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Subscribe to RSSHaving a miscarriage is bad enough, without having to hear insensitive comments from friends and family. Unfortunately, many women have to deal with both.
One of the worst things to say to someone who’s had a miscarriage is “at least you have other children,” according to the blog “Things People Said After My Miscarriage.” (The very worst thing you can say, according to the blog: “It’s nature’s way of getting rid of an unhealthy baby.”)
But what if that someone is Michelle Duggar, mother of 19 children and grandmother of two, who, with husband Jim Bob, revealed Thursday that her her current pregnancy has ended in a miscarriage? How does that complicate matters?
Related: Michelle Duggar, mom of 19, suffers a miscarriage
“Because the whole world knows she has lost this child, it might make it very difficult for her,” says Patricia Loder, executive director of The Compassionate Friends, a nationwide organization that provides support to families who’ve lost a child at any age. Loder’s 8-year-old son and 5-year-old daughter were killed 20 years ago in a traffic accident that she survived.
“I’m sure people are going to say, ‘Well, she’s already got 19 kids. This was God’s will. This was the way of doing away with a mistake.’ All of those terrible things that people say,” Loder says.
But, says Loder, “It’s not for you or me to judge or to say this was God’s will. This woman is mourning the death of this baby that she wanted as she wanted all the rest of them. What we need to do is give her our love and our sympathy and our support.
“Our opinion should be, ‘I’m really sorry for her loss.’ Let it be left at that.”
The blogger who writes "Things People Said After My Miscarriage" echoes that advice. For people who don't know what to say to a friend or relative who's had a miscarriage, she writes: "You might think, ugh, I just don't know what to say. It's so awkward. Man or woman up and say I'm sorry. Express sympathy. It's the right thing to do."
Read other tips about what to say after a miscarriage here.
What do you think is the best -- or worst -- thing to say to someone who's suffered a miscarriage?
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I can sympathize and am all too aware of the unthinking things people say after a miscarriage. a loss is a loss is a loss.
Worst thing to say to a woman who miscarries on her 21st pregancy (19 successful births)?
I'm going to go with "it's a vagina, not a clown car. You're not supposed to see how many people can climb out of it."
Don't blame me if you think that's horrible -- the article asked for the worst possible thing to say and there are plenty of "demotivator" posters of the Duggars on the interwebs saying pretty much the same thing.
So after reading through the comments on this post, as well as some others related to the Duggars, this is what I take away from it:
(1) it is horrible for the government to tell women that they can't have an abortion but is totally fine for Americans to tell a fellow American that she "must" take birth control pills. I mean, let's be clear here ... all she is doing is having sex ... with her husband (ooo, scandalous! Especially in light of all the rampant divorces, couples cheating, couples swinging, sex-less marriages ... what horror that a MARRIED couple is actually having sex, right??) and NOT taking BCP. Which by the way, BCP is not free, and not so easy to take for every women, lots have unpleasant side effects, including deadly ones.
(2) most people reading about the Duggars can't fathom how they can ever, let alone in a recession, pay for 19+ kids without government assistance, even though it is stated in repeated articles that they do. Sure, a huge sum from the reality TV show - ummm, different from other reality stars how? If people didn't watch, then they would make no money. People are obviously interested (for better or worse) so they are entitled to some of the proceeds. What is the problem with that exactly? And sure, portions come from them being a "church" - which isn't my most favourite law, but is obviously a law - and last I checked laws were not created by private citizens - so they are not doing anything that other Americans' couldn't do if they chose to do so. Is not a huge part of being an American the right to freedom, including freedom of religion and freedom of choice??
(3) Lots of comments in previous posts and some in this one about how can they possible love all the kids they have - which is so incredibly egotistical and judgmental to say - likely coming from people who have 500+ facebook friends for crying out loud - then the icing on the cake, in this post turn around and criticize them for being upset about losing a baby! Seriously, how is that NOT hypocritical??? "You can't POSSIBLY love 19 kids! Oh, you are incredibly upset because you just lost a baby? Why would you do that, I just SAID you can't POSSIBLY love all your kids, are you not hearing how I am dictating what you are supposed to feel?"
(4) Lots of comments about how the Duggars are contributing to overpopulation. Really? REALLY?? The Duggars. One family of 21 people in a country of what - 250,000,000? They are the reason for the economic collapse of America? Hmm, maybe I just cracked the case- forget doing screening for terrorists ... clearly the government should be targeting families of more than 2.5 children, as they are the reason for the future demise of the country.
