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If your child was being bullied, what would be your first instinct?
If you found out that bullies were hassling your kid, what would you do? Help him rehearse comeback lines? Or show him how to open a can of whoop-ass, and knock those jerks into next week?
Bully-prevention efforts in recent years have focused on identifying the tormenters and enacting zero-tolerance policies. But the new trend in anti-bullying efforts is reaching out to the bullies’ targets, the victims – and teaching them to stand up for themselves.
Scott Thompson, an openly gay Canadian actor and comic best known for his work in “Kids in the Hall,” told PrideSource.com in a recent interview that the bullying he endured as a kid “scarred him terribly.”
Fred G. Korth / Getty Images file
Put 'em up! Some parents are going old-school when it comes to dealing with bullies.
His answer: fight back. “Here's the thing: The world is not kind to us; it never really will be,” Thompson told the interviewer. “But you have to fight back … Fathers should start teaching the boys how to punch. He does that to you, here’s what you do: You f****** punch him in the face,” Thompson told the interviewer.
Thompson’s advice may be extreme, but bully-proofing classes across the country are taking a more aggressive approach to teaching kids how to avoid being victims.
The Gracie Jiu-Jitsu Academy, based in Torrance, Calif., has a Bully-Proof Summer Camp for ages 5 through 14. And Miller’s Martial Arts Academy, in Kirkland, Wash., offers bully-prevention classes.
But hold up: Your youngster won’t learn how to kick the stuffing out of the Mean Kid in these 8-week sessions. At least, not until the last week. Miller believes kids should start with words.
“Learning to set a verbal boundary and getting the kids to set a clear demarcation line is the first line of protection – not whacking someone with a kick or a punch,” said Korbett Miller, owner of the martial arts academy. “I’m giving them the courage – and the permission – to be loud with someone who’s physically threatening them.”
And if that doesn’t work, Miller teaches some “real basic front kicks,” and how to “stun and run,” versus a knockdown, drag-out fight.
“I don’t want to teach kids to be violent – the world is a violent enough place,” he said. “I’m giving the kids pat things they can do, little routines they can practice with their families.”
Of course, it’s possible to take the whole “focus on the victim” approach too far. The London Standard reported recently that students in Essex County were told by teachers to “act less gay” when bullied.
Teens picked on for their appearance, according to the “Anti-Bullying Work” report, were counseled to wear their hair differently. The report was based on evidence compiled from 250 students and teachers in the county, which is less than an hour outside of London.
“That’s just nuts. That’s just sad,” said Michele Borba, an educational psychologist and parenting expert. Borba, who has spoken to countless educators, students and parents about bullying, stressed that children shouldn’t have to change their entire demeanor to avoid persecution.
What kids can do, she said, is learn some basic assertiveness skills that will serve them well with bullies – and in life. In her blog, Borba suggests that parents role-play with their kids, teaching them good comebacks, strong, confident body language and how to stay calm in the face of verbal abuse. (Bullies just want a reaction, she pointed out.)
And if that’s not enough, there’s always a good front kick.
What approaches do you take in “bully-proofing” your children? Do you think a class is the answer? And do you think words are better than fists in fending off bullies?
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As a blackbelt who took Karate growing up I don't think this is a bad thing.... Karate isn't necessarily about fighting, it's about confidence and learning to calm yourself before doing anything rash.
Bullies often pick on people they preceive as weak or not confident enough to stand up to them. Taking martial arts gives kids confidence, not only that they can defend themselves if they have to but by giving them a sense of community and follow through.
I couldn't agree more. As the smallest kid in school, all that fighting back got me was having the nuns asking my parents to remove me from the Catholic School I went to. When I later took Jujitsu, it gave me the confidence in myself that allowed me to move past the bullying I faced. Stand up, don't fight back.
Ace and Mark...I agree. Not only did the Karate (and Jujitsu) teach you self defense techniques, but it also gave you a group (the self defense class) to be a part of and in becoming proficient in a goal you were working on, you gained confidence...all good steps to help keep kids from becoming targets of bullies.
