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Gael Fashingbauer Cooper
Kelly and Stripey, who lives in her cubby when she's at preschool.
Stripey, my 4-year-old daughter Kelly's blanket, is more like a rag than a blanket these days. The once-bright blue stripes that gave him his name are almost invisible, his hem is dragging, he's pockmarked with holes, and I'm pretty sure that red stain is Easter egg dye.
Yesterday at preschool one of her classmates accidentally sat on Stripey, and when she yanked him away, he tore. Again. I'm starting to wonder how much longer he's going to last without some major cosmetic surgery.
Like Linus in "Peanuts," Kelly latched on to Stripey as her security blanket, or what some call a "lovey." It's her comfort object when we're apart, and it goes to preschool with her every day. Even when she bathes, it has to be in sight, and when she's in pain or scared, she wants Stripey as much as she wants Mama.
Sometimes Stripey can be a hassle to haul around -- and the one time I thought we lost him at the park my heart sank -- but as far as I'm concerned, he can be by Kelly's side as long as she wants him there.
Thankfully, Dr. Simone Taylor, a California clinical psychologist specializing in child development, says "loveys" are a perfectly healthy part of growing up.
"Sometimes toddlers may gravitate to a specific 'lovey' as a way of regulating their internal emotional state -- in other words, to calm themselves," Dr. Taylor says. The attachment is "perfectly natural," and kids may use the item for security when mom and dad can't be with them.
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School and daycare situations can create worries for parents. How will my child deal with a school that perhaps doesn't allow loveys in the classroom? Kelly understands that Stripey stays in the cubby at preschool except during nap time; Dr. Taylor has a suggestion for other parents. "One mother shared with me that she took a picture of her daughter's blanket and her daughter took (the photo) to preschool with her."
Since loveys go with children everywhere, they often get really dirty, and taking the precious item away for a wash can be traumatic. Dr. Taylor suggests having the child help, maybe allowing him or her to put the lovey into the washer and letting them close the door. She also urges parents to be patient with children if they want to sit and wait while the wash is done.
In my house, we schedule Stripey's weekly wash at the same time as one of Kelly's baths. She can't play with him in the tub anyway, and she knows that when her bath is done, he probably will be close to dry.
Not to worry, though, we're unlikely to be touting Stripey around forever. Dr. Taylor says most kids grow out of such attachments well before they become preteens. Some then transfer their attention to a "lucky object," like a keychain or hat, and keep that item with them in scary situations.
I had a blanket of my own in the 1970s, pink satin on one side, blue satin on the other, and still remember how much I loved it. I suspect a shred of it is still somewhere in my parents' Minnesota home.
Dr. Taylor also had her own lovey as a child. "I did have a raggedy doll named Cindy that went with me everywhere," she says. "I remember at one point we thought Cindy was lost and my mother was able to buy another for me. I then found the original and played with them both. One was always at school and the other always at home."
Realizing Stripey's in poor shape, we're encouraging Kelly to shower some love on a second blanket (this one is dubbed "Other Peopley," since he's one of two blankets with stick people on them). He's not anywhere near as beloved as Stripey, but just in case the worst happens, we want to be prepared. Stripey can't be replaced, but perhaps he can be supplemented.
Check out this related story:
Desperately seeking Lovey
Does your child have a security blanket or other "lovey" that goes everywhere with him or her? Have you ever lost it, or do you have a backup in case you do?
In between her busy schedule as a Stripey-minder, Gael Fashingbauer Cooper is the movies editor for TODAY.com and a pop-culture junkie. Her book, "Whatever Happened to Pudding Pops?", looks at the lost toys, tastes and trends of the 1970s and 1980s.
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All three of my boys have a stuffed animal as a lovie. I was very adamant about it, since I still have my bear from when I was child. We decided to buy at least two of the animal we chose for them. That way they could always have one around, even when one was being washed. My oldest son took his to pre-school, with it staying in the backpack. And now he can go to Kindergarten without having to take it with him. We have special stories for the animals as well, like why we chose them as opposed to letting them pick. And each animal was chosen before they were born and were in the room when each child was delivered. Just making that bond even more special.
My nephew could go nowhere or do nothing without Bluebear...well he is 26 now and as far as Bluebear, he stills around....only now it's his little girl, my Great niece that clings onto good old Bluebear.....
My daughter never became 100% attached to a single toy. She likes her monkey one day, her Spock doll another, her Jessie from Toy Story doll on another day...she might ask about them if she doesn't see them, but she won't throw a fit if she can't find them or if they're in a relative's car; she just moves on and finds another toy to play with.
My husband asked me recently, "How old to they have to be before they give up their blankies?" (referring to my 3yo and 5yo daughters). I replied, "I'll let you know when I find out. Mine is in our closet and isn't going anywhere!" Seriously, they'll grow out of it. My oldest rarely takes hers out of the house, unless it is for an overnight trip and my youngest doesn't take it out on shorter trips. I've never pushed for them to give it up - it just seems to be happening naturally.
