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Ok, ladies. No judging today!
When’s the last time you judged another mom? In the school drop-off line when a mom came wearing (gasp!) pajamas? At the park when you saw a mom give her infant a bottle of (gasp!) formula? At a restaurant where you saw a mom detach from her toddler’s (gasp!) tantrum?
Well… no more judging. At least, not for today.
TODAY Moms is joining REDBOOK magazine in declaring today “No Judgment Day” for moms. The magazine’s effort to “end mom guilt now” is a movement meant to banish mom-on-mom criticism and instill some mommy pride among the mommy masses, says REDBOOK Editor in Chief Jill Herzig.
Live Poll
Are you a judgmental mommy?
“One of the things we really like to stand by is the idea that we [moms] should all be listening to each other,” says Herzig. Instead of coming down on one side or another, we should tap into the great diversity of mom voices out there, she adds. “And if you tune into enough people, you will always find a like-minded person, who can help you.”
Herzig, a mom of two, believes that guilt and judgment go hand in hand. “If you didn’t feel there was a whole peanut gallery judging you, you wouldn’t walk around with guilt,” she says, adding that this time of year she feels guilty for not ever having sent out a holiday card with her daughters’ picture on it. (Her kids are the one who judge her with “Mom, what, are we not cute enough?!”)
“We are all juggling balls. We all have strengths and weaknesses,” Herzig says. “Let’s take one day to admit we are all not perfect.”
We couldn’t agree more. After all, in our TODAYMoms/Parenting.com survey of 26,000 moms, we were amazed to find that 90 percent of us judge other moms, for everything from breast-feeding habits to bratty kids.
REDBOOK
Happy No Judgment Day!
Almost every day on our TODAY Moms Facebook page, we see discussions on hot-button topics (think vaccinations or co-sleeping or messy kids) that can, in an instant, go south into the deep, dark, world of mom criticism.
Don’t get us wrong -- we think issues should be debated. But there’s a big difference between offering an opposing point of view and attacking an opposing point of view.
So, in the spirit of peace and harmony (hey, it’s the holiday season, right?), we think taking a day off from judgment could be pretty inspiring.
To kick off its campaign, REDBOOK’s new Motherboard Blog Council weighs in by filling in the blank: “Don’t judge me because I …” One blogger wishes people wouldn’t judge her because “her house is always a mess,” while another wants less judgment for “still hitting the clubs at night,” and another doesn’t want to be judged “for having a big family” (9 kids).
Go to our Facebook page and fill in your own blank. What do you wish other moms would not judge you for? You can also join us by tweeting @todaymoms @redbookmag with your own #dontjudgemebecause (____) confession.
Oh, and if you don’t want to tell us, don’t worry. We promise we won’t judge you.
"Like" TODAY Moms on Facebook, and follow us @TodayMoms
Leave a Comment:
Bravo! My kids are now 20 and 17, no one cares at this age who got toilet trained at what age, who used disposable or cloth diapers, who was breast or bottle fed, who at age three drank coca-cola or juice at McDonald's.....moms, just enjoy your kids and support each other!
And that's how it should be, but there are way too many judgmental moms out there, I have experienced their wrath, even though I never asked for it, and they are imperfect themselves in more ways than one.
One thing is to judge someone in your head, another is to vocalize and direct that judgment and hatred to someone who didn't ask for your opinion. Mind your own business and live and let live, guys!
Don't believe me about the amount of judgmental moms? Look at the poll results: Out of 579 people, 47% have voted as being judgmental moms!
The vast majority of women I know and have met in my life are NOT like this...They may be judgemental in "theory" if asked for their opinions about certain choices, but are very supportive with anyone they actually know or meet even briefly. I do not think that poll is representative but feeds the stereotype of women at each other's throats.
Oooo, AP-1414066, I gotta disagree with you on that. The level of judgement you are aware of or subjected to depends on your situation--whether you happen to have some of the characteristics that tend to be judged, what kind of people you are around, whether you have much choice about who you are around, whether you even notice the judgement that IS happening around you. People are aware of it to different degrees--we all have strengths, and some people are really in tune with the dynamics around them, while others blissfully are not. You can only speak from your own experience, and in the larger scheme of things, that's very limited. So, don't be so quick to decide that acknowledging the problem is feeding a stereotype. Self awareness is the first step towards change--articles like this one can help.