I can so relate to what Scott Thompson had to say in the article. When I was about ten years old, I was small for my age, shy, quiet, and did very well in school. Another girl picked on me incessantly throughout a couple of years and encouraged others to join in the bullying. As she lived only about a block from me, every day walking home from school became an opportunity for her to bully me. My dad went over to talk to her parents in an attempt to put a stop to it...and when it continued, he tried again, bringing me along this time. When the bullying did not stop but even escalated, my dad told me that the next time she laid a hand on me, I was to punch her right in the nose. The girl was quite a bit larger than I was, and of course I was afraid that she would promptly kill me after I would attempt this, but my dad instructed me, and assured me that a well positioned punch in the nose as he showed me would guarantee that her eyes would start burning and watering and she would be incapacitated and unable to do anything to me. The next day the physical bullying started again and I did just as my dad showed me...and it was just as he had said. The stunned bully went down, eyes watering, and never again touched me physically. I thing sometimes, fighting back is the only thing that works.
As for teaching my own kids...I have always taught them to stand up for anyone who is being bullied or mistreated by being isolated from the group. I believe the best way to fight bullying is to teach our kids to not stand silently by and watch it happen, or worse be drawn into becoming part of the abusive behavior. Bullies love control and when other kids won't join in their pack, but instead give the message that their mistreatment of another is not accepted or looked up to, they will often stop. At least with younger children, I believe this usually works well. I also attempted to have my kids involved in different activities and encouraged them in areas that they seemed to excel (as long as they enjoyed the activity) so as to help build their confidence...and I did try to teach them to be assertive when they needed to be.
I was always one of the bigger kids in school, athletic and popular. My father raised me to never pick on someone you perceive weaker then you, that everyone's equal, everyone bleeds the same color, and defend those weaker with the same respect you give yourself. I spent my years picking on the bullies who tormented the "nerds, people who were "gay", and all the other soft targets at our middle/high school. I always told them to hit back because if they were scared of me with no intent to fight me by striking them first they would no hit back. On some occasions they did hit back and then I had to teach them a lesson like opnly someone who was raised to defend themselves could. I recently went back to my hometown for Thanksgiving and went out for a bar crawl with many of the people I went to school with. Let's put it this way, I didn't buy many drinks that night because they were bought by the kids who respected what I did for them. Oh, and the football team is still scared sh*tless of me. All children need to be raised just like my father raised me and I know for damn sure my kid will be too.
See, this is another example where everyone would benefit if all citizens packed heat. Then, that bully says something bad to you, or looks at you funny, and you shoot him in the kneecap. If one of his friends reaches for his, you shoot him too. We need to train the kids, but I am a firm believer that everyone is a marksman, they just need training to believe it themselves.
Really, your suggesting a child shoot another child. That really would work. You can fight a bully without guns or weapons. THe best way is to stand up, it takes the fun out of it for them. I was bullied cuz i was fat but they only took it so far cause they thought i vould fight . i had to stand up for my firends who were also bullied.
Teach them to fight, and to fight dirty. If the bully is bigger, teach your kid to hide behind a corner with a brick.
Time to stop allowing bullies to win. The answer to being attacked, is sometimes to attack back harder and sneakier.
MAN! YOU PEOPLE ARE POLITICALLY INCORRECT! I like it. Now, let's have a revolution to stop all of the political bullying and raping of our grand-children's future.
We used the tried and true old fashioned method - "don't throw the first punch". Being a school volunteer for literally years, one learns about schoolyard dynamics - it's a jungle out there. The principal just doesn't want complaints to the district office, and so usually does as little as possible to help kids being bullied. I told the kids, if you get suspended a week for fighting back, so be it.
Turns out their school days were mostly ok, suburban school. When some little beep tried to get a "feel" from my daughter, luckily the teachers didn't see her slap his face as hard as she could - as her peer group applauded, since he was someone many feared, but he never bothered her again. My son, ever the mild mannered nerd, but tall and physically strong, would protect his smaller nerd friends, so that worked out well.
