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I’ve given this question a lot of thought since last December, when we learned that Jennifer, our gestational carrier, was pregnant. It has stumped me because merely thanking her seemed inadequate. I feel so much more than gratitude for what she’s done for our family—and for me.
Savage family
L-R: Carolyn Savage, surrogate mother Jennifer Onash, Sean Savage and their infant twins
When I became pregnant with Logan Morell, the genetic child of another couple, after a mistake at my fertility clinic, my life took a challenging turn. My husband and I decided to protect the unborn child I was carrying and immediately reunite him with his genetic parents upon delivery. Those decisions were easy. What proved to be difficult, however, was living with the consequences of our decisions. Since there was no one to call for advice, we found ourselves stumbling through when we really could have used some good “been there, done that” wisdom. Although we are very proud of what we did for Logan, and would do it all over again if faced with the same set of circumstances, there was an emotional toll that I don’t think I fully understood -- until Jennifer delivered our girls to us.
Related: Carolyn Savage on how IVF mistake changed her
Video: Savages say they are 'stronger, better people' for their ordeal
Related: In IVF debate, why 'just adopt' is not really the answer
When Jennifer’s pregnancy first began, we didn’t get our hopes up that it would result in a live birth. The old adage, “don’t count your chickens before they hatch,” takes on a literal meaning for those who have experienced pregnancy loss. When the weeks passed and the proverbial “other shoe” didn’t drop, it was as if a weight that I didn’t even know I was carrying was lifted. I realize now that the burden I was carrying was grief. The loss of the child I brought into this world, but didn’t get to raise, turned out to be a complicated circumstance to live with. (Thankfully, we do have occasional contact with Logan now.) The promise of our twins helped me focus on the blessings I already had. The grace in what Jennifer was doing for us helped me understand what we had done for Logan and his family. How do I thank her for that?
I can’t, not fully. So, instead of just thanking Jennifer, we will honor her. We will honor her by making sure that Reagan and Isabella learn from Jennifer’s kind heart and compassionate soul. Our daughters will always know that Jennifer ushered them into this world. That she nurtured and loved them first. As Reagan and Isabella grow, we hope that they can spend time with and learn from Jennifer. After all, the more loving adults in a child’s life, the better, and Jennifer’s love for our girls is obvious. Most importantly, Sean and I will honor Jennifer by striving to be the best parents we can be.
Honoring Jennifer seems much more fitting than just thanking her. After all, not only did she deliver our children to us, but she also helped me find my way back to my spirit, and that deserves much more than gratitude.
After giving birth to another couple's child as the result of being implanted with the wrong embryo, Carolyn Savage and her husband Sean introduce TODAY's Ann Curry to their twin girls, born via surrogate.
Carolyn and Sean Savage, the proud parents of 5 children, write about their experiences on their blog, Inconceivable.
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Once again the Today Show is honoring the idea of overpopulating our world. This story comes right on the heels of the Duggar's announcement. As much as I enjoy watching the Today Show, I am seriously considering switching to another network just to get away from the idea that more is always better.
How are they hurting you? Such a heartwarming story in a cruel world.
its NOT a heartwarming story...at first,yes but it is very selfish to go to the extremes these parents are going to,just to have MORE BIOLOGICAL kids...good god,they should adopt if they want more!
seriously, please go find another network
While I am happy that everything worked out alright for this family I cannot help but wonder if this couple wanted a family so badly why didn't they open their home to children who are already here and desperately need a home and loving parents?
I understand that it is ideal to have children of your own but we can't always have what we want and that's life. Becoming a parent is more than having babies it's about giving your heart and loving unconditionally, and it shouldn't matter if you share DNA or not. I can't help but feel that invitro is a very selfish option for people who are more concerned with forwarding their DNA to a new generation than really becoming a parent.
Thank Goodness that the Declaration of Independence says that we all have the right for Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. Who am I to say what this woman should or should not do to fulfill her dreams? So, you think it does not matter if you share DNA or not. Well, that is your opinion and you have a right to it. Just like she does and I do.
I am thinking you have never had the anguish of not being able to carrry your own child. If you did you would be a little more understanding. Just because you would not choose that route does not mean its not the path meant for her or for me.
And please share with us about the children you have adopted? I am sure they are awesome and you are very happy with your decision to do this amazing act.
But, if you have not adopted a child or even volunteer at a shelter where children are then your words are just worthless really.
So did you or do you plan to adopt? No need for you to have your own children when there are plenty that need good homes right? Afterall, it's not about the DNA. *eyeroll*
I definitely agree. I'm an adopted child myself, actually. The DNA doesn't really matter, and I don't see why they didn't keep the other couple's DNA child in the first place or adopt.
