• Mom secrets: Working moms get real about the guilt and the glory

    By Rebecca Dube

    Working moms have a love-hate relationship with their jobs.

    On one hand, they told us in our Mom Secrets survey, they hate spending time away from their kids, and miss them like crazy when they’re stuck at work. Walking away from a child crying "Mommy!" at day care is its own special brand of torture. On the other hand, sometimes moms secretly love the escape. After a weekend of breaking up sibling fights, changing dirty diapers and weathering toddler tantrums, even the most hectic workplace can feel like a tranquil oasis.

    Let's see... whole wheat, iron-enriched, extra serving of guilt... sounds perfect for Working Mom stew!

    Whether they work out of financial necessity, career ambition, the need to get out of the house or some combination of those factors, moms reported a complicated mix of emotions about their jobs. More than 26,000 moms responded to the TODAY Moms and Parenting.com survey; 74 percent said they work outside the home. Among our findings:

    • 42 percent of moms said they’d rather get a 50 percent raise at work than spend 50 percent more time with their kids.
    • 20 percent say they judge other moms who work too much
    • 1 in 5 moms says she’d choose a more flexible career if she could have a “do-over,” while 1 in 10 says she would concentrate more on her career.
    • Nearly one-third of moms admit to using work as an excuse to get out of child care.

    Read more: What's your biggest mom secret? 26,000 moms confess in our survey

    One mom wrote anonymously: “I cry at work when I'm not around my 3 year old son. But, when I get home and have time to spend with him, I get stressed out, exhausted and overwhelmed.”

     Another confessed: “I am a working mom, I want to provide the best I can for my kids.  I chose the very best day care I could find. I have a great career and am highly educated.  But, I secretly wish I would get fired so I could stay home with them.”

    And one wrote, simply: “I feel guilty every single day for going to work.”

    Read more: The TODAY Moms editor spills her secrets

    A lot of the angst women have about working seems to stem from the notion that society EXPECTS them to feel conflicted. Plenty of women are happy at work and happy with their child care arrangements, but feel as if they have to put on a “sad face” to the world so they won’t be judged too harshly.

    As one mom told us, “I pretended to be heartbroken about going back to work after my six months of maternity leave.  Really, I was ready for the break from non-stop baby duty.”

    Why do working women feel judged? Because they are. Some moms confessed anonymously that they do, indeed, judge working mothers.

    “I secretly cannot stand other selfish moms!! I loathe them,” one Judgy McJudgerson wrote anonymously. “Moms who would rather use formula because it's easier...moms who would work outside the home...moms who use excuses to fuel their selfishness. A mom is who you are.... you accept it wholeheartedly or don't bother!”

    Read more: The mom-judging Olympics: A competition nobody meant to enter

    Still, despite the judging, many moms say they refuse to feel guilty about working to provide for their families.

    “I do not feel guilty that I work outside the home,” one mom wrote. “My kids are in a great day care and I love that there is an entire day planned around them and their needs. I couldn't do that if I stayed home. I love that they have their own lives and friends and stories to share at the end of the day.”

    Much is made of the divide between stay-at-home and work-outside-the-home moms. But in our survey, we found that moms have a lot more in common than they have separating them, no matter what their work situation. Unfortunately, one thing they have in common is a tendency to wonder if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. While some moms are perfectly content, some SAHMs secretly long for a job while some WOHMs wish they could stay home with the kids.

    Read more: ‘The bees are coming!’ Moms confess their funniest fibs

    One thing that’s clear: Moms who work outside the home appreciate how hard it is to stay at home. Instead of sniping at one another, some moms in our survey offered up words of respect. One mom said:

    “I love my 1-year-old twins, but I am glad I am not a stay at home mom.  When Monday comes around I look forward to going to work just to get a break, relax and focus on something other than feeding/napping schedule and keeping them entertained and happy.  Stay at home moms work HARD and deserve more credit than they get.”

    So true – and couldn’t that be said of every mom?

    Sharing time: Moms who've both worked and stayed home -- please share with us the happiest and hardest parts of each. 

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  • Do moms who stay home have smarter kids?

    Moms who stay home for the first year of their children’s lives might be giving their kids an academic edge, according to a new study reported in the Daily Mail.

