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Subscribe to RSSA while back I went on about how I’m such an easy-going dad that I could never judge another parent for doing the best they can. So imagine my surprise when I saw that moms recently had a “No Judgment Day.” I thought the matter was settled.
Because it’s pointless, right? I realized that anew when I read comments from 1) moms who don’t want to be judged for being stay-at-home moms, and 2) other moms who don’t want to be judged for sending their children to day care. Or moms who don’t want to be judged for breastfeeding in public, while others don’t to be judged for feeding their kid formula. I mean, when the judgment is coming from all quarters, what’s the point?
Perhaps my judgment about judging is a bit skewed – for the past few weeks I’ve been walking on eggshells around here because the light of my (and my wife’s) life has been a Screaming Toddler from Hell. It’s a simple, unavoidable, you-know-it’s-coming phase of a kid’s life, but nevertheless it’s made me a raw nerve. NJ has thrown more tantrums lately than Tony Romo has passes.
Bob Trott
Bob Trott and daughter NJ
NJ wants to climb into her dinner table chair alone – tantrum. NJ wants to go into the kitchen but not if she has to walk by me – tantrum. NJ isn’t ready for her bath – tantrum. Daddy looks at NJ wrong – tantrum. Rinse, repeat.
So if you’re looking to judge me, use this: Sometimes I feel like tossing my only child out the window.
The tantrums are terrible. They’re a daily occurrence. They’re so bad that she’s even aware of it, I think, because she’s always agreeing when my wife or I ask her if she needs a time-out. In fact, she usually smiles and eagerly trundles off to the spare bedroom where the time-outs take place. This makes me stew with rage – as much rage as a mild-mannered doofus like me can muster, anyway.
Now, I get angry at a lot of the usual B.S. that ticks off most people. Are you in front of me on the road and driving under the speed limit? Die. After you get out of my way, that is. But I’m the strong, silent son of a strong, silent man and I keep my rage bottled up inside me, like you’re supposed to. (What’s that? One day it’ll all boil over and I’ll foam with unstoppable rage like someone dropped Mentos into Coca-Cola? Pshaw! I’ll be fine.)
So when I read this Deadspin.com post by Drew Magary (caution: salty language!), I actually said “Yes!” out loud, pumped a fist in triumph and mentally high-fived myself six times. This comment, in particular, perfectly sums up the difference in my demeanor pre-baby and post-Terrible Twos:
“Ten years ago, I was a perfectly normal human being who never yelled at anyone and would go out of his way to avoid fights and/or confrontation. Nowadays, I'm a bug-eyed rage demon who starts yelling the second something gets thrown across the playroom.”
Except that I don’t yell. I clench my jaw and squint my eyes and get quiet and sullen until you think I’m going to explode. And I think that my beautiful, bright, loving daughter is a terrible person. And then I realize that actually makes me a terrible person, and I resent her just a little bit more for bringing that up.
So in the spirit of the “Don’t judge me because I …” campaign, here are a few more for you. Don’t judge me because …
I called NJ a Screaming Toddler from Hell. Unless you, too, were reaching for a pillow to put over your head at 1 a.m. today because the baby monitor was about to blow a fuse. It was a stunning, upsetting wall of sound. Breathtaking, even.
I get snippy with my wife for turning up the baby monitor to almost its highest volume. When the kid shrieks at 1 a.m., it’s as though you’re standing four inches away from Pearl Jam’s stage speakers. C’mon! (“What do you care? I’m the one who’s going to go down there,” my wife replies. Which misses the point, I think, but still: Touché. I’ll allow it.)
I’m tired of how the kid’s affections for me ebb and flow like the tides. This is something I’ve mentioned before, and while it’s still going on sometimes (the recent spike in Terrible Two-ness has been brutal on this front), I’m trying a new tactic: I give up. I just walk away and start reading or watching TV or whatever and wait for her to calm down. Which makes sense, but I still feel bad about it – I judge myself for it, pretty harshly. But you shouldn’t.
Anyway, as she’s toddling off to bed nowadays she says “I love you, I had a fun day with you” with a cheery smile – even when we didn’t spend the day together – right before hugging me and planting a wet kiss on my cheek. It’s canned, it’s memorized, and it makes me forgive all transgressions. Every time. Even when I know she’ll do something the next day that will leave me seething.