The problem is that no matter what you teach kids to do when bullied, bullies are just big cowards. As soon as you try to stand up for yourself, that big tough guy's gonna go home and cry to his mommy about how mean you are, and play the victim, and too often the school officials are thick enough to believe that's the case and the kid who was being bullied in the first place gets punished.
No one can be bullied unless he/she allows himself/herself to be bullied. I learned that early and it has served me well all of my life.
do you even remember what it was to be a child when you say kids allow themselves to be bullied? kids by nature have much to learn they don't come into this world with a full set of experiences and knowledge that would enable them to know how to deal with all that life throws their way. your statement is old fashioned blaming the victim, the child, the same stance commonly used against say for example adult victims of rape, e.g. she asked for it, she allowed it to happen. wrong on all counts in all instances. i agree with what is said in the article, parents need teach their children how to defend themselves and also teach that bullying is flat our wrong.
You had an emotional reaction to his statement that caused you to be irrational. It is every person's responsibility to teach others how to treat them. I never took any crap as a child either not even from adults. No one asks to be a victim but it is completely up to you if you want to remain one. Think about it.
And at what point does one who thinks they are simply not allowing themselves to be bullied actually become the bully? There are lots of people in this world who can't understand how kids can be victimized by bullies and the reason is quite simple: Either they never really experienced it themselves and/or quite possibly were victimizers themselves, even though they surely never saw it that way. Many bullies are former victims, after all. At what point does "self-confidence" or refusal to "be bullied" turn into something more? When one loses the ability to empathize with others. Robert clearly has. I'm not saying he was a bully... but with that attitude and clear lack of empathy, some self-reflection might be in order.
Maybe Robert could elaborate more. Maybe he's not really "blaming the victim" or rather that he always stood up for himself if he was picked on.
Funny, this article says to punch him in the face. My husband always told our son to punch him in the nose as hard as you can, the bully will stop then. But he always said the bully has to touch him first.
And when a group of bigger boys gang up on a smaller, younger girl like me, I was "letting" them beat the crap out of me everyday?!
Uhh, 6 to 1 odds anybody?
Please THINK before making stupid comments like that, Ramos.
Robert and diane, the EXACT response of a bully, it is the victim's fault. And do you two STILL pick on weaker people at work or in your families or elsewhere?
That's a dumb thing to say: there is always someone attacking those kids percieved as weaker and they DON'T do it because "the victim allowed it", they do it b/c they have bully parents like you, and they are terrible, weak, awful people like their parents. They do it b/c they are taught by bullies that you get from people whatever they don't physically stop you from taking, rather than being taught not to trespass where they are not authorized to go. They have no respect for others' personal sovereignty. They are human waste. And we need a GOOOOD flush. Whooooosh!
If you learned that "no one could be bullied unless he/she let's himself/herself be bullied"--then it is likely that you were a bully. Most bullies blame the victim--it is the victim's fault for wearing his/her hair wrong, or dressing funny, or being stupid enough to continue coming to the same school.
While bullies exist everywhere--we do need to remember that one doesn't have to passively accept bullying. One can take actions to address the bullying--sadly, we did have to tell our child that she could go ahead and punch the other child who was bullying her, and that we'd deal with the consequences. The threat alone was enough to make it stop--but it's sad that one has to do that.
The problem, however, is that bullies succeed in life. Bullying is rewarded--which is why bullies go ahead and bully. Girl bullies are often worse than boys, having far sneakier tactics. I think that as long as we live in a society that admires those who are aggressive and violent, we will continue to have a severe problem--especially when the bullies are fine with blaming the victims for bringing things on themselves.
you're a douche that isn't true! Many kids just don't have the mechanisms to defend themselves. I was a small girl too being picked on by bigger boys yeah really made myself the victim there, all my fault I know! How dare I be small! Diana you're a bitch! I don't like many people and I have people like you to blame for it. I'm not saying it's not my fault but certainly people like you that have no humanity are at fault as well. Sorry I couldn't be born "a big strong bad ass". Kids commit suicide from being picked on, and you know whose to blame it's not the kid who did it, it's those who drove them to it when school shootings happen they happen because of people like YOU!