(5) Somewhat related to number 4 - how much government money is spent on welfare? On Child Protective Services (for the parents who physically abuse or sexually abuse or emotionally abuse or severely neglect their kids - and that may be easy to gloss over while reading, but try meeting some of the kids in the system then tell me again how exactly the Duggar children are suffering)? How much money is spent on women who didn't want to conceive so now want an abortion, and women who want so badly to have kids that they now want IVF or domestic adoption or overseas adoption? (because you better believe even if people are paying for some of that one their own, there is also significant government money involved).
And well ... yeah. To conclude my rant - no I do not have nor want to have 19+ children, yes I do want to know that (especially if I were able to independently provide for and support them) I could have as many children as I damn well wanted, and yes I do feel sorry for Michelle that she is having go through such a difficult ordeal in the public eye - even though it is to be expected that reality TV will capture the down times of lives as well as the good times, it is still difficult to deal with the loss of a child when not having it made into a public spectacle let alone when it is turned into one.
well said @ksmom
I can say I agree with most of what you said EXCEPT IVF. I paid completely out of pocket 5 times before I was blessed with my daughter.
The thing I hated to hear was "It was God's plan.....". Screw his "plan", give me back my baby!
What do you mean "screw Gods plan". She already had 19 that were so called Gods Plan? She was having problems with the last one, what are they waiting for? A catastrophy for which we the tax payer can pay for? The Duggars need to get a life (outside the bedroom)
Wow, not real sure about the logic behind thinking the taxpayers are going to pay for that miscarriage or unhealthy baby. But way to work in a Republican plug
I know what you mean BLES. I just wanted to brign my baby home to meet her brother and sisters. She was born just fine but never took a first breath. She went from living inside me for 38 weeks and after a routine C-section (not an emergency at all) she did not breathe. Slowly her heart rate fell and that was it.
My daughter was truly nota miscarriage, she died after being born. Calling her a miscarriage was truly what hurt the most.
Mrs. Duggar suffered a 2nd trimester fetal loss, not a typical miscarriage which occurs in the 1st trimester, usually before 9 weeks of gestation, & mostly due to genetic issues. The causes of a 2nd trimester loss are different. They need to be clarified by the Today Show. Maybe asking the OBG doc or Nancy Snyderman, MD would be helpful. How many weeks pregnant was Mrs. Duggar?
She learned that she lost the baby at her 19 week appointment. Apparently the baby had a strong heartbeat on November 25th, so it was sometime after that.
19 weeks..
Technically, a miscarriage is categorized as a pregnancy loss before 20 weeks gestation. After 20 weeks, it would be called a stillbirth. And, furthermore, it was not a "fetal loss". It was the loss of a baby.
In the case of the Duggers, they have said that this is God's plan. They are right, it is God's plan that they stop.
I have to agree.
You're right, in the case of the Duggars. If it's God will to continue to "give" her babies, then it's God's will to take them away. They can't have it both ways.
I wouldn't wish a miscarriage on them, but I hope they see a second trimester miscarriage as a "sign" that they should stop. God also gave them a thinking brain, they can use it logically and start using birth control.
If it's God's plan that they stop, she wouldn't get pregnant anymore right? That would be logical since He would control His plan. No more pregnancies, no more babies. This is coming from one who has miscarried after having a child.
And, the worst thing I could have heard is, "You can have another child". Well how do you know that? I haven't been pregnant since that miscarriage 15 years ago.
raincheck ~ Wow, do you have a direct line with God? Does He personally tell you of his plans for other peoples lives? Just because you disagree with their choice to have so many children doesn't mean that they are wrong, and it certainly doesn't mean God doesn't approve. Do not put your rude opinions off as Gods intentions.
Yeah I agree with Chrisitine. It wasn't gods intentions for this woman to lose a child. It was her uterus's. Kind of like when you drink too much and you take that last shot and you immediately know your going to ralph.
Thank you, Christine! I feel compassion for all involved with the loss, as I do for everyone else who has to go through this. It is absolutely not my job to judge, and I know that the desire for children, and always one more, does not stem from any intention that I need to analyze and pronounce judgment on.
I haven't personally dealt with the horrible things people say after a miscarriage. I have helped a friend through a situation such as that, but that is not nearly the same as going through it yourself. I think the thing she hated hearing the most was "Maybe this is for the best" and "You are probably better off this way" (because her husband left her right before they found out she was pregnant). I lost my son in an accident at the age of five and I know the thing I hated hearing the most was also "It's Gods plan" and "It will be ok". No matter if it is a miscarriage or a living child that you lose, nothing will every really feel OK again.