I actually know Carolyn. I was very lucky to be one of her "reliable girls" and I can tell all of you that you don't just "adopt". It is extremely costly, most countries won't even let you adopt children if you are past a certain age....and who are you to say what is best for any person? Having gone through the wringer myself to have a child, I know more than most the biological urge to give birth to a child, to look at the product of you and your husband's love in the face of your child. I would love to adopt but my husband does not wish to do so and I cannot change his mind. It does take two to tango. Carolyn's calling in life is to be a mother, among many other things. She never intended to get pregnant with the wrong embryo but she gracefully went through a pregnancy, loved a child she knew she could never keep and handed that child to his biological mother. This woman deserves whatever great things can happen to a person. Think about this for a moment as you rush to judgment. How many of you have adopted? You think it is so easy... You have no idea. Think about all of the great things you could be doing with your time other than writing hateful and ridiculous things on a message board. I for one am sad that I let some of you get to me...but Carolyn is special and this kind of drivel needed a response. How dare you write such things about an angel....a true angel. A selfless, loving, fantastic mother who, if we had more people like her, would literally change our world for the better. Let me see you walk the walk that she did and then I'll read your thoughts on the matter.
And to the surrogates reading, I'll be sharing my journey with one and you better believe that she will be my child (ren)'s auntie for life. I already love her. Surrogates are angels on earth.
I loved seeing the Savages story! I was a surrogate for some of our best friends a few years ago after I had my three children. My husband and I (as a gift) asked our friends if we could try a "gestational surrogacy". They had had 10+ years of fertility issues. I videotaped the journey (hoping the process would work) and after implanting 4 fertilized embryos, they too now have twins (a boy and a girl) and one very cool video! Their children are friends with my daughter (who is 13 mos. older) and they ended up moving closer to us in the "burbs". The medical process we thought was fascinating (we had no trouble conceiving) so watching from our friend's viewpoint, UCSF and fertility Docs work was overwhelming. We have so much respect for the patience of any couple trying to get pregnant or adopt a child. Our community embraced the pregnancy, they loved being a part of the surrogacy, and they jumped into help with the crazy 8 mos. of pregnancy with my 3 kids/ twins on the way...we are forever grateful to our friends for taking a risk on us! The John Muir Hospital team was fantastic, so supportive during the ups/downs, but the joy of giving was the biggest reward for myself and my family too! We are the godparents and the kids know how they arrived here BUT we can't WAIT for the day they truly figure it out...the joy of giving a couple a family is priceless. In so many ways over the years, it has touched others, and been the gift that keeps on giving!
Susie Kevorkian (Danville, CA)
Susie@TwoPerkyGirls.com or www.theperkylift.com
You are awesome!
As a therapist and a woman who has had my own issues with fertility I have thought about this family and prayed for them. So good to hear this heart warming story. What an amazing gift that has been given to her.This really made me smile. :)
tesuquemom
"Once again the Today Show is honoring the idea of overpopulating our world. This story comes right on the heels of the Duggar's announcement. As much as I enjoy watching the Today Show, I am seriously considering switching to another network just to get away from the idea that more is always better."
How do you figure that they compare to the duggars with their 19 kids and counting? They have 5 children now.That's a big difference from the duggars. And this family has struggled to have their family. This is a great story about infertility. Obviously you don't know much about infertility so maybe you should read up on it before judging this family. Sean and Carolyn your story made me cry. I am so glad to see you have the children you have wanted for a long time. Surrogacy is great :)
jenfromsocal
"While I am happy that everything worked out alright for this family I cannot help but wonder if this couple wanted a family so badly why didn't they open their home to children who are already here and desperately need a home and loving parents?
I understand that it is ideal to have children of your own but we can't always have what we want and that's life. Becoming a parent is more than having babies it's about giving your heart and loving unconditionally, and it shouldn't matter if you share DNA or not. I can't help but feel that invitro is a very selfish option for people who are more concerned with forwarding their DNA to a new generation than really becoming a parent"
Jen you ask why this couple didn't open their home to kids who need it. Do you have kids? did you have your own kids? If you have your own biological kids then why didn't you adopt? do you know anything about adoption? you can wait 10+ years on a adoption waiting list and still not get a baby. You can be told that you were picked by a birthmom and at the birth the birth mom can change her mind and keep the baby. And that leaves the couple even more hurt. Why choose surrogacy? because you get to choose who carries for you. They get to be apart of the pregnancy.They get to be there for the ultrasounds and dr.s appointments.you get to be a part of the birth of your child. Surrogacy is not all about biological ties. Many couples choose surrogacy because of all the things I pointed out. and with surrogacy very rarely the person carrying your baby backing out. If you have kids and you had your kids easy who are you to judge this family who had to struggle to have their family. You don't know their heartache. So don't sit there and judge this family because of how they chose to have their family. Anyone who sits there and judges people for choosing surrogacy obviously doesn't know much about infertility,the struggle, and the heartache.
Everyone has the right to create (or not create) a family as they see fit. I think what Carolyn did for the other family is truly heartwarming and I am glad that she and her husband got the chance to add to their family as well.