You know, as a little girl, I was very small for my age. And boys made the mistake of trying to bully me too. And THEN they found out that little girl had been dancing since the age of four and had legs so strong she could knock the wind out them. I was nine, they were 12. I never took that crap from anyone. I was NEVER one to start it, but I guarantee you, I would finish it.
Years passed and I was in high school, a transfer student rom Catholic school. I looked like some "easy pickins" or this greaser girl who was leader o the "mean girls". After a week of harrassment, she finally locked me in a bathroom with 20 of her close friends and watchers. She swung and I cleaned this heffer's clock. The moral of the story: never pick on transfer students because you don't know who knows how to fight.
My son was bullied by someone 12 inches taller than him. We put a pillow in his big sisters shirt, who was about 12 inches taller than him also. We told him to tell the bully three times to leave him alone, and if the bully kept pushing him, then on the third "leave me alone" we taught him how to lean back and put a full force stomach punch and practiced on his big sister. We told him we would be ok if he was hauled to the principle office. we told him to run like hell once he gave one good punch. The big day came and he told us as planned on the third "Leave me alone" he belly punched the big guy, he fell backwards with the wind knocked out of him, his two henchmen were speechless, the teachers sitting on the fence, turned a blind eye as they had seen exactly the torment this bully had done to my son and the littler kids followed him around for three weeks like little quail. The bully apologized to my son and was never another problem. Teaching kids to stand up for themselves is key, a bully himself has low self esteem, and wants only an easy target. Even a mouse has a self defense, jumping quick, think of the people hundreds of times larger that are terrified of mice, the lowliest, least able to defend themselves creature on the planet. American parents need to allow their kids to stand up to a bully physically, it will do them a lifetime of good.
Force is the only thing that really works , on the school playground or in the mean old world .
Unfortunate as it is, you are correct. Those that do not believe this are in denial.
Revolution anyone?
No D_Loominator: NO revolution. The adults have societal problems to discuss and solve. That's a good boy, off you go.
I will grant that GBaby. Several of them, near and dear to my heart, are being ignored due to political correctness, greed of the rich, greed of the poor, and just plain outright stupidity. I have already tried all reasonable channels only to be oppressed, repressed, and suppressed by the status quo making hundreds of billions of dollars off of exploiting our children. You can stick your head in the sand and pretend whatever you want. I shall do everything in my power to stop the RAPE of personal liberties by the likes of the TSA (and the other gazillion governmental nanny orgs), the RAPE of my children's future by the politicians catering to the filthy rich and the dirt poor, the RAPE of the institution of fatherhood by the NOW and ABA run domestic courts, and start a revolution.
GBaby1 - you've never worked in my office...a bunch of fat "mean girls"
Eh, I don't know.
Teach them to resist a bully by using the bully's tactics?
And, frankly, if the bully is, say, the kid who's been left behind for 3 years . . well, when you're in 4th grade, and your bully classmate is a 4th grader who is the size and age of a 7th grader, there's no way to win, unless the teachers get involved.
In cases where someone who is a smaller, easier target DOES fight back, and hold their ground, at least temporarily, does anyone really think that the bully will always back down? Or will hang out in the schoolyard later, with friends and backup, looking for revenge?
Most bullies don't mean any harm, it's just a hobby.
The bully may not back down if you fight them. They WILL not back down if you're submissive.
It's like that old saying: "Advance and the bullet might miss. Retreat and it never will."
Self-defense isn't a bully's tactic, you're NOT making your kids bullies by teaching them how to defend themselves. You're stopping them from being victims when they're FACED BY A VICTIMIZER, and you teach them how to identify such situations. Oops! I guess you CAN'T outsource all parenting duties to the nanny! lol
Um, excuse me, Mr. Hitler? Yeah, uh, could you, uh, you know, like, leave France and Poland? No? Uh, well, could you at least not steal all the artwork and destroy their national treasures? No? Uh, well, could you at least not commit genocide? No?
