E-mail updates
Follow on Twitter
Subscribe to RSSMy three-year-old son is a cuddly, snuggly hugger. He’s extra gentle with our aged, arthritic German Shepherd. His preschool teacher raves about how helpful he is, and if there’s a crying child within earshot, my little love bug is first on the scene with consoling concern.
Getty Images stock
Bang, bang, you're dead! Normal play or sign of a budding natural born killer?
So imagine my surprise when my angel took his pizza crust, pointed it at me and said, “It’s a gun, mommy. I’m shooting you.”
Related: School gives boy hard time for pizza "pistol"
I’m not naïve about boys and their firearm fascination: I have two brothers, and I grew up with their plastic green army men and their “Star Wars” weaponry. But my husband and I don’t buy toy guns for our preschooler, nor do we allow him to watch violent TV shows or movies. So when he repeatedly asked for a Nerf gun for Christmas, I wondered, was this abnormal? And should I be worried?
Not at all, said Michael Thompson, psychologist and co-author of the best-selling book “Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys.” It’s normal, he explained, for boys to be interested in what men do, and in whatever it takes to be strong and powerful like their dads and the other heroes in their lives.
Related: Angelina Jolie's son shoots back at paparazzi
“Guns are part of what is ‘boy.’ They see pictures of policeman, detectives, cowboys, hunters … and they are all men,” Thompson wrote in an e-mail.
And it doesn’t much matter that my husband and I restrict toy guns and violent media: Boys are constantly seeing real-life and fictional examples of men, and they’re always watching older boys for cues, too.
Live Poll
Do you let your kids play with toy guns?
“All you have to do is look into the face of a three-year-old when he is watching five and six-year-olds play, and you know he is drinking it all in. ‘This is what it means to be a powerful boy! This is what men do!’ His mother telling him that guns aren’t nice cannot hold a candle to that modeling,” Thompson said.
OK, so it’s normal, this gun stuff. But what if I don’t want to be shot by a pizza crust? “You can say, ‘I don’t like being shot,’ and mean it,” counseled Thompson. But he also warned me not to over-focus on it, or make it more powerful than it is.
When parents should worry, he said, is if their boys lack empathy, seem to really want to hurt others and are not remorseful after accidentally or intentionally hurting another child.
But aggressive play isn’t violence, said Thompson. If two kids are attacking and hurting each other, adults should intervene. But if two kids are running through the house pretending to shoot each other, that’s play. And there is no scientific evidence linking childhood play with adult violence, he said.
“Remember, most boys don’t imagine themselves as criminals. Boys see themselves as potential heroes. When people focus only on the ‘violence’ in boys’ fantasies, they miss the heroic element,” said Thompson.
Do you let your kids -- boys or girls -- play with toy guns?
"Like" TODAY Moms on Facebook, and follow us @TodayMoms
Leave a Comment:
A friend was over at my home. My two sons were playing war with toy guns. She stated we don't let our son pretend with guns and he does not like to do that. i had my boys put the guns away and said go back out and play. Ten minutes later all three came running in to the back yard with sticks "shooting" each other. Boys will be boys which means playing with toy guns. My boys are now 20 and 16. Well mannered, no criminal records, good grades and hunters. Very proud of the young men they are becoming.
I bought guns for both my little girls for christmas at 5 and 6 years old, and that was their favorite toy. Now they both have pink Daisy bb guns and are learning to shoot a year later.
I totally agree! My son is 4 and he will make anything into a gun...or a sword...or nunchucks. He wants to be a Ninja turtle and he only watches his one movie once a month. It is what it is.
I played with guns growing up and I haven't killed anyone yet!
Kristin, you really need to chill.
I'm a 31 year old father of two and I still play with toy guns. Haven't hade the urge to kill someone yet!
My daughter has a Nerf water gun that she squirts people with, but she was taught the importance of asking a grown-up about a gun not provided to her by a trusted adult BEFORE playing with it. There are too many kids finding real guns and thinking they are toys, accidentally shooting each other or an adult when picking up a gun. Her school also had the local police department show up and hold a presentation to emphasize that toy guns are different from real guns and real guns can unintentionally hurt someone, so they should get an adult involved before touching a gun that may not be a toy.
My husband, a veteran of the Marine Corps who fought in their bloodiest battle since Vietnam, will not allow our children to play with guns. As they get older we'll see if his stance on water guns changes, but for now, they are absolutely not allowed. Since he's seen first hand what guns do to people he does not want our children playing with toys guns or pretending to shoot each other. It's not a game and it's not funny. Guns are not something our children will play with or will pretend with.
I acknowledge that every parent has right to band or allow what they dictate for their kids life. However, I think your husband is mixing his feeling for real guns with that of toys. I grew up hiding from parents playing cowboys and indians, cops and robbers, buck rogers, or whatever else. Am much older now and I personally hate guns. Yet, as a kid it was pure excitement going out with the other kids on the block and having mini-block wars. Imagination and real life barely have anything in common. I will bet dollars to donuts that your husband when he was a kid also played with them. I would suggest he think long a hard back on those times and not is time with the Marine Corps. Because they are totally different. In my opinion you are robbing your kids of time to imagine they are the heroes. They can save the day. The good guys always wins. The oh so dramatic death scenes. When I got a little older my father who was also a marine began to explain to me exactly what I gun could really do. How, horrible a real gun was and his tone was dead serious about it I listened very carefully.
Your kids, so I wish you well. But there is in my opinion just something special about play that has nothing to with adult reality.
I think it's more about whether or not you have taught your child gun safty and respect. It's one thing if children are playing a character and pretend to have a gun; but ignoring the talk that guns are real serious weapons should never be dismissed. The issue is when parents allow violent video games, movies, agressive play, and toy guns without taking the time to show respect for one another.
I loved playing cops and robbers with neighborhood kids growing up, but I also didn't grow up with the violence so many children now a days see and aren't monitored at all.
I personally do not allow toy guns in our home. However, I encourage their imagination. I do not think it is appropriate to pretend to kill someone for no reason, meaning if not in a script or role playing game.