Christine, I agree with you. I lost a child at eighteen after going two weeks past my due date from Turners Syndrome (genetic). She was three days old. It's devastating enough but the comments "You are probably better off" and this was "God's will" were the worst. 47 now with two healthy teenagers so I am grateful for them. I just think people hurt for you and feel so awkward trying to ease your pain that sometimes they don't think before they speak.
I like to think that I'd be sensitive enough to just express my sympathy, offer any kind of help I'd be able to give if needed, and leave it at that. I think that someone who has suffered such a loss just needs to know they aren't alone.
To: physician parent, I ABSOLUTELY agree that losing a baby at this stage is VERY different than losing one early on. I lost a son in July of this year @ 15 weeks pregnant. This a child that you have to bury, just like the Duggars will. It is an emotional roller-coaster, one no one can understand unless you have been through it. The thing I kept hearing from people was, "you should have another baby." EXCUSE ME? You can NEVER replace one child with another. I'm 38 and have 4 beautiful, healthy children, that is enough. I would have been due next week, and one person actually said I will always feel a void around this time of year if I don't have another baby. UMMMMM I will always feel a void BCUZ my son is not here, not bcuz I have replaced him or not. Sometimes, people just don't think b4 they speak. God bless you Mrs. Duggar, I know your pain.
Thanks for your reply. Terminating a 2nd trimester pregnancy is quite different than for a 1st trimester one. The physical & emotional issues are far more challenging. She took OCPs years ago & somehow became pregnant. Likely she missed some pills. Contraception is likely her best option now.
Cherie, from experience, I know that you will feel a void or just get emotional every anniversary. For me it's in April and I still have it come out of the blue after 29 years, but it DOES get better over time. My sympathies for you and I wish you well.
A loss is a loss, no matter which trimester you're in. My longest (unsuccessful) pregnancy was 10 weeks. The fetus was completely intact, just tiny. I was encouraged to have a funeral if I wanted to, but opted not. It's not any easier to lose a baby early on, so please don't insist that it is!
I have to disagree JSWAN. I miscarried at 6 weeks and I was ever so grateful that I hadn't carried "her" for longer (if I was going to end up losing the baby). It was devastating for sure but I felt it would have grieved me even more if I had carried longer. That said, those are MY feelings...I am not trying to say that's how everyone feels so please be courteous enough to not blanket statement for everyone.
From the perspective of someone who has had an early miscarriage and neonatal loss (15 minutes after birth), they ARE completely separate monsters in their own way.
Nothing haunts you more than a miscarriage. My first pregnancy ended at 12 weeks. It hits so hard, so fast. You cry at the lost, then the pain when the body expels the tissue. Then to add insult to injury, D&C. I have two gorgeous children now, but every now and again I curl up and cry remembering what happened.
I shook my head when I heard that Mrs. Duggar's I shook my head, but when I heard that she lost the baby my heart sank for her.
If its michelle Duggar you can say, "at least you have other children".
I don't care if it's Michelle Duggar who has 19 or the first-time mother, you say nothing but "I'm so sorry for your loss". If you can't say anything decent, don't say anything at all.
I experienced a loss of a son at the same gestational time as the Duggars. He would have been my second son, and it was devastating to lose him. I had to deliver him as you would a healthy baby, which added to the grief. I mourn his loss while still celebrating the 2 beautiful boys I have now (we had another son after the loss). I had people say some possibly well-intended but horrible things. My true friends just let me cry and cried with me. No words needed to be said. And yes, a miscarriage early in pregnancy is painful, but when you know the sex, have a name picked out, felt him moving within you, and have to deliver and bury him, it is vastly different. My heart breaks for anyone who has to go through this pain.
I miscarried four times before my first child was born. When I was pregnant with my second child I went to the hopital bleeding and in pain.
That night, in the emergeny room, I was told I needed a D & C, as I had been told the first four times I miscarried, and those previous times I just allowed what the medical personel told me I needed.
For some reason that night, I just couldn't do it again and I refused the D & C and went home. Over the next many days I was still morning sick, I still felt pregnant. I went to the doctor for my follow up from the emergency room and told him I thought I was still pregnant. He told me it was just the remnants of the baby that was affecting my hormone levels, etc. He again recomended a D & C. I again refused.
