Research shows that 70 percent of children throw temper tantrums, according to parenting expert Michele Borba.

Wait, what? Who are these 30 percent of calm children, and where can I get one?

Just kidding – like most parents, I’ve accepted that the occasional tantrum is going to be a kicking, screaming, brain-jarring pothole on the road to maturity.

But researchers from Yale University and Kings College in the U.K. have been hard at work studying tantrums, and they say taming them is possible. It's all about proper training – for the parents, not the children.

"Hold those sticker charts, fancy point systems and our pleads and threats. Those techniques are largely ineffective in changing kid behavior for the long haul," Borba says. In fact, experts say, most of the tried-and-true techniques taught by books are totally wrong.

How parents react, before, during and after a tantrum, makes all the difference. Borba has lots of good, research-based advice for how to prevent tantrums. In the middle of one, though, it’s all about NOT reacting. Make sure your child is safe – that he is not going to flail himself into any sharp edges, for instance – and then ignore, ignore, ignore. Any attention you give a tantrum (even if it’s negative, like yelling), just reinforces children’s belief that the behavior is working because they’re getting attention for it. And trying to reason with a tantruming child mid-freakout “is like trying to reason with a goldfish,” Borba says. The real key to killing off tantrums? Praising the behavior you want to see, coupled with an encouraging touch like a hug or high-five.

When are tantrums not normal? If your child is in danger or hurting herself or others, or if he’s having intense tantrums daily, seek some outside help. A larger behavioral or emotional issue could be the cause.

What’s your best tantrum-taming tactic?

Follow Michele Borba on Twitter @micheleborba.

Rebecca Dube is TODAY Moms editor and mom of a feisty 2-year-old who was recently outraged to learn that cookies are not for breakfast.

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It’s not so bad when babies cry. We know they’re just doing it to get basic needs met.  We realize we committed to 3 a.m. lullabies and perpetual feeding, and years of diaper duty. We don’t mind, much, but once they can talk, shouldn’t our children express their needs in rational tones? Are complete sentences too much to ask?

The science of meltdowns
Fully functional toddlers continue to cry, and add whining, screaming, and destruction to their catalog of exasperating behaviors. On the bright side, these tantrums give us scientific insight into the human condition. 

In a recent study, researchers at the University of Connecticut—who presumably did not have a raging child nearby—analyzed the acoustic features of temper tantrums. Yes, they listened. Findings included:

• Distinct characteristics of tantrum sounds can be categorized into the following: screaming, yelling, crying, whining, and fussing.
• The above correlated to two basic emotions: mad and sad.
• Intensity levels of the typical toddler meltdown varied over the duration of the tantrum, and with the intensity of emotion.

(I could have told them that.)

Related link: Get your toddler's meltdowns under control

Parents, where's our study?
Scientists believe this research provides valuable information about how we express and regulate strong emotions. Maybe, but I think they studied the wrong subjects. We may learn more about emotional responses by studying the parents’ emotional state, which includes more complex feelings and also escalates over the course of an “attack.” For example:

• Parents who respond calmly and immediately to a toddler’s demands are often CONCERNED, whereas those observed picking up pretzels from the kitchen floor for the fourth time today show signs of IRRITATION.
• Dissolving into a puddle of tears on the kitchen floor because a 2-year-old—in a fit of super-human proportions—has hurled creamed spinach onto the white carpet two rooms away, may indicate that the subject is SAD.
• Rolling of the eyes is often associated with SUSPICION that child in question is not actually “thirsty” but simply practicing manipulation techniques crucial for later years when he “needs” an iTouch.
• During a tantrum, a rise in blood pressure, heartbeat, and mild sweating can be outward signs of FEAR, perhaps that you will succumb to the urge to trade your screaming child to nearest traveling carnival for two packs of smokes and an oversized plush toy.
• Dropping an F-Bomb almost always signals that a parent is ANGRY. While this particular manifestation is usually followed by expressions of REMORSE, parents can only take so much. Seriously—what part of “yogurt all gone” do they not understand?

Fortunately, every tantrum sooner (God willing) or later comes to an end. At this time certain facial expressions observed after the second glass of wine are associated with ECSTACY. Trust me on this. I got my PhD in the Pediatric Academy of Two-Under-Two.

What are your emotional responses to the temper of your toddler, and how do you regulate them?