Spacey: That's why I made the distinction of how people respond when they are ASKED to judge vs. what they do day to day. It's the first that feeds the stereotype of surveys like this. Of course ALL people, men and women, judge each other...but women in particular get this rap and I believe it to be an unfair one. I think we do sometimes hear and see what we expect and most of us expect women to be at each other's throats. I find women all around who are terrific and supportive of each other in all kinds of situations...very eager to help each other. Exceptions? of course..neither gender comes in one "type". I just don't think women have any kind of a market on stereotyping.
Deleted for duplicate post.
Why should this concept be limited to only one day!? The world would be a better place if the human race stopped judging each other...not just for today, but everyday!
AGREED!!
It's too much pressure as it is to deal with the "Daily" peer-pressure of looking like the models only HOLLYWOOD deems "acceptable". And the pressure of buying EVERY technology gadget to keep us and our kids in an "acceptable" social status ~ iPad, iPod, iPhone, iPRESSURE!! And add our economy and financial burden, we wonder why our world is "Pill~Happy".
It all inner-twines like a tornado of HATE and JEALOUSLY with the pressure of "Keeping up with the Jones' " in an economical resession topped with media telling us ALL how to look, what to wear, how to speak and talk in acronyms and smilely face icons and spend all our money (usually credit) on which phones and wii games to play with ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
RESULTS??
~~ People are given FEW CHOICES but to simply "Beat em' -OR- Join em' " ~~~
Judgement of others for any reason gives people power, release of anger/anxiety/jealously, or gives "Chaty Cathys" a reason to live!!!
I was continually judged for being too lenient to my kids and spoiling them rotten.
Other moms and dads selected elective classes for their kids. I let the kids chose their own electives because I wasn't going to take the class for them.
My kids have all turned out to be fantastic adults and I don't regret their upbringing at all.
I used to be judged all the time, when my kids were little and it was very stressful and made things much much harder. Everyone is good and does their best. Stop judging.
How about not judging those who are childless. I can't tell you how many subtle digs, passive-aggressive comments or judgmental looks I've had to endure when I mention I don't have kids. And most of them don't know the heart-ache I've experienced because I wanted kids and couldn't have them. So why don't we lightened up with everyone.
Here's a novel idea: Who gives a rat's ear what someone else thinks? You owe them nothing and should never respond. Their unsolicited opinions are just as important as someone on the other side of the world, or another planet.
Grow up, become mature and stop all this sissy stuff. It's for little girls, not women.
“Don’t judge me because I …” am a man with no desire to be a mom, or play mommy, or change your kid's diaper, or hold the fussy little cretin. I don't have kids (yet) on purpose, and I don't want your mom-responsibilities hoisted onto me because I have two free hands!
--aggravated husband whose friends are all reproducing at an alarming rate
I'm not a mom and I've always said that parenting is the hardest job on the planet, bar none. - But I do try to understand that the mother who appears to be ignoring her child in a tantrum, could be having a bad day, letting the kid cry it out rather than re-inforce with negative attention, or just plain fed up at that moment -But there are two place where I do, and will vocally say so, judge - is on a plane and in a restaurent - if you have a young child who is prone to tantrums, or crying or attention getting - do not fly or take them to a public restaurant. If you must fly, find a way to keep them calm and QUIET. - In a store I can walk away, in a plane or a restaurant I can not. Many years ago, I visited Holland and was suprised to learn that the common, un-writen law was that one did not take very young children to a restaurant. A law I'd like to see here. Unless of course, those very young children can be calm and quiet. - I don't judge, but I do require common courtesy from those around me.
*
Sorry Kate: but where on earth would you find a parent (mom or dad) who can predict their toddler or young child can ALWAYS be counted on to behave in public no matter what precautions they've taken?? Yes, of course, you can demand they never ever go out in public or ONLY go to McDonalds, but somewhere, sometime, they're going to have to venture out into public and run into adults not happy to have them there in any condition. I get it...mine are well past that stage...but have some sympathy...it doesn't last. Everyone grows up eventually.
Kate - I completely agree with you on the restaurants. I cannot count the number of times a special night was ruined by a baby or young child who obviously was uncomfortable at said restaurant. I also cannot count the number of times that my husband or I had to leave a special dinner with our little one because she was uncomfortable.
AP is right, it doesn't last and everyone grows up eventually so sit out the nice restaurants until your children can handle it. At the very least be ready to leave when your child is clearly telling you they have had enough - because it is at about that time that the other patrons have had enough as well.