I get what the author is saying, but like one parent here said, I sometimes feel like parents force their kids into having these. One person above even said they "chose" their kids lovie. I have seen my niece throw an absolute fit when she didn't have her "bee" (one of those glow worms) and some of us have even had to drive long distances to retrieve/drop off these things when they were left behind. My daughter loves her blanket, but she knows she only gets is at bedtime (in her crib) or when we are going on an overnight and she can have it on the car ride since we are packing it anyways. Yes, she throws a tiny fit when we tell her she can't have it after she wakes up but she gets over it. I just dont want to be tied to one of these things, it seems unnecessary.
When our daughter was a baby we gave her a winnie the poo blanket, she is noe 38 years old she still has it and sleeps with it. She often travels for work and brings it with her.
When she got married it went on the Honeymoon to England,France and Italy
My son has a blankie....I have four of them - well we had four until a 'too-gross to clean' barf relegated one to the trash bin. As soon as he latched onto this blankie - I ordered three more. May I suggest this to any of you! One at daycare, one in bed, and always one in the closet that can be pulled out when needed!
My son has a bear that has become so tattered, I have sewed him many times. He also has a blankie he calls his "baby". He has had these since he was almost a year old and he is 4 now. I love how he loves these items, the only thing is, is when he gets bear, he sucks his thumb and smells bear at the same time. It is very cute, but he is getting to the age to where thumb sucking can harm his mouth. Now he only gets bear and baby at bedtime.
We have Tigger! My daughter would fall apart if he were to disappear. She holds his bottom up to her face (used to play with the tag but it's long gone, that was an emotional day when it fell off) and sucks on her fingers to calm herself. He definitely looks well loved.
My 2 1/2 year old daughter has a stuffed monkey. I have repaired him many times, and he often needs a washing because of all the places she takes him. I am completely fine with her having him as long as she wants, but we do have rules- he does not get brought into stores, he does not play outside in the dirt, he gets a regular washing etc. We have long car rides in order to buy groceries and visit family and he provides much needed comfort for her. I think there are many other more important issues to deal with, with our kids, then whether or not they have a comfort blanket or stuffed animal. He is a safe, nice thing that brings her comfort and makes her feel safe and i appreciate that she has him. One day she will leave him behind for good, and the stage will be done, but i will always love remembering her talking and playing with him.
I'm 27 and still have my bear "Nobody"--so named during a 2 year old tantrum. However, it stopped leaving the house with me when I was about 5. If your kids have one great, but keep it at home. My neice has a blanket that is so disgusting-even after daily washing-that it should have been thrown out or put up in the closet years ago. When she sleeps over she cannot bring it to my house. At a certain point, you need to say enough is enough and keep the thing at home!
I dont have any children, but most of the kids ive watched have had one, and im 22 and still have my "boobear".hes pretty much a hangin fabric body with a head, hands , feet and a tail because his fabric is now too thin to hold stuffing. hes been sewn way too many times, and when my sister was mad at me, he constantly had a body part ripped. But even now that Im happily engaged, my fiance knows the drill. we always dig him out from beneath the pillows in order for me to go to sleep. I can travel and sleep without him, but always fall asleep much faster when hes there. I will actively promote for my children to have one (and yes i plan on buying 3 or 4 of him, or her, kinda wish my mother had done the same lol) because i know what emotional security it can bring. and anything that makes my children feel more secure as they figure out the world around thenm is ok by me.
My oldest daughter (now a young mama herself!) STILL has her blankie. When she was born, this blanket was vibrant yellow with a soft silk border that she would rub her fingers on. Now it is a tattered grey piece of fabric, no silk border, barely held together with stitches. Does that diminish her love for it? NOT AT ALL!! she was not able to sleep without it as a little one, and to this day, she has a piece of it in her purse and the rest of it has to be under her pillow for her to sleep.
My sister fell in love with a small stuffed rabbit that my mom made for her when she was a baby. He even went with her to kindergarten a few times, and almost got lost. Although nearly decapitated, he still lives in a box under her bed. Hoppy certainly brought her a lot of comfort. Although I was attached to many stuffed animals, I never chose one specific one. I am 21, and still have a few of them in my room on top of my bookcase-including three made by my mom. On top of my pillow rests the baby afghan that she made for me. It has sat there for more than a year now...since October of 2010, when my mom was given just a few days to live. It's a tangible reminder of how much she loved me, and the difference she made in my life.