For more from TODAY Moms on the crazy world of parenting, check out these links:
How to tell if your baby is a super-genius
Stop the royal womb-watching madness!
Cherish every moment? Yeah sure, whatever

Lela Davidson is the author of Blacklisted from the PTA (Jupiter Press, imprint of Wyatt-MacKenzie, July 2011). Her writing is featured regularly in family and parenting magazines throughout the United States and Canada. She blogs about marriage, motherhood, and life-after-40 at After the Bubbly.

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From Positive Parenting Solutions founder and TODAY Moms contributor, Amy McCready

Let’s admit it: some days it seems like our greatest challenges as parents aren’t the sleepless nights or busy carpool schedules—it’s getting our kids to do what we want them to do. Understandably, many of us resort to using rewards, whether we’re offering a cookie to any child who cleans her plate or promising concert tickets for good grades.

But it’s not just parents who use rewards to motivate good behavior or minimize negative behavior—we also see stickers in the doctor’s office, lollipops at the bank, and for grown-ups, punch cards at our local coffee shop.

“We dangle goodies (from candy bars to sales commissions) in front of people in the same way that we train the family pet,” aptly comments Alfie Kohn in his book, "Punished by Rewards."

Unfortunately, what would seem like a great strategy for coaxing little ones to behave actually falls flat.

In the New York Times Best Selling book "DRIVE – The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us," author Daniel Pink shares The Seven Deadly Flaws of Carrots (Rewards) and Sticks (Punishment).  According to Daniel Pink, 50 years of behavioral research proves that “carrots and sticks” can extinguish intrinsic motivation; diminish performance; crush creativity; crowd out good behavior; encourage cheating, shortcuts, and unethical behavior; become addictive and foster short-term thinking.

Ouch! Why is this? For one, by offering rewards we let our kids know that we lack confidence in their willingness or ability to behave or perform a task without a reward. And when used consistently, rewards become a means to an end so that children will never tinkle in the potty or empty the dishwasher without the promise of a treat.

What’s more, rewards offer external motivation rather than internal motivation. They may seem like an easy “fix” in the short-term, but over time they lose their luster and also erode a child’s sense of personal satisfaction in such things as reading a book, learning to play piano or being kind to a little sibling.

In fact, a growing body of research shows that rewards actually diminish a child’s interest in the desired behavior: the more that “desirable” behaviors are rewarded, the less interest children show in whatever they are being bribed to do.  Children who were once intrinsically motivated to do something eventually lost interest in those tasks in which an external reward was offered. Instead of intrinsic satisfaction that comes from accomplishing something new or seeing the smile on a sibling’s face, the behavior is associated with the external reward, or the “goodie.”

Why is this important? While external motivation would leave our kids relying on rewards for good deeds or constant praise, internal motivation will successfully guide them through the years to come—with school, careers and relationships.

So, how do you get your kids to do what you want them to, without using rewards?

For starters, you develop their sense of internal motivation by using training, encouragement and consequences.

1. Take time For training. Make it a priority to fully teach your kids the appropriate behavior, or the right way to complete a task. Not only will they get a huge boost of pride in their new accomplishment, they’ll also be more likely to do the right thing in the future. 
2. Use encouragement. Encourage your kids by letting them know that their contributions make a difference, or that you notice their growing independence. For instance, you can say “Wow, I used to have to help you on the potty and now you’re doing it all by yourself!” or “Thanks for emptying the dishwasher—now all the dishes are ready for supper!” or “Your hard work has really improved your math skills this semester!”
3. Employ consequences when necessary. Of course, kids will still misbehave from time to time, and if they do you can implement fair and effective consequences to help them understand the real effects of negative behavior.

By focusing on training and encouragement and using consequences for poor choices, you can avoid relying on rewards when addressing your kids’ behavior. In doing so, you’ll develop the internal motivation that will lead to success throughout their lives.

Amy McCready is the founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and mom to two boys, ages 12 and 15. Positive Parenting Solutions teaches parents of toddlers to teens how to correct misbehaviors without nagging, reminding or yelling. For free discipline training resources, visit: www.PositiveParentingSolutions.com

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AP

Somewhere, Sid Vicious is snickering. Who'd have thought that almost three and a half decades since Britain's preeminent punk rock band, The Sex Pistols, first reared their spiky scalps and coughed up a viscous gob of phlegm at the world, they could still spark any semblance of controversy? Well, for a group of students in the small town of Forks, Wash. (an infamous burg already beset by hordes of obsessed teen vampire devotees for being the epicenter of all things “Twilight”), the very name “Sex Pistols” has proved to still pack the power to offend.

