E-mail updates
Follow on Twitter
Subscribe to RSS
Getty Images stock
What do you mean, you're buying a stroller?
I knew it was playdate suicide immediately after offering a cookie to a new friend’s organic-only, no-TV son. I was trying to bribe the boys to clean up, but by the look on her face I felt as though I was pushing drugs.
“You let him eat that?” she asked. When I nodded yes she continued, “We don’t let our children have any sugar.”
It’s not as though I’m a junk-food fanatic, but during the terrible twos, cookies did tend to be my go-to reward.
And while I breastfed both of my children for months, I have to admit, when I later found out she was still nursing her 3-year-old I realized we weren’t destined to become best friends.
Playdates with new mom friends can seem a lot like dating; both the excitement that comes from starting a friendship and the dread from knowing something can go horribly wrong. When parenting styles clash, a cool mom we met at the park can suddenly seem like a mother from another planet.
It’s one thing to hang out with friends who make different choices from our own, but when someone else questions our parenting skills, the mommy-defense mechanism springs into action.
Susan Newman, Ph.D., a social psychologist and author of more than a dozen books about parenting, explains it like this: “There’s a part of us that thinks that maybe our friend is right. It brings up a lot of questions and possibly guilt.”
Live Poll
Do you have friends with completely different parenting styles than yours?
Did I feel guilty about offering cookies as bribes? Perhaps. But while we may bristle when another mom disciplines our child or critiques our parenting, speaking out immediately is definitely not the way to go.
I found that out the hard way when the 3-year-old son of a close friend hit another child with a plastic shovel on the playground. When my friend didn’t intervene, I took the shovel away and reprimanded her child. A heated argument began about whether we should meddle in each other’s affairs.
When someone gives us unsolicited advice, Newman advises saying something like, “I never thought of handling the situation that way” or “I’ll consider that.” After the fact you might say, “If my child is misbehaving, why don’t you let me handle that?” It can go a long way in diffusing the tension, Newman says.
While my friend and I were able to mend the friendship, sometimes it’s easier to spend time with our mom friends alone and leave the children at home.
“Anytime we do anything with our kids it turns into a complete nightmare,” one mom recently told me about a former close friend.
She realized they’d be better off hanging out without the kids when her friend’s daughter used crayons to deface the patio of a restaurant where they were eating. The girl’s mother said, “Well, kids will be kids.”
It nearly ended the friendship, but conflicts don’t need to.
“An overriding rule,” according to Newman, “is to evaluate the friendship and decide how important it is. If it’s very important we should handle the situation very carefully.”
How have you handled parenting-style clashes with your friends?
Kim Brown Reiner is a New York City mom, who tries not to speak to her 5-year-old daughter or 3-year-old son in the morning until she drinks coffee. In addition to freelance writing, she works as an educational consultant.
"Like" TODAY Moms on Facebook, and follow us @TodayMoms
Leave a Comment:
I tend to find that if I don't like their parenting style, I generally don't like them as a person either and wouldn't really like being around them all that much in the first place. I think parenting styles kind of reflect people as a whole. The Mom that said she "didn't let her kids have sugar" sounds like a real a-hole....I don't let my daughter have candy but I would never say that, I would just say nicely that I'd rather she not have candy if she is at your house; that being said I wouldn't freak out if they gave it to her. I can tell I wouldn't be friends with that Mom:)
I fully agree, BeachMama. I find that I tend to gravitate towards women who parent the same way I do - even before I know how they parent.
I just feel like parenting (and frankly, life) is too hard as it is, without adding someone into my life who is so completely opposite that we can't get our children together without conflict, discord and discomfort.
I'm all for being friends with parents with differing styles, as long as they aren't so drastically different that everything becomes an issue. I likely couldn't be friends with the "no sugar" mom. I find that in general, I can't really be friends with anyone who is an extremist in any area of life.
I agree that it easier to be friends with people who parent the same way, but sometimes you have to be flexible. It does get a little complicated when you have different styles with kids. I had a friend who had a completly different style with her kids. We had to agree to disagree for the children's sake. We had to come to an agreement, that when my children are with her that they get treated like her kids, no sugar, no sweets, lots of exercise and only health food. When her children are with me they get treated no different than my children, movies, videos and on the occasion junk food.
I think that as long as you respect their parenting style and they respect yours, it can work. You can give advice and viceversa, but to tell someone they are doing something wrong and wanting to butt in will always rub people off the wrong way, regardless of whether they are friends or relatives.