I think that if children want to attach to a certain comfort object...even if it's something strange-that it should not be discouraged unless highly inappropriate (ex, I would not have them drag a blanket around a playground). My sister went to a home daycare, so Hoppy was allowed to come along, but at the daycare centre I worked at, children had to leave blankets or stuffed animals in their cubby except at naptime, or occasionally, if they were just sitting on the couch in the library corner. While I agree that they could possibly start problems, I sometimes wondered if denying them that bit of comfort from time to time could be an issue. Perhaps a good compromise would have been to say "So that blankie or teddy stays safe, you need to leave him in your cubby unless you are sitting in this one specific area, or at naptime". Then, if they felt the need for extra comfort, they could sit in that one area and be able to experience it.
And by all means, DO encourage your child to bring their lovie along on trips that are more intimidating, such as visiting a relative they don't know well, going to the doctor or dentist, sleeping over at grandma's house.
I would say that at around 4 or 5, if children are okay with it, they can gradually start seeking less comfort in their blanket/friend. This could even include cutting a small section of the blanket so that they can have just a small part with them in their pocket. The picture idea is pretty clever too.
A child that finds comfort in a blanket or stuffed animal is to be praised, especially when they are tiny! It is a source of independent soothing, and a sign that they are able to handle some things on their own. What parent wouldn't want that?
My sister's 12 and still has her stuffed bunny that she got when she was 3. She doesn't need to have it around at all times,but if something happened to it she'd be devastated. Other "stuffies" as she calls them have come and gone, but that stuffed bunny has remained through it all.
I replaced my youngest child's blankie when she was 7. We had recently moved and made her switch schools, etc. She keeps the scraps of her first blankie in her treasure box. My oldest has a blanket that is basically fleece with satin around the edges -- 11 years later there is not much satin left!!At first, I had tried to make the blankets "bedtime only!" but they loved them so much!! Then we started taking them when we traveled overnight, and then day trips ...... The blankets are a fun connection to when they were "young" and we do talk about when they are ready to give them up .... so much of their life is out of their control. Here is something for them to decide.
I'm 31 years old and still have my blanket from childhood. It's shredded and in two pieces, but I still have it. It's in my pillow case and gets washed once a week when I wash the sheets. I don't see a problem with having a security blanket or stuffed animal or whatever you want to keep as long as it doesn't become obsessive and have to go everywhere. My step-daughter (whose 8), has a stuffed dog she takes everywhere. Trying to break the habit is a work in progress.
35yrs, 17+years with the same man and 3 kids later, I still have and sleep with my blankie! All of my friends and my kids friends know and we chuckle about it, but when my husband has asked when I will give it up I simply respond with "when you give up beer and golf"! I have seen him occasionally sniff it when a skunk has left its lovely aroma outside and the windows are open. When my kids friends come for a sleepover I always ask if they have a favorite "lovie" and then show them mine, it breaks the ice for them as well as my kids who each have a favorite. Be aware for those of you who like your lovie to smell a certain way, wash it before you take it to be repaired or have the satin ribbon sewn back on. The seamstress does not have the same affininty for your stank as you do.... I figure that I live a clean lifestyle so if the worse thing I do is keep a stinky old blankie then live and let live!!! I will be burried with it when I am 108!
My oldest son (he's 18 now), had a yellow blankie. He slept with it til he was 17, and when he was ready to stop, he made sure I put it in his "Keepsake Box" and not in the Giveaway Bag. My youngest son (he's 16) never had one, never wanted one, never got attached to any one thing, even when I offered. My daughter who is now 2, has a very soft blanket that stays in her sight, but she doesn't get too upset if she doesn't have it. We do take it with us if we're gonna be in the car a long time (shopping, trips longer than 30 minutes), and she sleeps with it at nite. I don't see a problem with them at all. :)
My oldest was a pacifier baby, which ended quickly due to dental issues, but my youngest is a lovey boy! We got several of the little square blankets with animal heads at the baby shower, and he eventually found a particular one he adores... a blue elephant one he calls "Lovey". He would not even play with any of the others we got!
He carried it everywhere and we soon bought a second like it for wash times, etc. He eventually found out there were two of them and just had to have them both, so now he carries them both around. They have been repaired numerous times,(several washes and teething on the elephant trunk has taken its toll on them) and now one of them has lost his eyes, but at 4, he still will not go anywhere without them.
I have no problem, with him doing so, but he is at the age it is his responsibility to bring them and remember to take them home. If they are left somewhere, he knows that they stay there until we can get them back (usually the next day- they get left at g'mas house often) and he is okay with that. He can live without them, but is still attached very much.
I honestly don't care if he takes them to school with him, or wherever. I would rather see that than a child struggle with attachment or self relaxation issues without their comfort item.
I think having a lovey is more the child's temperment. I have fraternal twins and one of them got completely attached to one of those bears that vibrates. Luckily I had one for each of them and his twin could have cared less about his, so I always had a spare to be in the wash. He used to suck on the tail, which was made from silky fabric, until it came apart. They are 14 now, and He still has both bears and sleeps with them, takes them on trips. I'm sure they will be going to college! I just think that it shows that this is really a "nature" thing, not a "nurture" thing.