Etc., etc. Worked really well back then, didn't it?
Both my kiddos are in martial arts, have been for some time. Great for the mind, body, etc. Side benefit is if ever in a bind, they can do something to help themselves. Best benefit - they carry themselves in such a way that a bully isn't interested in them. Both are on the nerdy side and hang with the nerdy crowd. So far, so good.
Bullies are usually cowards who pick on those they perceive as weaker and easy targets. The only way to make them stop is to come back at them, twice as hard, so they don't ever think of messing with you again.
I was bullied in Junior High School. My parents suggested ignoring the bullies, and when that didn't work, I tried verbal comebacks, which are hard to think up on the fly when you're scared, so that didn't work either. Going to the principal and guidance counselors was useless. What did work was when one of them tried to hit me, and I hit her back. That got everyone's attention, and the bullying finally stopped.
I don't think violence should be the first response, but as the article says, if necessary, a good swift kick or punch can go a long way to getting these jerks off your back. It seems to be the only thing they understand, sometimes.
I was bullied in junior high school also, and to a lesser extent, senior high. i reported the bullying to the teachers, guidance counselors, and principal as well, but the teasing and harassment continued. It got to the point where I was the one that got suspended from school or sent to detention because I took matters into my own hands when it came to my trying to deal with the bullies...I had thrown chairs at bullying students, lost my temper, and in a wood shop class, threatened a bullying student with a hammer. (I was eventually removed from that shop class and placed in a study hall, which I spent mostly at the school library.) School officials had said that because I used violence, I was the one that got suspended. At one point, a bully's parents threatened to sue me and my parents over the hammer incident. Once I graduated, it was a big load off my back. I wasn't bullied at all in college, and I have since attended my class reunions, and have had former bullies apologize to me over what had happened in the past. Getting away from the situation is what worked for me. If I were a junior high/senior high student today, I would have went the online alternative school route. I have since learned that violence is not the way to solve problems, and that avoiding the situation is the best answer. but due to the growth of social-networking websites and the internet in general, today's bullied kids do have it worse than when I was in school in the 1970's, but there are more alternatives to escape bullying as well, with online schools being one of the answers. Fighting may make some people feel justified via turning the tables on a bully, but it could just make matters worse in most cases. Avoiding such situations, if possible (which includes ignoring the bullies) works best.
Standing up is the big point.
I was bullied for years. One day I said enough and fought back and won. Never got bullied again. Wish I would have done that earlier.
I was very short in school and after fighting back I found out, I couldn't really lose even if I lost the the fight.
Being shorter I wasn't suppose to win the fight anyway, but even standing up to a bigger person gained me respect.
But the biggest fear of the bully was the thought of getting beat by a kid smaller then himself.
They didn't want to take a chance on getting beat by me, I already did it once, so they left me alone.
My son now is a Purple belt in karate.
When I was teaching if I tried to intervene in a bullying situation it would stop in front of me, but it also told the bully that they had power over the bullied. It drove the bully to worse behavior behind my back. That doesn't mean adults shouldn't step in when they are aware, but the victim needs to learn skills to fight off bullying attacks. They need to learn not to allow themselves to be bullied or they will be a victim all of their lives.
When I asked my mother what to do about bullies back in the olden days, her advice was to say "Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me!". I followed her advice and you know what? Those bullies promptly picked up sticks and stones and threw them at me. /facepalm
If a child is attacked and does not fight back, it encourages even more bullying. Anyone who knows anything about children knows that.
If a bully attacks a child, the child fights back with a knife and kills the bully child, will the bully child's parents know, and not sue for wrongful death knowing that their kid was a bully and deserved what he got? NO. The parents of bullies don't think of their kids, or THEMSELVES, as bullies and will always defend the actions of the bully. That is why you hear people saying "not fighting back encourages more bullying." Because these people don't think it's their job to stop their kids from being a victimizer!