To make a very long story short...I was given blood tests every two days so I could "see" that the hormone levels would go down each day because I was no longer pregnant. The levels kept going up, not down. I was then told it was a "myoptic mole" that I was carrying. Just tissue, a sort of tumor I believe. Then my doctor told me that because I had miscarried so many times before that I was just mentally refusing to believe I had lost another baby. He said that if I couldn't accept it there were places he could send me (commit me to a mental hospital) where they would help me accept the truth.
I went home, opened the yellow pages, and found another doctor. Two ultrasounds showed no baby. The third ultrasound found a baby, and the heartbeat could be heard, finally.
Months later, after my daughter was born, I took her back to the OBGYN that wanted to commit me and showed him my "myoptic mole".
I always wonder..... what would have happened the first four times, if I had not had the D&C's. It breaks my heart. I still cry for my lost babies.
Please don't feel guilty over the first 4, your intuition took over that time and saved your baby. Had that been a possibility before, you would have known in your heart and done the same thing.
Lisa, you are a smart lady. Seeking a 2nd or 3rd opinion is always a patient's right. Diagnosing a spontaneous abortion without seeing cervical dilation with tissue protruding can be problematic & often incorrect, as in your case. Bleeding = threatened abortion. Doing serial HCG titers, then a quality sonogram when the level is high enough to see an intrauterine pregnancy, at least 3-4000, is vital to make the proper diagnosis. Congrats on the good outcome. Your former doc(s) may have provided you with suboptimal care. Gook luck.
I agree with Steph. Something in your heart and body told you that this was different. And your very strong maternal instincts led you to make the decision you did. You are a hero in my eyes.
All these stories of heartbreaking loss on here make me wonder even more how anyone could "CHOOSE" to end the life of their baby. These are precious lives that we as a society are snuffing out all for the sake of convenience...shame on all of us for allowing such an atrocity in our nation and world. These are our babies, what are we thinking?
Of course the most correct and sensitive thing to say is "I am very sorry for your loss". This Duggar woman has been 'pregnant' more than she has not, her whole adult life; and I am sure that she totally feels that being pregnant and having a new baby in the house is the most natural thing in the world. It is the way that she and her husband have chosen to live their lives. Therefore, IF you are going to say anything to her, it should be an expression of loss.
However, once you throw what should be private, your live and your procreative score card, out to the general public, you also have to realize that you get what you get, and you have to live with it.
I have to agree with you, hw. Reality TV opens people up to insensitivity because the whole world (or whoever happens to follow your TV program) knows of intimate details of your life that most people suffer though in private. These reality stars become household names and get paid handsomely for the rights to their story but they must learn to take the bitter with the sweet.
That being said, may God bring them comfort during this time of loss and great sadness.
The very worst thing was said by my husband - that he doesn't want to bother other people by telling them about our miscarriage so he wants me to keep silent about it even though I desperately need the support of our family and friends. It feels so unloving and disrespectful to both me and our baby that he wants to pretend he never existed.
A dear friend of mine lost a child many years ago. He had been excited anticipating this child, and he was devastated when his wife miscarried in her seventh month. His wife had the support and comfort of friends and family. He could barely bring himself to talk about it, and seemed somehow forgotten in all of the outpouring of sympathy and support. It seems that fathers wind up bottling up their grief and pain. I don't find that surprising.
That's very true, Lightsinger. Not to take away from the profound grief women feel when they experience a miscarriage but there are unique difficulties that men experience and they shouldn't be ignored.
When my wife had a miscarriage I was devastated. I cannot find the words to describe how painful it was to go into public after that and see children EVERYWHERE I looked.
Then to top it off, everyone I knew (both men and women) emphasized to me how important it was for me not to show my sadness because I was "supposed to be the strong one." The miscarriage itself was bad enough but when you add to it the idea that I was viewed as somehow "unmanly" if I let it bother me well.... we had lost a BABY. How on earth am I supposed to act like it doesn't bother me?
junicon,
i think you need to feel your pain and express it the way you feel is necessary. it is not an unmanly thing to cry or be sad. you're a human being who has feelings and emotions and to lose a baby and be expected to not be sad or show that you're sad is insane.
i lost my first pregnancy at 10 weeks and 1 day and it was the worst experience of my life. if you could die of a broken heart, i would have certainly died. the only thing that made me feel anything other than like complete garbage was that my husband supported me. 100% supported me. he greived right along with me. we were seriously miserable for months. but we were in it together and that helped us deal with our emotions.
it has been almost 4 years since we lost our baby, now we have two healthy, beautiful boys. i do not feel that the two boys have replaced the baby we lost. you can't replace a human life. we still greive for him (i always felt like my first baby was a boy), i still cry for him. he would have been three this past october. i pray for him every night.
not that there is any right or wrong way to deal with this, but i am certain that just pretending it didn't happen can't be a good thing.