A crying baby ruined my speech at graduation. The parent refused to take the baby out of the auditorium to calm it down, and afterwards everyone kept coming up to me saying, "Great speech, if only the baby hadn't been crying". I was really angry because I worked hard for four years to be valedictorian, wrote a well-thought out, engaging speech, and had it ruined by one rude individual (the parent, not the baby, the baby was obviously crying for a reason that said parent was too stupid to react to). Point is, if you are in attendance at any kind of ceremony (wedding, graduation, funeral, church service, etc) and your kid is crying, the polite thing to do is to remove them from the room until they calm down. If you can't handle that responsibility, I'm sure there is a teenager on your block looking to make some extra money, so hire a babysitter for those situations.
I apologize if I sound like I'm ranting, but even six months later this still bugs me.
That used to be the rule here in the US too -- at least among people with manners. And people didn't use the f-word in public, let alone m-f, or blast their music, or indulge in a plethora of other rude, crude, obnoxious, and selfish behavior that is so common as to be completely unremarkable today.
It was a nicer place back then.
Not a likely probability.
Don't judge me because I went home from the hospital 7 lbs under pre-baby weight. (NO it is NOT a good thing! the first person to say they're jealous or remark how they wish they had that problem will get socked in the eye!!!)
I had hyperemesis and cannot relate at all to the approximately 98% of moms who didn't have it in pregnancy. to learn more, go to www.helpher.org
Congrats. And your point is...?
AMEN!!!!!! I had it during one of my 3 pregnancies and while I only gained 19 lbs. with that one compared to 29 & 31 with my others, it was SOOOO not worth the 9 months of constant morning-, noon-, and night-sickness!
Mothers tend to be so judgemental of other mothers to make themselves feel better about how they are raising THEIR kids, because they fear that other mothers are in turn judging THEM.
It's really a vicious cycle.
Maybe I'm just a lucky guy -- I've never heard my wife blab about other mothers.
(for the record, my wife is a great mother.)
THANK YOU!!!!! Geez, from the comments here and with all the stereotyping, you'd think that wasn't even possible!!! She must live in MY neighborhood!)
Uh oh,
Just realized maybe this isn't the place a father should be posting. My bad.
Sorry. Nevermind. (Not sure what else I'm s'posed to say..?).
(I love women!)
9 kids?
Gee lady, I like my cigar too. But I take it out every once in a while.
There's an attitude problem here that's exacerbated by the first paragraph: "In the school drop-off line when a mom came wearing (gasp!) pajamas? At the park when you saw a mom give her infant a bottle of (gasp!) formula? At a restaurant where you saw a mom detach from her toddler’s (gasp!) tantrum? "
The last example is the big one. For whatever the reason may be, a parent -- mom or dad; doesn't matter -- should have the sense of etiquette to remember that they and their screaming child aren't the only ones in the restaurant. They are in a public place and much like if a smoker were to casually blow cigar smoke at your baby, would you tolerate such personalized invasion? I mean this in that the person doing the act -- the cigar smoker, for example -- is simply minding his/her own business, but that second-hand smoke just invaded your space and your baby.
So how is that different from the screams echoing across the restaurant, disturbing other diners?
This is the sort of detachment that gives parents of young children a bad reputation, and these sort of "awwww, it's okay" garsh-shucks types of enabling only make that worse.
Just because a restaurant is nearly empty, does that give a family carte blanche to allow their toddler daughter with the squeaky shoes to run all over the main dining room, to the dismay of the few other diners as well as staff who STILL have to work?
"No judgment" may be meant well, but be cautious about making such blanket statements without looking at the other side of the coin. Adults who do this may not be aware that they're simply providing an example for more "but I WANNA do it!!!" selfish tantrum-inducing attitude exhibited by the smaller child rather than preaching tolerance.
judgement i have found is based from jelousy, my mother in law was a horrible mother ,even my husband will tell you that she drove a truck,stayed gone all the time ,and was verbally and physically abusive, i on the other hand am a stay at home mom of two great boys, they are my life and my pride and joy ,my mother in law constantly puts me down for taking care of my boys and her son, says im spoiling them and they will never be able to do anything on their own. she has told horrible falsehoods to my family and hers to try to get ppl to not like me, her judgement of me has put a strain on my marriage and made me second guess myself at times,sometimes ppl dont realize how much they hurt others with their judgemental ways. i would love a no judgement year not just a day and it should be a law to stick to it ,lol
I have been a stay at home mom, a working mom with dad at home, worked part-time and now work full time as a single mom...it is all hard work, no matter what, so yes, let's be nice to each other...