They think a victim or a quiet, demure kid who seems like a victim, somehow turns a good child into a bully MAGICALLY simply by walking by and keeping to themselves! Isn't that AMAZING how your loving, respectful, kind, non-bully kid just *POOF!* MAGICALLY TRANSFORMS into a basher, trasher, puncher, victimizer when a demure or 'gay-looking' kid walks near them. OBVIOUSLY the 'gay looking' or 'weak-looking' of tired or sick or just 'quiet' kid should completely change his/her appearance/manner/look/walk so that you kind, loving DARLING child won't be so affected by their existence! Right? I mean, IT CAN'T be a parent's responsibility to teach their kid to respect fellow kids sovereignty and leave 'em be cuz if it was, everyone would do it, right?
LMFAO!
Sorry *chuckle* I just love sarcasm!
BTW: Bully kids grow up to be intimidators/abusers of women, kids, animals, and the legal protections of others. Just saying.
First of all..lol at this "new technique"....This was how our folks used to teach us how to deal with bullies...and their parents before them and their parents before them.
Absolutely, I will teach my daughter self defense. Her dad is a black belt in Karate, and blue in Jiu Jitsu. I did full contact kickboxing in my youth. I believe in using your words before your fists. In fact my mom fondly tells of the time that my fourth grade teacher told her that he never worried about me being bullied. If a bigger kid came over to me to bully me he always walked away with his head hung because of something I said to him.
My dad fondly tells of how in third grade, I had to have a parent teacher principal intervention. There was a boy that was a notorious bully on the playground. One day he pushed my friend down and climbed on top of her. I reared back and kicked him in the ribs and sent him rolling down a hill. My teacher and principal didn't know how to react. I was protecting the younger, weaker kid, but I had hurt another child in the process. In the end dad told me to get a teacher. I told him there wasn't one around and he was hurting her. Dad hesitated and said, In this case I think you did the right thing. Just try not to kick so hard next time.
"A new trend?" Bullying has always been around, however, when I was growing up, if someone tried to bully you, you punched him/her in the mouth and they stopped. It worked fine then, and surprise, surprise, someone has come to their senses and realized that it will work today. That is, of course, if you put aside all that insipid "touchy-feely, everyone has to love you and you must love everyone" crap. In the past, when a smack in the mouth was the answer, bullying levels were low and guess what--no one took guns to school and massacred their classmates.
Yes, this is a new parenting trend given that previous parenting trends were about using verbal control and other female techniques.
What makes you think there was less bullying in the past? No, it was just as prevalent. I was bullied, my sister was bullied everyday at school until she graduated. I knew many others who were bullied, some fought back, others didn't. And I grew up in the 60's. But today, instead of a kid dropping out or committing suicide, occasionally now you have a kid who becomes homicidal instead of suicidal. I do not know if it is movies or video games or just perhaps our violent culture. We need now more than ever to try and put a stop to kids bullying. We need to teach our kids not to bully, and to fight back if bullied, and to stand up for others who are being bullied. We asle need to insure our teachers do not continue to look the other way when kids are being bullied. The only way to stop a bully is for others to stop condoning his or her behavior, and to stand up and use force if needed to get the point across. And all those who want to blame the victim need to get a clue. You are blaming the wrong person. The bullies are responsible for thier own actions. No one is making them be cruel to others.
Yall are pathetic really violence only begets more violence! You are turning your children into something no better than the bullies there are better way's to deal with these issues trust me I have dealt with them and I never advocate a child fighting or talking junk that's just wrong and you "adults" should be ashamed!
You're wrong and pathetic. My son will not be a victim so you can feel better about humanity. I've been there and done that I know what works. You avoid the fight and if it works great. But if it doesn't in the end you must defend yourself.
Wrong. Correctly applied violence prevents further violence. My child will defend herself, period. Aggression is wrong, but self defense is self respect.