After a student was instructed to remove a Sex Pistols T-shirt by a Forks High School official, former student body president Devon Chastain donned the offending garment herself and refused to take it off. As a result, she was sent home. The incident sparked a punky domino effect of sorts, as nine other students then staged a protest in front of the school in support of their suspended classmate, distributing more T-shirts bearing the Sex Pistols’ fabled ransom-note logo. In turn, these students were also suspended.

In their defense, Forks High School officials cite that the student handbook expressly prohibits wearing clothing bearing sexual connotations. One might have imagined that the prurient interpretation of the band’s moniker would have been somewhat defanged in the past three decades of being emblazoned on T-shirts available at shopping malls around the world (also available in toddler sizes). Trainspotting apologists could also point out that late Sex Pistols’ manager Malcolm McLaren coined the band’s name to make them sound like “sexy young assassins,” and not necessarily as a lascivious innuendo, but that’s all rather academic.

Parents, how would you feel if your child was sent home from school for wearing a Sex Pistols T-shirt? Are the folks in Forks maybe just a bit too sensitive in the wake of “Twilight” hysteria? Are these suspensions justifiable discipline or much ado about nothing? Share your thoughts in the comments section.

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Pasco County School District

UPDATE: The backpack brouhaha is over. Nine-year-old Quentin Ferrer decided to bring a different backpack to school on Thursday, after the racy illustration on his old backpack stirred up controversy. "He said, 'I felt uncomfortable at school,' " Fred Ferrer, Quentin's dad, told The St. Petersburg Times. "He said, 'I don't want you to get in trouble.' So we went out and bought two new backpacks."

Quentin Ferrer’s backpack isn’t your standard L.L. Bean model: The 9-year-old’s bag sports an illustration of a buxom, bikini-clad woman drawn in the style of a classic tattoo. The fourth-grader has been carrying it to school for two years, but another parent recently noticed the racy illustration and complained. The principal of Richey Elementary, north of Tampa, Fla., told Quentin to leave the backpack at home. But the boy’s father, Fred Ferrer, refused, saying the picture isn’t pornographic and doesn’t show drugs, weapons or violence. The principal compromised by allowing the boy to bring the backpack to school, but leave it in his office during the day. Fred Ferrer tells Tampa Bay Online he thinks that’s unacceptable, and threatened to dress his son in similarly styled shirts to make his point.

What do you think? Was the principal right? Is this backpack too racy for elementary school?

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How young is too young to be sued? How about 4 years old?

A judge in New York recently ruled that a young girl can be sued for negligence after a 2009 accident: According to the lawsuit, two four-year-olds were racing their bicycles on a busy New York City street, while their mothers supervised, when they hit an 87-year-old woman named Claire Menaugh. She broke her hip and required surgery, and died three months later of unrelated causes.

Menaugh’s estate sued both the mothers and their children for negligence. One of the families tried to have their child dismissed from the litigation, claiming she was too young to be sued – noting that her bike still had training wheels. But Justice Paul Wooten of the State Supreme Court in Manhattan ruled otherwise, writing that anyone older than 4 is legal fair game.

According to The New York Times, the judge wrote there was no evidence that the 4-year-old defendant lacked “intelligence of maturity” and said that any “reasonably prudent child” would know not to engage in risky behavior with or without a parent present.

Do you have a “reasonably prudent” 4-year-old? Do you think children should be held liable for bike-riding accidents, or their parents --  or no one at all? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

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Let’s face it, everyone does it. While deemed inappropriate, inconsiderate and frankly disgusting in many circles of society, sooner or later, everyone passes gas. It’s simply an avoidable fact of life.  

But for a one sixth grader in Parma, Ohio, it’s a fact of life that landed him in trouble.  Last week, Christian Summers, 11, was punished with serving an hour of detention at Thoreau Park Elementary School after he repeatedly farted on the school bus. Some might have found it amusing (arguably Summers himself), but the bus driver didn’t.

According to school officials, Summers is a repeat offender, but is the act of breaking wind really a crime worthy of this brand of discipline? Parents, do you think this boy was punished unfairly, or was the school justified in its action? Are the boy's actions symptomatic of a larger cultural problem? Share your thoughts in the comment section.

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