    But it depends on how much they need the money. Researchers found that for poor families, the additional financial security ends up benefitting children; but for middle- and upper-class families, “early maternal employment was significantly associated with decreases in formal measures of achievement.” In other words, for wealthier families the added financial stability wasn't enough to offset the disadvantages of mom working outside the home.

    Despite the negative news about working during the first year of life, researchers from Macalester College in Minnesota and the University of California said that 50 years of research shows that kids of moms who work during the first three years of their lives basically turn out fine.

    "Overall, I think this shows women who go back to work soon after they have their children should not be too concerned," said psychologist Rachel Lucas-Thompson, PhD, who analyzed the results of 69 previous studies on working moms. But timing apparently matters – and later is better (if you can afford it). “Children may benefit if mothers are allowed to postpone a return to work until after the first year after birth,” the study says.

    The study doesn’t address how fathers’ work affects children.

    Moms, what do you think? How has your work affected your kids – for good or bad? Have your say in the comments below.

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  • Do women do as well as men… as long as they don't have kids?

    Alex Wong / Getty Images file

    Elena Kagan, pictured here, Sonia Sotomayor and Harriet Miers were all single and without children when they were nominated to the Supreme Court

    Despite great strides in equality among the sexes, are women still held back professionally by having children? In a New York Times article titled “Economic odds stacked against mothers,” a case is made that there are indeed many successful women today, but that mothers often suffer career damage. Studies suggest that motherhood is a main factor hurting women in the workplace:

    Most parents are simply not able to have it all, regardless of where they are on the income spectrum.

    A recent study of business school graduates from the University of Chicago found that in the early years after graduating, men and women had “nearly identical labor incomes and weekly hours worked.” Men and women also paid a similar career price for taking off or working part time. Women, however, were vastly more likely to do so.

    As a result, 15 years after graduation, the men were making about 75 percent more than the women. The study — done by Marianne Bertrand, Claudia Goldin and Lawrence Katz — did find one subgroup of women whose careers resembled those of men: women who had no children and never took time off.

    What do you think? Are women without children more likely to succeed in the workplace? Do we need cultural and legal changes to ensure equality?

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  • 10 things your teen should do this summer instead of work on a tan

    By Katherine Cohen, Ph.D. -- Parents, if you have a teenager who is college-bound, you should know that working on a tan, playing video games or catching up on favorite reality TV shows all summer will not impress an admissions committee!

    Admission to top colleges is becoming more and more competitive, so it’s important for students to make the most of their time both inside and outside of the classroom. Summers should be looked at as a great opportunity for students to gain new experiences and learn more about themselves. This summer, encourage your college-bound student to pursue a talent or interest.

    Before you sit down with your teen to discuss how to spend the next few months of summer vacation, consider these 10 great ways college-bound students can prepare for college and spend summer time wisely:

    1. Take college-level classes.
    Enroll your teen at a local college. Often, this allows for deeper exploration of an area of study or provides educational opportunities that are not available at the high school during the academic year — for example, studying marketing, a subject that is not generally covered during high school. Taking a college-level class in a field of interest could help determine what major to pursue in college. In some cases, your teen can even earn credits toward college.

    2. Participate in academic or extracurricular programs that span a month or longer.
    With a little bit of research, you will find there is a summer program for nearly any interest, and several offer scholarships and financial aid. For example, a student interested in music may want to attend the Interlochen High School Singer Songwriter seminar in Michigan. A science-minded student may enjoy University of Pennsylvania’s summer science academy or Sea Semester’s marine studies programs.

    3. Travel abroad.
    If you can afford to send your teen abroad this summer, look into immersive programs that are at least six to eight weeks long. There are opportunities to study at foreign universities that specialize in certain subjects (like studying economics in London or art history in Provence) or volunteer with programs that focus on an area of interest (like doing archaeology in Peru). Your student doesn’t need to study a language, although perfecting a second or third language is indeed a worthwhile pursuit.

    4. Get a summer job or internship.
    A summer job or internship can help your teen confirm career aspirations, discover new interests and gain first-hand experience. For example, a student interested in journalism may want to spend the summer at a local newspaper or TV station. Committing at least 20 hours a week to a job or volunteer position will allow your teen to make an impact and take more away from the experience. Ask the high school guidance counselor if the school has any partnerships or recommendations for summer opportunities.