I worked with grade school age kids for about 10 years and saw bullying in all its various forms and I can say with a good degree of certainty that fighting back, paticularly among the young kids, is great for everyone involved.
Kids in our society in the past couple decades have learned to everyone else's detriment that it's 'not ok to hit' under any circumstances so most bullies have figured out that the vast majority of people will just never do anything back and there's never been any meaningful, lasting consequences for it. This has left the 'good' kids bitter and demoralized, because they don't believe in the system and they don't have the tools (feeling capable of physically defending themselves) to believe in themselves. Not everyone wants to have a physical confrontation, but there's value to one's self confidence in knowing you can should the need arise.
As someone who fell on both sides of the bully/victim dynamic at different times during childhood I can say whole heartedly that the longer a confrontation is delayed the more significant the final confrontation will become. The bully continues to gain power until firmly ordered to do so verbally or physically. Allowing kids to learn the value and limits to phycical confrontation while still having the high levels of adult supervision is far better then the alternatives today.
I think it is way too easy for those of us not in the heat of battle on the playground to sit back and say; oh just ignore the bully, or just use your words. That may work for resolving conflict with your average person, but the fact is you have to consider the mentality of that bully - you can't reason with them and they just aren't going to understand anything else. There is a time for reason, and a time be physical - learning what is appropriate when is a worthwhile and extremely valuable life lesson.
lmetayer wrote "Yall are pathetic really violence only begets more violence!"
Nonsense. Most, including me, have stopped bullies with physical resistance. The bullies will move on as the cost of bullying increases.
What is pathetic is the statement ""Yall are pathetic really violence only
begets more violence!" Have you even raised kids? I have run across
bullies and have been picked on. If you do not stand up for yourself it only
gets worse because you are a soft target. Teachers and schools do squat even
though there is a zero tolerance policy. It usually only takes one time to stand up for yourself and it stops. The bully moves to the next target. Welcome to 21st
century.
Quite the opposite, Imetayer! I recall, when I was about 10-11, there was a kid in our neighborhood who bullied all of us. I was never much of a fighter, and rather light weight in build, and I took his abuse for what seemed like a long time. Finally after a few bouts of pushing me around in my own front yard, I reached that point where I really didn't care anymore, and laid into him. We both fought tooth, and nail till we were both totally exhausted. What stuck in my mind, while the fight was in progress, was that all the other kids that put up with his BS, were cheering me along, where as before, they were always silent. After the fight, he never messed with me again.....and we became friends! LOL!! Go figure! OTOH, were this to have occurred while I was in, say...high school, it most likely would have ended quite differently. Oh, the fight would have occurred, but friendship afterwards?? LOL!! I don't think so! :O)
lmetayer, so what is YOUR solution?? Enlighten us.
May I also make a suggestion to parents of the self-defending kids? If your child sees bullying, have your (hopefully karate or self-defense trained) child befriend the kid whose being bullied, and maybe teach the kid some moves? Often, kids of single parents haven't the resources to put their kids in self defense training and your kid could do some good and end up w/ a lifelong friend. Just a thought.
Vincent Denali absolutely hit it on the head. To the bully, it's about the cost of bullying. Even if you don't win the fight, if you can get in a shot (or something dirtier, like a bite) and draw some of the bully's blood, it's no longer "free" for him.
I am for this 100%! Tired of the bully being treated like a victim and while other students have to be distracted by fear. My daughter knows the process and when it isn't working as the channels are "designed" to - she can make a statement with her fist...but she knows that has consequence as well. Being a doormat is a very hard way to live.
Bottom line. I would rather my kids be suspended from school for a week after beating a bully than take on the torment for years. Kids are extremely cruel. They only understand getting their teeth kicked in. Kids are like wolves in that they will pick on the weakest one. If your child is percieved as weak and tells, he/she is labled a rat and will still get beat up on even worse. If they ignore it, they will continue to be harrassed. I tell my nieces and nephews. If your personal space is ever invaded, punch them dead in their mouth. That will end that nonsense. I got news for a lot of you people here... IT IS VIOLENT IN SCHOOL! Your kids aren't going to be the ones to change that. It is your responsiblity to teach them to survive it. Bullies start fights. Teach your kids to end it.
i know that this is extreme but i have made it known that bullying me could result in the bully getting shot
No need to go that far. And if people realized that you can simply fight back, nobody would bring a gun to school.
