating homosexuality and being homosexual yourself. The louder and more you stand against it the more likely the person is gay, but can't come to grips with it. So they way I figure it Tim, your inside your closet and that door is sealed with super glue. Go ahead crack the door open a bit.
There is only one sure guilty person in all of this, and that is McQueary. McQueary says he saw Sandusky sodomizing a 10 year old. Sandusky says "not guilty". McQueary says he told Paterno the details of what he saw. Paterno says he didn't know the details until the Grand Jury report was released. That takes us back to McQueary, who says he saw a 10 year old being sodomized ... and walked away! Whether that inaction is criminal or not, it is reprehensible and is indicative of McQueary having no - zero -socially redeeming traits.
McQueary didn't report it. He just told Joe Pa.
See this. http://www.veteranstoday.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/MarineinVietnam_saving_children.jpg
This is what you do when children are in trouble and not just walk away and wash your hands of it.