Charlotte, I would like to share something that a dear friend of mine said to me after I miscarried. She said, "of course you are sad because you all ready loved and had made plans in your heart for this baby." I took what she said as a "green light" to grieve even though I had only carried "her" for 6 weeks I had all ready imagined the day she was born and my life with "her".
I am so sorry for your loss.
Charlotte, I am sorry your husband feels like you need to keep quiet. That is very insensitive on his part. Go ahead and tell people. You need support. This is not just about him, it is about you too. You do what ever it is that you need to do to get through this difficult time. Lean on your friends and family. They will be there for you.
Z-2882397, Sounds like you're the only one that needs "needGod.com". You've obviously never experienced this kind of a loss. Go post elsewhere.
Sad to lose any life like this. However, got to admit the Duggars should stop the baby factory production. Love the ones you have and be content.
Her husband has pushed her to the limit. This family needs serious mental help. No family should have this many kids
No one should have so much money, no one should have that big of a house. Who the hell told you, you are the judge of what people have or have not?
It is time to stop, before she kills herself. 19 is plenty.
i really hated when people came up and just asked if we were going to have more children after our last loss, i had 3 people do that my first day back at work after our last loss, the worse part was that these were people who had known about the miscarrage, i think the best way people handled it was just saying simply that they was sorry about the loss, or just not saying anything at all about it. i had a coworker who waited a few weeks and then came up to me and told me that they had been there and knew what i was going through and were able to listen if i wanted to talk about it, my last loss was in july and with time it does get easier.
Strike one!
Let hope this circus is over for good; I’m surprised this womans uterus hasn’t dropped out already.
Enough is enough.
Take it as a sign from God!
These people are freaks!! Who in the hell has 19 kids? Freaks.
Professional basketball players, politicians, and very rich Hollywood actors.
yeah, with 19 different women. That would be fun. Plugging that Dugger hag day in and day out would feel like visiting the Mariana Trench in a deep see diving bell. Helloooo, ello,,ello, elo....
I would much rather see a Loving family raising 19 children than an abusive hateful family raising one...
I've never had this experience myself, but I know what happens sometimes is that people, not knowing what to say, say nothing at all. This was incredibly hurtful to both of my friends, because it was as if people were pretending that the pregnancy, and thus the loss, never happened. The grief and the loss were very real. All you need to say is "I'm so sorry for your loss." But don't isolate someone already in pain with silence.
To be honest I really don't care how many children the Duggar's have. They are all well behaved, well mannered dolls. I have miscarried twice myself, never that far along but none the less it is heartbreaking and yes I do think about them often. I never felt offended by anyone saying it was God's will. I believe that was exactly what it was. God needed my babies for a higher purpose. I believe everyone meant well and perhaps during your grieving you took things a little out of context. You seriously think someone meant you harm with those words? I don't believe they are telling you to have more children because they want you to get over it or forget. They want you love and another child and have that happiness instead of your sorrow. People need to take a step back and breathe. We have all become too serious and harsh. I do hope the Duggar's see this as a sign that God is telling them to embrace the life and children they have. Her poor body just can't take much more, and he is showing her that with every child he takes. Best of luck to the DUggar's Godspeed!
Maybe someone is saying enough already. You trying to break a worlds record for kids?
I'm still troubled by “because the whole world knows she has lost this child." Maybe Today Show should have taken their advice here before making her miscarriage news for millions. It doesn't seem something worthy of a news desk, even if for some reason, she desired that attention. Now you're providing advice after making it news???
People might say, well she's on a reality TV show, so it's justified. If she is on a reality show, then it's only justified as a topic for the viewers paying attention to that reality. This is something she signed on for with the decision to make her life a show. The emotional complication, of a miscarriage while on a show, is due to her choice. But nobody beyond that reality needs to know this. It is not news, and it's not the topic for a news desk. Why is the news reporting a miscarriage of a woman whom the majority of public do not know? It's a topic only for people who know her or think they know her because they watch the show.
Putting it on the news is like yelling it out, in a crowded shopping mall, right in front of her. And the next day you're giving professional advice on the topic?