Far? Yes. That's going a little far but when you've known and put up with bullies who will "go the distance", it's always good to give them a warning before dishing out their comeuppance. Bravo, Kappa: I second.
kappa - If you said that just "for effect", and it worked, guess it's ok. But if you said that in a state of rage, and have the means to do it - please talk to someone who you trust to work through those feelings. THEY AREN'T WORTH IT, don't ruin your life, please.
It's about time. I was endlessly bullied in grade school. One particular kid made it his mission to torment the living daylights out of me. One day, he slapped me in the face with a wet leather glove. I'd finally had enough. I yanked his stocking cap down over his face and let him have it with a right cross in the nose. His nose started bleeding like crazy and he's hollering at the bus driver. Gee, the driver didn't see a thing.
It was the last time I had trouble with him.
My daughter had a kid who was bullying her on the playground. She'd gone to the teacher and the playground person, but nothing was done. I told her to let him have it the next time. She slugged him and that was the end of her torment as well.
No one should have to tolerate that nonsense. Try to work it out, but if that doesn't do the trick, then they deserve what they get.
And, yes, I'm a mom, not a dad.
because i was an "egghead" bookworm who wore glasses and had a different sounding name i was subjected to bullying in elementary school. it made me live in the gym in the weight room and get on my school's wrestling team. it also was good that i had older brothers who made me slightly crazy by always making me fight them. i got very good with my hands. i have surprised a few people who came to pick on the bookworm.
eventually when i was in high school benching over 200lb and grew to a hair under 6' and and had the habit of getting full tilt nuts when provoked people who had sense left me alone
i also took to heart a saying from my mom
"don't start no mess, but don't take none either"
"don't start no mess, but don't take none either" I like that saying. Might use it in the future for my two boys.
Glad you got through it well!
Bullies only learn to stop when the consequences of thier bullying are painful and therefore memorable. My children know that if the school system unjustly suspends them for such acts of self defense, I will buy root beer floats and play XBOX with them while they are suspended. I believe when kids are not allowed to put a end to bullying with appropriate force, they are more likely to feel the need to use excessive force. Since I cannot, and the school cannot, protect my children all the time - my children must learn to protect themselves.
In my experience when an adult told a child to ignore a bully, it was usually becuase they had no other usefull advice to give and wanted to say something to make the youngster go away and leave them alone. Also from my own experience, ignoring a bully was as effective in stopping bullying as ignoring a house fire hoping the fire will just 'go away'.
IMHO, there is no one right answer to dealing with bullying. Each situation and bully needs its own solution depending on the conditions. This requires thought and effort, something we humans seem to want to avoid at all costs, even if it means resorting to 'quick fixes' such as resorting to 'ignore them and they'll tire of bullying and leave you alone.'.
Yeah I never understood the whole "ignore the bully" concept. It is nearly impossible to do in my experience, because the bully can tell it bothers you just by your body language.
The only fights I've ever been in were to stop a bully. Oddly enough, a couple of the people I got in fights with actually became my friends.
Eric M wrote "In my experience when an adult told a child to ignore a bully, it was usually becuase they had no other usefull advice to give"
Right on. Ignoring a bully works for a few minutes until they start throwing you around.
This would be a great class for any community/neighborhood. I would hope they spend some time also going over what to do if you find yourself a bystander to someone else being bullied. I would always hope my kids would step in when they see someone defenseless being picked on!
Our local school system has a group of students in middle school undergoing training as "peacemakers" in bullying situations. They're being trained to stand up for victims, defuse the situation, resolve conflicts, etc. While I don't think such programs should preclude physical self-defense, I do think they could go a long way toward preventing or minimizing bullying.