    A paid summer job allows students to earn money that can be put toward college expenses. Your teen will need spending money to take advantage of certain social activities on and off campus, including eating at a local restaurant, visiting a museum or going to a movie or concert.

    5. Join a community service organization.
    Colleges want to see that students are making an impact in the classroom and also in their local communities. Your teen can volunteer with a community organization that provides an opportunity to make a difference or further an area of interest. For example, a student interested in being a doctor or nurse, may volunteer at a local hospital or nursing home.

    6. Continue training in a favorite sport.
    Get your teen up and active this summer! There’s plenty of time to be spent at the gym, on the track or in the pool. For students who want to play college sports, this is a great way to stay in shape and at the top of their game.

    7. Prepare for the next school year.
    Your teen can make the transition into the next school year easier by doing some of the reading in advance. Obtain a reading list from the high school guidance counselor, or for a list of summer reading recommendations, visit this IvyWise Book Club website.

    8. Research colleges.
    Get online with your teen! Visit college websites, take virtual tours and read articles from school newspapers.

    9. Visit college campuses.
    If your family will be vacationing near college towns this summer, you can easily add a college visit to the itinerary.

    10. Prepare for standardized tests.
    Your teen can maximize down time this summer by reviewing new vocabulary words, common math equations and basic literary themes to get ready for standardized tests.

    Parents, remember that while it’s important for your teen to have a deep and meaningful summer experience, he or she also should make time to relax and have some fun with friends and family!

    Katherine Cohen is chief executive officer and founder of IvyWise and ApplyWise.com.

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  • Are working moms shooting themselves in the foot?

    Live Poll

    Would working mom-friendly legislation help or hurt women in the long run?

    View Results
    • 68885
      Help.
      49%
    • 68886
      Hurt.
      33%
    • 68887
      Not sure.
      19%

    VoteTotal Votes: 70

    From Katrin Schumann, mom and co-author of “Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too,” for which she interviewed over 500 women to share tips about modern parenting.

    Do working moms whine too much about their responsibilities, expecting co-workers to pick up the slack when family duties call — or do they suffer from inflexible workplace regulations? Should we buck up and be uncomplaining “professionals,” or fight for legislation that will lighten our load?

    A recent article by British Vogue editor Alexandra Shulman has mothers on both sides of the Atlantic crying foul. Shulman argues that legislation protecting working mothers risks sending the glass ceiling we’ve all worked so hard to breach crashing down on our heads. “Let’s not put that progress back,” the working mother-of-one says, “by creating a world where the next generation of women workers becomes too inconvenient and awkward to employ.”

    Though I work 30–40 hours a week, I am my own boss and make my own hours. If one of my three children calls, I can drop everything. Not so for most working moms. One woman we interviewed — a Hollywood player, no less — said she can’t even put up a picture of her kids in the office. Another mom negotiated a three-day work week, only to find herself working full-time hours at three-fifths of her salary.

    Quite rightly, many working mothers are fed up. We’re supposed to be everything to everyone. Surely decent maternity leave wouldn’t be too much to ask — like the Germans, who get 14 weeks paid leave and can take three years off and still get their old jobs back. I grew up in London, but had my kids in the U.S. There’s no doubt that Europe offers more family-friendly options where work is concerned.

    But, ask yourself this: How would smaller businesses manage if new mothers were to take years off at a time? Would such mom-friendly legislation help us, or hurt us in the long run? Shulman writes, “It’s a situation that is increasingly encouraging small businesses, individuals and employers in small rural communities who simply can’t work around an employee’s year off ... to look instead for women who won’t have more children — or indeed men.” Well, that certainly makes me think twice.

    So, what's the solution? The solution lies in the changes that will take place in the workplace of the future. They’re inevitable, and they’ll be radical. Remember back when telecommuting seemed too good to be true? Twenty years ago, IBM allowed workers a half hour of flexibility each workday; today nearly 50 percent of its employees work outside a traditional office — and that number’s up by 50 percent since 2004. That trend will continue to grow, to the great benefit of mothers.

    And the future looks different for fathers, too. One day, it’ll be just as normal for a dad to take his kid to the dentist, or to meet with teachers, as it is for a mom today. Let’s be careful not to demand so much special treatment that we end up shooting ourselves in the foot.

    What's your take?

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