If a parent is picky about certain things ('my kids will only eat organic, no exceptions"), then let them know they should cater to their kids if that's how they feel. You can't expect a parent to spend an extra $20 on a birthday cake to appease your "organic only" diet. Bring in a dessert for your child or tell him not to eat cake, rather than forcing the hosts to go out of their way in trying to please you. We have a family member that is like this, but instead of making other people buy things to cater to her family, she will quietly bring duplicate items to a potluck, except her items are organic, so if you see 2 batches of chocolate chip cookies, you know one is organic and the other isn't, and she's generous about sharing her organic items and explaining the benefits, without being in-your-face about it.
When people are confrontational about their parenting style, there's no hope of being friends, but when they are respectful, then why not?
I agree with Hot in Miami. Two parents rarely parent the "exact" same way, and some of my very best friends were complete opposite of me in terms of a lot of their parenting choices. But the bottom line is - I know they are good people, I know they think we are good people, they are raising their kids, we are raising our kids, we knew what their choices were and didn't openly diss them, they knew what our choices were and didn't openly diss them. To tell you the truth, we have a lot in common as people besides just being parents. If they did something that went against a core value or belief - like let's say they absolutely nothing if their child hit my child - then no, I would likely not be their friend - or at the very least I would not get together with them "with kids".
You know, I have lots of friends, that make lots of different choices with their lives than what I make in my own. I am very confident in my choices and how I am raising my kids, but I also enjoy hearing what other people's choices are and not just having "cookie cutter" friends that will exactly mimic what I do and only condone what I do. I want people to question my choices - well, not directly and rudely, but what I mean is, when I see someone making a choice different from my own it can allow for some introspection. Usually I stick to what I am doing as made my choice for a reason, but other times I do modify my behaviour as guess what? No parent is perfect - including me. However - and I think this is key - I absolutely do NOT feel any guilt whatsoever for my choices, nor do I make my friends feel any guilt for their choices, as I am confident enough in my own mothering skills to realize that different means DIFFERENT - not RIGHT, not WRONG, just DIFFERENT.
Leave the judgement at the door - and yes, mothers from all walks of life can be friends. You know, kind of like practicing what I preach as I certainly am teaching and encouraging my kids to be friends with kids who come from all walks of life - different cultures, different households, different religions, different family rules - different is DIFFERENT. Not bad and not good. Not right and not wrong. For them to choose to emulate or to not, but not for them to judge.
I think the idea is that we are all moms and we do the best we can for the benefit of our child. I personally am not that "my kid has to eat everything organic" type of a mother but I do have friends who are like that and it's okay. No one is the same and parenting styles aren't the same. I think as long as someone is a good parent doing the best they can for their child, there is no reason I can't be friends with them. And moms have tried to guilt-trip me in the past, but it just doesn't work. They're the ones in the end who end up friend-less, boring with uncontrollable kids. It makes me a better mother as well to allow my child to hang out with a diverse group of kids...not just ones who are exactly like her.
None of my friends parent as I do, this would be the basis of "it takes a village." We all help each other, respect each other and our individuality and do our things.
its ok not to parent the same way, as long as both ways are respected by all parties involved. I personally tend to be more strick on the older kids than I do on the little ones. Most of my friends think I am too strick on the teenager. As the girls get older the disapline will increase as well. But I have Firm rules, If you catch my kids doing something wrong corner them on it. I do the same to their kids. I give my kids junk food, but if the kids that are visiting arent allowed then niether are mine. I try to treat the kids fairly in any case.
The author raises some good questions, though I am a bit put off by the comment that when she "found out" the other mother was nursing her toddler, she knew they weren't going to be friends. Seems like there is a lot of judgment there.
I believe most important is to support each other as mothers (and fathers), despite our wildly divergent parenting methods. No one is going to parent the same way. Perhaps you can learn something by befriending someone who is still nursing a toddler, or limiting sugar, or giving sugar, or try letting kids who are in disagreement figure it out as long as no one is getting hurt.
My biggest obligation is to my kids and myself. So if people have a problem with the way I parent, that is their issue. I am trying to do what is right for me and my family.
And when I am confronted by other mothers and fathers that are too permissive or dismissive or on the other side, controlling and punative, I try to keep my opinions to myself--or share them with my partner while we laugh about it late nights.
In general, I follow the kid's lead. If they want to play with some kids, I try to make that happen, even if the parents are not people I would choose as best friends in another world, even if their choices are different. It's great to discover that there are a million different ways to choose to live. And that helps you figure out which way is best. For you.