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No judgment here! I have a 28-month-old daughter myself. This morning, I dared to attempt to brush her hair. Oh, and the raisins weren't mixed in to the raisin bran well enough (apparently they have to be COMPLETELY covered by the flakes before she'll eat them, and part of a raisin was showing). *sigh* I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...
I wonder if these tantrums are just a kid's way of learning coping skills - and if we should encourage them because of it. Maybe walking away is the best response. Not that I would know - my twins are just 12 months.
I love this blog.....I was worried that my 2 year old is going absolutely balistic but I guess it is normal. Last night he wanted to go play so I said go...he started tantrum because he wanted me to go play with him so I went and he started screaming even more because he did not want me with him so I was leaving and he was screaming NOOO, MOMMY PLAY!!! So I really did not know what to do so I left and started cooking dinner. Well he was going at it way past the dinner time. He calmed down during bath time but then he started again during bed time routine and when he did not stop for me to read him a story he had to go straight to bed and let me tell you....I had to go outside for couple minutes just to run away from the screams...
Im still trying to figure out why my son says NO to everything- even things he wants to say YES too!
My husband and I walk away from the tantrums. After 45 minutes of pure siren screaming it's all you can do!
Bob, your article resonated with me and no, you're not a bad parent if the Terrible Two's make you a bit loco. If they're old enough to sit up then they're old enough to be plopped into a corner to sit for five minutes and stare at a boring wall while they calm down. Don't start out at five minutes, of course, but set a timer for one or two minutes and then every time they act out they get one more minute tacked on. Patience, patience, patience.
That spare bedroom where her timeout takes place could be the fun she's wanting instead of having to do what you're asking her to. So instead of letting her have her own room to roam in or a bed to roll around in- restrain her to one certain small spot staring at a wall and make her stay there until behavior improves. She's going to say no no no no no until she's red in the face but being sent someplace she obviously likes isn't exactly a punishment.
I have two boys 16 months apart and lemme tell ya- the neighbors HATED us while we sorted out what to do with them. It was like they fed off one another's bad days. It was a nightmare! Once we started giving the time outs in the corner it got worse before it got better, but it did get better. They learned that acting inappropriately was not going to get anything except a swift negative reaction from us and it would get them bored REALLY quick. We don't leave our kids to scream for more than five minutes. That is just socially unacceptable. And if you want to talk about 'well, it's in our HOME', take look around. You've got neighbors, and yes, they can hear your screaming toddlers through their walls, closed windows, and over the sound of their air conditioner.
My husband wants another child. hehehee.. I don't think so. Having two going through the Terribles was enough to cure me of my baby lust.
Seeing parents blithely walking through a store with a screaming toddler in their cart makes me seethe. Take their butts into the bathroom and give them a swat on the rear end and talk them down. Or, take them out into the car. My ears are precious commodities and I don't need my ear drums bleeding because of idiot parents who can't control their children in stores. They literally act like they don't care! Like, they've got ear plugs in or something. I don't see how they can do it.
I hear a screaming child and it puts me on edge. I start automatically looking around for the parent. Most of the time what I see isn't pretty. You have kids but don't want to mind them? wth?
No--my neighbors cannot hear any screaming through the walls or through their windows. If I open the windows, they can. If they stand outside of my windows while they are closed, they will hear it faintly. But, no, they cannot hear us and we cannot hear them. Heck, I can barely hear their dog barking in the back yard unless I listen for it. Not everyone has thin walls or no yard.
And, if a screaming toddler bothers you--try going to the other end of the store. And, if it still bothers you--you need to go and see a therapist. You have to be in close proximity to a child before it is loud enough to "make your ear drums bleed." Other parents can tolerate it because, my dear, you are exaggerating the degree to which the screaming of toddlers bothers other people. Or, well, should bother other people. The less the parent does to react, the sooner it tends to end.
But, yes, I'm familiar with the banshee shriek. I mistakenly left the windows open once, and the people doing street work wondered if I was torturing my kid. Fortunately for me, they did not call the Child Protection people--though it wouldn't have taken the CP people long to figure out that she'd just had a fit (she was probably fine and bubbly an hour later). I only had to walk downstairs to get away from it--it really is not all that loud at a distance of 10 or more feet with a floor in between.